OK thought I was finally over everything, and my cold comes back. So annoying. I've basically slept most of the day away and got almost nothing done which annoys me. Swept a bit, and finished the laundry was about all I've done. Days when I don't do what I feel I should get done in my head, I get upset at myself. I want to go job hunting and find something, but kinda hard when can't even talk. I'm getting a bit melancholy about Christmas coming up and having no money to buy presents. Ed did send me thirty dollars, but only have about eleven left after going to dollar store and getting a few items I needed, and taking Krys to lunch at Wendy's to pay him back for all the times he's taking me. Hopefully get a wireless connection and get my computer hooked up soon. I do get a bit bored at times, and all my games and paint stuff is on my computer. Be well all...
Monday, December 3, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Life is sweet and I just wanted to share that....
to tired to write much more..didn't get home from Little Wings till about three am last night, and of course I had trouble getting to sleep, and was up by eight. Don't know what I have to do today, and don't really care. I'm in good mood and ready to tackle anything. I do need to do the sheets on the bed, and wash the towels. I lost my voice pretty much, but was my own fault. I had too much caffaine and ran my mouth too much believe it or not..lol.
Friday, November 30, 2007
I realize I've pretty much stopped posting here and my apologies for that. Serving 24/7 and sharing the computer between quiet a few people I do not have the time online that I used too. Plus I've actually started a note book journal. Things are actually going great and I'm pretty happy. Was very sick for the first few weeks here which sucked. First when I came I had a horrible cold, then I got thrush in the mouth. Guess all the stress and stuff just really got to me. Now I'm finally starting to feel better, and of course I start my monthly. Things are just conspiring against me lately. Plus the mouth infection caused the inside of my lips to chap and peel horribly so have been in pain for two days from that. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ignoring signs I shouldn't be, but I love it here. I shouldn't even be on my monthly yet since I just got over it a few weeks ago right before coming. I figure the infection just wrecked havoc on my whole system. Only one thing has really bothered me, and that mainly stems from my own lack of self confidence I believe. I can't share that though because we have a rule that family stuff stays inside the family only. It is a good policy I'm just not used to opening up and sharing when something bothers me yet. Hopefully my outlook will improve when I get a job and start contributing a bit more. Ed seems to be doing well though I know he'd really like me to come home. Katie is doing great in school, but I do miss her horribly. I haven't been able to call and talk to her since the house where she is at doesn't allow long distance calls through for some reason. Keeps saying this number isn't available even when I know it is. Huggssssssss to all....
Monday, November 19, 2007
OK Ed wrote me a letter here and I wish to share it.
What do I say to you that I haven’t said before and it seem the truth. I can say this. I can say that. I have said lots and lots and lots and meant it at that point but to fall back into the same rut over and over again. I am not going to say I cant live without you. I am not going to try a guilt trip. I am not going to try to use Katie as an excuse to get you to come back. I am going to stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for what I did and made you do. Thank you for the kick in the ass. I needed it.
I read this on the internet and it talked to me. Life itself is a misery and nobody can tell what can be of it. Those that can tell what can be of it are those who cannot tell us because they are far from us (dead). Over the last week or so I have had a lot of time to think. I know now what I did and am going to correct it. I took advantage of you daily. I expected you to get Katie up, take her and pick her up from school, cook dinner, laundry, clean and keep up with Katie. A marriage was well as a D/S is a give and take. And all I did was take and take. I took months and in some cases years to take care of issues that should have never become an issue. I was more worried about pleasing with gifts and other things than bills and a place to live. I listened to you but didn’t listen. I went into this lifestyle only 50% percent. I took the good but didn’t want to do the leg work when things were bad. I stated things and then let them go. I set down rules and I didn’t follow the rules. I sit up punishments and didn’t do the punishing. We went to parties and just sat and watched. The excitement in your eyes when watching was like a 6 year old at Christmas and I just sit there and didn’t do anything about it.
Well things have changed and are changing. I am learning and going to learn the rest of my life. I know understand there is issues with me that I cannot control and have to ask others for help. I want to learn. I want to experience. But I want to do these things with you. It took you leaving a SECOND time. You were willing to give up your life and your child to better yourself when I should have been bettering both of us. And that will not happen again. It shouldn’t take a kick in the ass to show the love I have for you. It shouldn’t take you telling me in a blog that I took everything from you and didn’t show you much.
I wish I could say right now for you to come home. But I will not do that. You need to have your break and enjoy life for a little. But when I am ready I am coming to take you back. I am coming to re-claim what is mine and shouldn’t have never lost in the first place. To show you I am the person you know I can be. To be the person you saw all the time and just wanted me to be.
Have fun. Go to clubs. Experience life for a change. We have been together since 1989 and you didn’t have a chance to explore life to the fullest. But remember when we do re-join life will be different. Life will be fun. You will not be a sad and lonely person. I shouldn’t have brought you to this point. And friends will remain friend and I look forward to having a wonderful, beautiful exciting life together. I will not keep you from people anymore. After you come back down if you want to go visit. You will visit. We can remain part of Bear’s family. I truly liked the both of them and the friends we met while up there. I am doing a new website and will eventually give the address to you once I get it to where I want it.
I love you. I miss you. Have fun. We will see each other in a short time
I'm not even sure how to respond to this. Truthfully the trust in that relationship is gone for me. I am not sure if it can be won back. Am pretty sure I do not want to try agian. Here I feel safe and secure. I know I will always be cared for. That is not a feeling I've had before and I like it. We discuss everything is a family. No arbitrary decisions are made, which is also something I was not used too. I used to discuss things, but never got anywhere with that. Plus the lifestyle really had nothing to do with our breakup. In fact it might have made me stay longer then I otherwise would have. I love the lifestyle, and not going to give it up at this point, but I have to have a partner I can trust. Unfortunily its just not my husband. Even little things I ask him just at times seems to much. Case in point I asked him to send a resignation letter from me to Pauline for our boards munch. Didn't get done. His answer to that was to tell Pauline I had quit like she didn't already know that, and now she is still bugging me about it. Its a small simple thing, but just a hint of what I deal with daily when asking him to do anything. I do not believe anything will change. Have been there way to many times before. Plus he truly doesn't get the lifestyle relationship. It's not about him being Dom and bossing me around. Its about trust, honor, and integrity. If he says something he has to mean it not just say it to appease people. Ok there's my rant for the day....be well.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
It was a very hard decision, but I finaly left. I am now in Goargia with my Master and Mistress. I feel very lucky to have found such loving caring people who wanted me. I do miss my family terribly, but I do not miss the incredible sadness that was part of each and every day. The pain and heartache I knew all the time. It is such a relieve to wake up to a house full of people that I love and I know love me. I have begun a new chapter in my life one I look forward to with happiness and joy. I do miss my daughter horribly but the way I was feeling I was doing her no good. I was not happy which didn't make me a very happy person to be around. I have goals in mind to accomplish and I think my Master and Mistress might have a few for me as well. With help I feel that I can accomplish anything and hopefully will find that to be true. I do not have the terrible self doubt like I always had before. I have found the power of touch to be such a wonderfull thing. I've always been a touchy feely person in a family of non touchers. To be able to hold hands, rub someones back, sit on the floor and just rub and touch someones foot and ankle feels so great. Here that touch is welcomed not rebuffed all the time. I am in heaven. Amazing what such a simple thing changes inside yourself. Being able to touch and hug whenever and wherever I feel is just such a freeing experiance. I hope everyone enjoys it like I now do and was unable to before. Will write more as time goes on....
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
We chose how we spend our time, and myself I believe we should spend more time with the one's we love rather then doing other things. I sometimes feel so lonely even in a houseful of people. Everyone is always in different rooms. Even bedtime is the same. We all go at different times, and once we are there there is very seldom any cuddling or talking. The wounding each other is the worse. Slinging words like weapons of mass destruction aimed to cause the most harm and hurt. I'm just so tired of it all. All I ever wanted was a house, a little money in the bank for emergency's, and to feel loved always. I wish I could say I even had two out of those three things, but I can't. Accusations being flung like cannons have ripped me apart, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be whole again. All I want is to do what I feel is best and right for me for a change, yet do I really matter? Some think not. Are they right? I can not answer all I know is I have to try for my own sake. I have to go for happiness for once. If it doesn't work out I know that I'll never have the courage to spread my wings and try again...
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Once again we are at this point. I know you have seen the distance that has grown between us. There is a rift that is always there, but at times its a chasm that can't be crossed at all. That is were we are right now. I promised you a year when I came back last years. That year is almost up, and to me we are at the same place we were then. I have tried not to seek love from others, but sometimes I am so lonely and bored I can't help but reach out. As long as we've been together I do not truly think either of us were ever truly happy with the other. As much is it pains me to hurt you I think at some point in our lives we have to say enough is enough. I do not want to hurt you by my actions anymore, and I'm sure you do not wish to hurt me anymore either. I truly think we need to go our separate ways at last, and hopefully remain friends. Truly I do not think it matters where I go though to you I know it will. I have had so many over the last year offer me a place to stay till I get on my feet. Not as a sub, but as a friend. Katie even knows how much I hurt at times we have discussed it. She has said time and again she wants to stay with you. She thinks you would not be able to survive without her. Plus she loves her school and has no wish to move. I truly think we need to start making the arrangements necessary to end the pain and heartache for both of us. You can not keep ignoring my posts if they don't please you. Not once but several times I told you that the BDSM relationship wasn't work out between us. Yet you would not let it drop, becouse you liked having some control over our relationship at last. I think its telling even my dog tag is starting to rust. I could say so many reasons why that relationship didn't work same as our vanilla relationship, but I just want to say a friendly goodbye work things out and leave on good terms. I've stayed so long not only for Katie, but becouse I was afraid for you if I left. Now I have to just say your responsible for your own actions and hope for Katie's sake that to be true. No one has coerced me away this has been a long time coming. I would like to take the car least till I get a job and can afford another. If you do not wish to depend on your mother though I will understand and make do. Katie will love the new computer if you go get it next month. It would be a great Christmas gift for her. Truly I would like to start divorce before I leave, but if you are not ready for that I won't push it. I hate to say that I regret ever marrying. So many times I've looked at it as one of my biggest mistakes, and I'm so sorry for that. I'm not saying we didn't have a good life, and lots good in it. All I'm saying is for me most times the pain outweighed the happiness. You and Katie have always been a unit. You like the same things and get along so well together. I was always the one left out. The third wheel that was just dragged along behind you two. Truthfully I probably would have been gone long ago. I've always been afraid to be on my own, and thought I needed someone. I still feel that way, but its time to discover myself and try. I am so hidden, and keep so much inside till I explode. I do not want to be like that anymore. I tried honesty with you when I started this blog, and got in trouble several times for saying what was on my mind. Thats when I stopped writing here every day. Even when I told you how much something meant to me your own feelings mattered more. OK enough here. I said wasn't going to say anything, and I'm not. I did plenty wrong myself, and hurt you more times then I care to count. As said its just time for all the pain to end......
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Well at last we had decided enough was enough. We were getting out of Florida come hell or high water. We really needed the break. Since my so called friend BT made excuses as to why we couldn't visit her we headed to Georgia to visit my friends Bear and Lady Ursa instead. They have been friends since I've joined MDS almost a year ago. When life got hectic and none of us could be on like we used too I truly missed seeing them in chat. We truly couldn't afford the break, but just decided to go anyway. We'd eat as cheaply is possible. Basically to me most of the trip was a waste. We went to malls and just drove around. Traffic was hectic, and I really dislike seven lane highways. We met Bear and Lady Ursa Saturday night. They took us to one of the clubs they hang out in. They were having a reaffirmation collaring ceremony. I met some of there other family members, and truly felt welcomed. I did cling a bit to Lady Ursa's side. I just felt like I belonged there. When I wasn't following her around I was out running around in the gorgeous woods. My only regret is never found a tree with low enough branches to climb. After the ceremony people started breaking up into groups and playing in various areas around the dungeon. My husband took Lady Ursa aside and asked if she would scene with me. This was truly a surprise is I know how jealous he gets, and he had already warned me off being so affectionate. Truthfully taking off my clothes down to my underwear I should have been nervous, but being in the presence of Lady Ursa and Bear was very relaxing. Just having her hands on me was so soothing they could have done anything, and I probably wouldn't have noticed. Truly I would like to describe more and tell all the items that were used, but I do not know. I was so lost in sensations that had no clue when one flogger was switched for another or who's hands were where. When it did get to be a bit much Lady Ursa's good girl whispered in my ear made the pain just melt away and I glowed with happiness. I truly didn't even realize when it was over till she was helping me up and wrapping me in her cloak. Laying against her as she rubbed my back was pure heaven. Truly I wished could have been longer, and I could have spent more time with them B/both. Next day they met us for lunch before we left. Sitting outside with them just relaxing and enjoying the sunshine while my family walked through a mall was wonderful. We talked a bit and got to know one another better. Truthfully I felt more at home with them then I have in a long while, and was depressed to leave. Thinking of them on the trip home though made me smile every time. I can't wait to be back in there arms where I belong....
Monday, October 8, 2007
An online friend jumped on me today about calling my nephew boy instead of by his name. I do call him boy or the boy a lot when referring to him though his sister has always been called her giving name by me. I do not know why in my mind he is the boy. I'm trying real hard to do what's best for these kids, and me and husband doesn't always agree. Lately there is just so much stress that I'm starting to buckle under it. My friends keep telling me these kids aren't my responsibility that for once I should concentrate on myself and my needs. I finally thought I had everything worked out in my mind, but discovered that I really don't. Once again I'm feeling a bit lost and alone. No offense against my husband. He has been wonderful lately, but I think that like always it's a temporary change and soon we will once again be two strangers under same roof. I want to give him benefit of doubt, but I'm so burned out anymore. I'm depressed and feeling lost, and truly want to leave. I feel stuck here with all of these responsibilities. Is it far of me to take on these kids when I truly don't want them, and they drive me nuts? Husband still has things that absolutely drive me nuts. If I truly loved him would the little things make me so crazy? I jumped down my friends throat today online when she was just trying to help me. I mean really exploded and got angry, and I'm so seldom like that I scared myself. I'm trying to convince myself I do want these troubled kids, knowing I truly don't. They have so many problems and neither is easy to get along with. I feel horrible feeling this way, but can't change the way I feel about anything. I just do not feel equipped to handle them and all there problems. My need to not hurt anyone is just making things worse, becouse the only one getting hurt anymore is myself.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Tonight we had a guest speaker who's a psychiatrist for relationships. Was a real eye opener. Number one thing that caught my attention was the reason most people cheat is becouse they are missing intimacy in there life. He also said couples need to find time each day to connect with each other even in small ways. This is something I crave. Like the time at night Master watches his video before going to sleep. That is time we could cuddle and talk. Plus the honesty issue. I've tried to be honest and upfront and it hasn't worked. Like when I begged for an online Mistress and was shot down without recourse. That would have took care of some of my innate need for intimacy that isn't always fulfilled. I do not want to lie and cheat to get this need fulfilled. I do not want to leave and kill the marriage, but I hate feeling like that's the only way I will be happy. I hate being dishonest it kills me. I worry about hurting someone even though I try not to hurt anybody. It's been better, and we have had sex more often lately but for me it's not enough. I do not want to feel that way and I wish that wasn't the case. I almost never initiate sex anymore, becouse I'm so burned out from being turned down so many times. I just don't see why I could not have someone agreed to on the side with all the terms laid out before hand. I know maybe that's a lot to ask, but wouldn't it be better then no relationship anymore? I love sex, and having sex. The closeness and cuddling afterwards. I know it's not my husbands fault he can't have sex becouse of his disability but why do I have to feel so guilty for wanting someone to fill that void. Toys and hands just aren't the same and never will be. I do not want to be driving to cheat to fulfill this driving need inside me. I do not want to be forced to leave just so I can enjoy sex. I just don't know where to turn anymore or what to do? Honesty ha....just causes pain and more heartbreak.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
I'm so angry lately and no way to let it out. Tired of all the crap. Tired of lies, stealing, and fights. Your family is worse then a Jerry Springer special edition show, and instead of saying look I know your lying stop the bullshit you just let them keep on running over you. It makes me so angry I just want to scream and stomp my feet. No I have not been listening to you lately, or calling you Master. You want the accolades act like one. Put them damn losers in there place and stop letting them walk all over us. Tell Kiera her behavior is unacceptable and she needs to straighten it. Make Katie clean her room. Do something anything besides nothing....please. I get so angry also when we are around anyone in you give out so much information they don't need to know. It's a minor thing and shouldn't bug me but it does big time. Our life is none of other peoples business. I'm just angry. I want to scream and shout, instead we go on every day like nothings wrong the world is a perfectly happy place. It's not damn it. The world fucking sucks wake up and smell the cyanide. O yea it will get better. When? When money grows on trees and we can just pick it to make a home for these kids that don't even want us? I so just want to vanish and have one peaceful moment. I wish I was still a teen becouse I'd run away and never come home again. Sighs and wonders away to muddle through life some more.....
Monday, September 24, 2007
Yes soda need it, love it, live for it. Why did I give it up? I know the blog thing has seriously lagged lately. Just not in mood to blog anymore. I blog when I'm happy and I'm not happy often anymore. If I try to put my finger on why I'm not happy I can't. There are moments of happiness but there's more moments of just drifting from moment to moment waiting for the day to end. I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm not sure where I'm going or where I want to be anymore. We went to Master Zooms birthday party a few days ago and that was fun. Several people played and I so wished someone would have volunteered to flog me. I know my husband is trying, and I'm not sure what I'm missing that leaves me looking elsewhere. I don't think it has anything to do with the lifestyle It's just to much past history, pain, and anger that I can't push aside. I still feel lonely and neglected at times, though we do a lot more then we ever used too together. I just don't really feel wanted, needed, or loved here. I know that's not fair or true, but that's how I feel. The power exchange doesn't work here. He takes control only sometimes, when there's a point he's trying to make otherwise I do and get away with everything. Truly accept in the bedroom I'm not sure I'd listen anyway. Sometimes I do other times I just ignore him. Maybe I should try harder to be happy where I'm at. I'm so confused and can't get my own head right maybe that's why I stopped writing.....sighs....thinks about lots a soda.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
We went to a friends house for dinner and a demo last night. Was supposed to be on fire and wax play but Master Zoom was tired, and they didn't want to get that into everything so was just on flogging. After eating we talked for along time just getting to know one another better. Master Zoom has graciously offered to mentor my husband so he can be a better Dom. After talking for a long time my husband finally said it's getting late can I see some toys..lol. They have two huge glass cabinets in there dining area with all there floggers and stuff laid out for viewing. Zoom pulled out all the floggers and paddles for my husband to see. Pauline took off her dress and he demonstrated where to hit properly on her back and buttocks. Master used a couple of the floggers and paddles on me getting used to the feel. I asked Pauline if I could see try her clover nipple clamps with weighted chain. They felt fine at first but quickly the nipple started to burn where it was pinching. This was quickly escalated when husband pulled the chain a few times. When they where taking off and he rubbed the feeling back into the nipples it hurt like hell, but went away fairly quickly. I'm not sure but think if was actually in the mood I'd like the clamps a bit better. When horny I like the stronger feelings rather then weaker. It was a bit of a learning experience and I enjoyed it greatly. Master Zoom said next time he'd pull out the cross, and husband asked him if he would demo on me. They are wonderful friends, and I think we are lucky to have them mentor us.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Alright I've tried to talk to you, but as have said before talking face to face is not my forte nor will it ever be. I've said before you as my Master wasn't working, and it's not. This exerting your authority only when you want to make a point is not working for me, and it's not going to work. If I listen anymore it's becouse I want to. If I don't your going to have to live with that. I promised to give it a chance and I did. You refused to find someone to mentor you to be a better Master, you refused to let me mentor under someone to learn more about lifestyle like I wanted, and you refused to let me have an online Dom to help deepen my submission. When I first introduced you to lifestyle it was wonderful. That lasted maybe a month and everything slid right back to where it always is. You one room me the other and hardly ever the twain shall meet. Same complaint I've always had we are two strangers living under the same roof. Now with all the added stress of the last few months I've been sinking deeper and deeper into depression, and not only did you not see it you weren't there to give me the helping hand I needed. I admit I'm way to friendly online, and spend way to much time talking to people on yahoo. They are here for me though, as you haven't really been. I know it's not intentional but that is how I feel. I was seriously thinking of leaving for my own happiness, and truthfully still am. I know a couple moving to Texas at the end of this month who would like someone to keep up there house since they work such long hours, and be home when they can't for there son. That is why I've been so distant lately, becouse I didn't know how to tell you. Well mote point now you saw my changed slave register. Wasn't how I wanted to talk to you. I don't want to deal with this right now. Guess what I want matters little? I am so confused and dead inside right now. Life is just always the same day after day till I want to scream. I know you would never understand how I could love those I've never talked to or met, but I can and do very much so. I've developed more self worth in there believe in me then ever before. You wanted to know who MLL and MLNL are? They are a couple that has shown me nothing but love and kindness. They wanted me to move to Texas with them and look after there house since they both work long hours. Now I'm talking in circles becouse I'm so lost and upset. I do truly care for them even though you say you can't know people you haven't met. I've truly tried to be happy, but maybe I'm unhappy anywhere. I just don't know anymore. I was not trying to lie or deceive you just didn't now how to talk to you and still don't. I've tried to let you know when I feel neglected yet it's done no good. I've written in my blog how I feel, and I get the same assurances and promises over and over yet things might change for a week up to a month, then everything goes back to the same. Today was the first time in months that you tried to kiss me or hold my hand. Last night was the first time in over a month you touched me, and no I didn't want to be touched. I'm tired of your schedule and your time. Truly I don't want to be your slave I'd rather if you want to try again just be a normal nilla couple with kinky bedroom play. Are you going to listen what I want or ignore it? I can't kneel and serve you when my heart isn't in it and right now my heart isn't in it. I thought about leaving within a week, and just not coming back. I'd already decided that was the wrong path and I needed to talk to you, but I'm not saying I'm going to stay. I'm tired of going around in circles with you year after year and hearing the same promises and you saying you'll take care of stuff and it not getting done. Bills going unpaid, courts as well that needs to be paid. I just can't handle things anymore...
Monday, September 3, 2007
This morning Master told me be in room at 9:30 for a bit of play. OK no problem. Thing is when I'm up in morning I'm up and awake. I'm a morning person. So when I come to room like he tells me I'm a bit hyper and playful. He kept telling me stop bouncing and give him time to wake up. Now since he told me 9:30 couldn't he have started to wake up before that time, instead of waiting for me to get in there. Then he finally said if I couldn't be quiet and still to leave. No problem with me I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. This is what really bites though he said as I was leaving I'm doing this for you not me you know. What the hell? Well don't do me any damn favors. I've said all along if you weren't into lifestyle fine. It's not a game to me. It's not something to switch on and off at will. Either you take control at all times, and punish the same for infractions or we quit. Drop out of munch and go back to being vanilla which we pretty much are anyway. You said you loved Shibari even bought more rope. Yet it hasn't been touched. Our soft restraints on end of bed may as well not be there. Now this. We have to set up play dates. I have to come in on your time when your ready. Well maybe I am not ready then. What happened to the passion? You say how much you love me and I excite you, but you never show that. If your not interested in sex I can live with that, but don't do me any favors. If you don't want to be in charge fine. It's easier to just sit back and do nothing. Don't keep pretending this is working when it's not though. Let me go play with others. Let me find a mentor that will teach me more and take me further in the lifestyle. I don't want nor am I happy with a half assed effort anymore. Don't do me any favors? Just sit back and watch your stupid TV shows and let me live my life the way I want and need to be happy. You got mad at me yesterday because my girlfriend Jany called. You always say I don't know these people that I can't give out my number nor should I talk to them. Well fuck that. I've known people online longer then I've known people for real. I have no friends in case you hadn't noticed, and I'm tired of doing nothing and being nothing. I will be more outgoing. I will talk to my friends on the phone if I so please. I promised to try this with you. Well it's not working for me. There is enough stress and sadness from outside sources I can't stand the pain from you as well. I have actually been thinking about leaving again, but it is something I will probably never do. Not for you, but for myself. I know that hurting others effects me a thousand times worse then it does them. I can live with the unhappiness and am used to doing so and hiding it. I am not going to keep pretending anymore though. Your once every few weeks play is bullshit. You don't want to play with me fine don't pretend anymore either. Maybe I shouldn't write when angry, disappointed, stressed out, and just plain upset but then again maybe I should. I'm not the woman you met nor the one you married. I'm not sure you wish to know this one. I have so many that would love me in there lives and respect me for who and what I am. Yet I stay here with one that does not. I've accepted nothing all my life, and now when all I'm asking for is someone to actually step up take charge and be responsible for a change I guess it's to much. Don't think you changing for a month before everything goes back to the way it always is will make a difference it won't. Have been there and done that time and time again. End of rant.....
After this Master called me back into room. He brought our his inner beast and we played for a while. I still stick by what I've said, and just want to know if when we play like that it does nothing for him? That is what is seems like with the long length of times between play sessions. When he plays with me like that, and I see how Dom he can be I'm left bitter and disappointed when that side goes away again and doesn't come back out. Then he's not really worried about getting rough or hurting me it's all about sensations and hearing me moan, and doing as he wants to me. I'm just not sure I can stand being on the roller coaster ride any long with all the lows, and every once in a while a quick high...
Friday, August 31, 2007
Everything that could go wrong today did. Well today and yesterday actually. Had problems with my niece yesterday. She was caught in several lies, and having problems at school. Couldn't march with band tonight for game because of it. Hope we caught it quick enough for the whole problem to be solved. The today mom in law's car breaks went out. Seems was completely out of fluid and adding some worked. Hope that is all it is. Then this one's car started having problems as well. Air was going out. Master can not regulate body temp well so was severally over heated and short tempered. Had to run kids and mom in law around all day. Was a long tiring day. This one really felt stress and wanted some release wanted to play with self, but Master wouldn't allow. I understand he is in pain and doesn't always want to play but this one needs that play time. Really feeling less and less subservient the more that gets dumped in our laps. Husband isn't even trying to correct girl anymore which hurts. Have got in his face bad and haven't even got one stripe for it. Not that trying to make him discipline, but least some reaction rather then ignoring it. Right now just want to run away and never return. Am sure he's feeling same way though. I know a good bout of being tied up and spanked would make me feel better, but guess it doesn't do same for him. Am just so tired of doing for others and not even getting some play time and discipline for myself. Any other Dom would love the chance for a little stress relieve on the backs of there very willing subs I'd think. Trying real hard to just plow on and make things work, and make a place for these kids but it's damn hard and we have no help. Instead everyone has there hand out to us wanting things. All I want is some quiet time for play and a Master that disciplines when needed. Right now feeling so unsubmissive lately though might not accept discipline if giving. Might break whip in pieces and toss it in trash.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Well still haven't had time to play,and it really bites. I know we've been stressed out and busy, but it would be so nice to just say heck with everything else and go shut the door for a few in the afternoon and have some fun..sigh. Hopefully soon being a celibate sucks. Master is addressing this issue. He assures me he's not ignoring me just been so hectic lately, and he's not feeling well again. I can't help how I feel though. He makes me feel so wonderfully alive when we play, and I get really depressed when don't get that time specially when it's for weeks and weeks. Have my niece Keke tonight so no nookie tonight either. Actually have nothing to complain about life is good is can be expected with so much stress and aggravation. Runs back to play in MDS....
Friday, August 24, 2007
Hmmm...I've been avoiding writing lately, because I don't want to write bad stuff anymore. Just been a long week, and Master hasn't felt good. I've been spending an inordinate amount of time online. Master hasn't even said anything about it. I've done hardly anything that I should be doing. Almost better when my time in chat is curtailed I get more work done online and off. I know Master isn't purposely trying to push me away, but it feels that way when I'm trying so hard for a little loving and he's always telling me later. I'm glad I have such good friends online they do fill the void when I'm feeling particularly lonely like I have this week. Ah well nothing much else to write. Just been so busy trying to keep house clean, and help my mom who's still using leg as an excuse to have me do everything......sighs and wonders away.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Well am sure we all know this and agree, but punishment itself isn't the problem it's waiting for punishment. I know when vanilla things intrude and Master doesn't have time to punish me immediately for transactions that I'm just going to earn more before ever receiving a single lick. The longer the time before he gives punishment the more I will earn. By the time this one earns her punishment she has forgot what punishment was for though it's usually for same things. Disrespect, disagreeing, and temper tantrums. This one is truly trying to work on those things, but sometimes just can't help myself. Last night I was honest about something that I thought would get me in trouble, and make Master very angry. He wasn't angry and explained rules for that type of thing and thanked me for being honest. Knowing that I can go to him without him exploding and not letting me explain will make it much easer to keep communication open between us. I think him knowing he has final say and I will listen helps him to accept things he didn't before as well. There are still times where I'm just plain tired, cranky, and argumentative just for the sake of arguing. I'm trying to curb these urges and remember my place, but not the easiest thing to do. Like all when I feel I'm right I'm right and thats all there is to it. I'm unable to accept his word is law at these times and sulk like a two year old. I have to remind myself who is in control and who's word is final, but even that doesn't always help. Usually him pulling me to him by my hair, and slapping my face will bring me around quickly and remind me of my place. Other times like a child it just makes my lip stick out more, and me want to battle more. Muttering and kicking things. I have to know he's in control and he will take care of things. That is coming gradually. We still have a problem trying to deal with his niece and nephew. The 16 year old isn't a real problem though she does have teen attitude we have to deal with, it's the 11 year old. Unfortunate as it is we always prayed nothing would ever happen to his mother because we never wanted the boy. Now we have him, and have to deal with all his myriad problems. He is extremely hyper and rude. He does not do well around people, he only relates to games and cartoons. He is overweight and eats like a horse. Truly he drives us both crazy within ten minutes time and we want to strangle him. So thinking of raising him for the next ten years is not a fun thought. I truly think he is a little disassociated from things. He didn't even seem bothered by his mother's passing. I'm sure it might cause problems for him when he's older, but right now he just seems so lost inside himself. I think he might actually be a bit autistic and hope to get that checked out. Hopefully we can get him help and gain some sanity from having to deal with him. Truly I know once we get a place and have all the kids living with us Master and I will have so little time for each other. I just hope that together we can weather all storms and rely on each other as I've come to rely so heavily on him for all my needs....
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
As someone pointed out I am very lucky. My Master is trying and taking the lifestyle very seriously. He is handling is family very well with all there bickering and stuff. He's got the kids under control. He is handling things very well, and I might just be able to stop worrying about everything and everyone. I still regret we don't get more time together, but the time we do have is spent with each other and very enjoyable. I can see us together forever when for a long time I couldn't. He is watching out for me, and helping me stick with things he knows I want to stick with like the no caffeine. He's been super helping with my mother after her surgery. It's almost like a completely different person. He's more personable, more confident, more sweet, and a thousand times more loving then ever before. He's also stronger, less willing to give on things, and not as much of a procrastinator as before. All of which is super. He takes no crap, and lets the kids know if they step out of line. Today Joey was being rude with his other aunt and brought up her chin hairs, and even though she said that's fine I know he's just playing Ed jumped on him and explained to him you don't treat woman like that you respect them, and treat them right. He exerted his authority and pretty much told his sister to butt out he'd correct him if he wanted. I wanted to applaud. I am falling in love all over again. I hope everyone has a second chance like we've been giving, because it's so worth it....
Monday, August 13, 2007
Does anyone have any idea why I would want to change my loving husband into a controlling Dom? I'd love to know myself. Why do I love the feel of his hands fisted in my hair so much? The cold bite of steel as he draws it down my flesh making me quiver with so much joy that at times I laugh hysterically. God the power he wields over me, and he doesn't even realize it at times. I'm at his mercy when he is playing with me, and I'd do or say anything to cum yet he never takes it that far always giving me what I'm craving without me having to ask. Today I reached for a mountain dew even though I'd been doing so well with no caffeine. He caught me, and didn't let me have it. I admit I'm weak and sometimes just can't do what's right for myself, and I truly appreciate he's helping me stick with something that matters to me. The more he gives the more I dream about and want. He gives me nine whacks with the Kendo stick I want twenty or thirty. He spanks me with his bare hand a few times I want him to smack me longer and harder till my ass is red with the imprint he leaves. Sometimes I want him to make me beg before him. Kneeling before him requesting permission for even little things. Then other time's I just want to be left alone, and I get bratty when he calls me down before him. Why am I so changing like the winds? There is a big difference in the way I feel toward him though. Now I think what will Master think of this before I act. He's in my mind more often, and with a little effort on his part he could completely control me. It took me time to remember to put his clothes out every morning, and quiet a few corrections before I started doing it automatically. Thing is he's not always consistent with punishments, nor are rules clear cut. So I'm at times confused so act bratty when I shouldn't. Plus I still worry when I know things need paying or stuff needs doing, and he tells me not to worry he'll take care of it. I'm starting to trust him more, but still have this nagging doubt in the back of my mind when I see money getting spent to quickly and things not being done. I do know there are times I get whiny and Master pretty much buys me anything I ask for, and I try to remember that and not ask for much. I know that I'm also an adult we are partners and we should work together on things like that, but I guess I have a fifties mentality and really thing the husband should take care of certain things and be in charge, and the wife other things. I grow up with a father that constantly told me where a womans place was. Guess I took it more to heart then I ever thought I would. All I know is when my collar and choke chain is held in Masters hand I feel complete in a way I've never felt before. I can finally relax and get rid of stress and worries that have plagued me all my life. I'm just an extension of him, his property, his girl since have no control at those times, have none of my usual worries that being in control causes me. Even the stress of taking care of my mother after surgery right now is lessened, because now we are truly partners in ways we never were before. I truly hope we grow and go further in the lifestyle, but I do know I never want to go back to being vanilla again....
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Well once again stupid life is getting in the way. Some reason lately I've been extremely tired every day no matter how much sleep I get. Maybe it's depression. All this fighting among his family over the kids, and now having to wait on my mom till her knee heals. I have been bad about swimming haven't done it in two days now. Of course I've been cleaning, cooking, and doing laundry for those two days to have the house ready when mom came home. I've been in a really pissy mood as well. No reason for it that I can figure out. Haven't been real nice to Master. He's done a good job of keeping me in check though, and not getting to out of control. Sometimes I wish he'd just really show how sexy he thinks I am, by just grabbing me and kissing for no reason. That's not even fair cause he does at times, I'm just looking for reason's to bitch. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I wish me and him could just go away for a week just us two with no TV, which would kill him and rediscover each other. I still feel at times things that should be taking care of are not being done as quickly as they should. Master buys me pretty much anything I want and same with our daughter. I know I pout if I really want something and don't get it, but I also get over my self pretty damn quick. I'm still a bit upset about everything, and miss the time I had with two people very much. Right now though am still not able to face them without being very sad. Am sure that's a bit of my depression and the fighting between family members here as well. I feel absolutely worthless. something I was working on, but can't seem to get past anymore. If it wasn't for my online sister Jany do not think I'd even bother to log on anymore. Ah monkey nuts to everything. Life sucks then you die why bother even trying for more? Yes I know it's so wrong but how I feel at the moment. Out for now.... dark angel
Thursday, August 9, 2007
My apologies for last couple of days. I reacted like a five year old had my tantrum, yelled, screamed, threw things now it's back to being an adult which sucks. I'm still sad, angry, and heart broken, but that doesn't change the way I feel. That won't change at all. I do know this was for the best, doesn't mean I have to like it. Nor does it mean I am not angry at Master. He is Master and it was his right to refuse me though it still hurts like hell that he didn't even let us give it a try. Truthfully I should have talked to him more, but I couldn't. He didn't want this anyway so he'd just be happy its over. Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit but that's how I feel. He is so afraid of loosing me, and wants me to be happy with just him. I wish I was truly, and I do love him dearly. It is getting better with more play, and more time spent in each other's company. We wasted so many years ignoring each other, and not caring what the other needed or wanted. Needs and wants has been a hot topic in some forums I'm in lately. More accurately needs vs. wants. What I is a submissive feels I need are usually just wants that I don't need and can live without even though at times I feel that's not true. I want sex, I want Domination, I want control, I want to be made to feel sexy and loved, I want an open and honest relationship where we can talk about anything. I need food, shelter, and medical care. As I tell my kid all the time no one says what kind of food, or how bad the shelter has to be. He is my Dominant and though I don't agree I have to abide by what he says. I gave him that right when I accepted him as my Dominant. Doesn't mean like in this instant I won't throw a fit stomp my feet and cry when I loose someone I cared so much for, because he refused to let us give it a chance. Long as he knows the more that is taking from me the unhappier I'll get till I feel like bolting again. I do not want it to get to that point which is why I liked the honesty in the lifestyle so much. Yet I was very honest and open about my relationship and the fact that it was helping me to be a better person, and it got me nowhere. So now I'm trying not to let that effect the honesty but it does. If he cared so little about my views in this matter maybe he wont care about my views in others so why bother sharing? Ah well now I'm just rambling......
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Communication something i'm trying very hard to learn. There was no communication in my house growing up. Hell my father was usually away out at sea, and my mom pretty much ignored us girls. We all hated each other so pretty much did our own things, and never saw each other. One of the things that so attracted me to this lifestyle was the honosty and communication between people. Something that is I guess frankly still alluding me. I'm still angry and feeling a little lost right now, becouse I truly felt I was trying. If that's not good enough what can you do? I did communicate my need to Master very clearly, and was shut down every time so what's left to do? I truly thought I was honest and communicated well with others, but now i'm left wondering where I went wrong? If trying isn't enough what the hell is left? I would have done anything, but wasn't giving the chance. This actually isn't directed at anyone but me. I'm pissed at me. I'm so damn angry it's not funny. The tears are still falling, and I really don't want to see or talk to anyone, becouse getting close hurts to damn much. I know that's not fair to my good friends, but that is how i'm feeling. I also don't want to end a good freindship that meant so much, but i'm not sure I can see or talk to that person agian without the pain flaring up. Honosty ha...tried it bought the t-shirt not worth it. I thought I was very honost. I'm clingy, needy, and a bit possisive of the ones I love. I don't love easily, becouse it hurts to damn bad, and i'll probaly not risk it agian for at least ten to fifteen years after this. Yet I said all this and it did no good. When I was having a problem dealing I reached out for a safety net, just to watch it snatched away. That's what honosty gets you. I loved, and damn I hurt so much....I can't face anyone for a while. I just can't. I don't want to talk or be told it will be alright cause it's not. I am serously considering deleting quiet a few of my profiles that aren't really used all that often anymore. Myspace, and cherry tap being the top two right now. I know it wouldn't be fair to my friends to delete my MDS account so I will leave it, but probaly not on much. Maybe once the pain fades a bit....
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
I know haven't posted here in a while. Guess haven't really had much to say. Master is being more Masterfull then ever. Still seems like not much playtime, but other things takes precedence now and then. Not a big deal really though I do miss it when we don't get that time. Today it's another thing that has brought me here to put down my feelings. Everyone knows I care very much for someone on line. I've not hidden it from Master, but he has refused to approve it or let me call her Mistress. Tonight I got the pretty much lets be friends speech. I understand her reasons, becouse without Master saying yes there is not much she can do to help or guide me. Still it hurts like hell. I'm angry at him, and at myself. I've been nothing but honost about this from the begining now i'm going to loose one of the brightest spots in my life, becouse he doesn't see how much she means to me. I know we can just be friends, but it's just not the same. I want to scream and howl smashing my fist into a wall to let out my agony, but after convincing my friend today that cutting wasn't the answer to her pain what kind of hypocrit would I be if I went that route. She has helped me to be a better person, and guided me so much that now I feel a bit cut loose and adrift. Truthfully I think she has been trying to tell me this for a while, but wasn't sure of my reaction so was hesitent. My heart hurts though I knew this would come in the end. I want to rile at Master, but what good would it do? His word maybe law, but it hurts that he cares so little for my feelings as to completly not listen to me about something that really meant so much to me. Thinking of vanishing for a time. Yea I fucked up agian going through my mind. I know it wouldn't last why would anyone want me...yea i'm a little out of it right now. Tears running down my face blinding me. No worries i'll get over it what choice do I have?
The tears fall endlessly
my heart torn in pieces
like sharp jagged pieces of glass
digging at my insides
I rock and shake
holding myself tightly
wanting to vanish
wishing I was dead
no pain ever again
just endless peace and quiet
not wanting to feel, hear, or see
those that cause such pain
itching to be free
of this mind fuck game
killing time till time dies
and I drift away
free at last
able to be me
till then I ache and hurt
as my heart gets stomped on
time and again
screaming out I fucking hate this
not caring if I'm damning myself
just wanting to be free....
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Now i'm so confused. I can't but help to listen to Master when he talks with power and charisma which he is lately. The last few days he's really taking charge and has captured my heart all over agian. The sex has been amazing. He has taking me on a journey I never want to end. Sorry for not talking much last few days to people my computer is being a butt. Hopefully will be better tomorrow going to scrub it and start over. Love everyone....
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
My dearest one,
We've come a long way together, and sometimes it feels like it's not near far enough. I know I hurt you with my blog yesterday and for that I offer you my humblest apologies. I know almost all of our problems stem from my neediness but knowing is not going to make it go away. I need and crave your touch so much that when we go weeks or even months with no touching it hurts me so much inside. I just want to curl up and die. I also know that your not getting much out of the deal. It tears me up inside that I can't transport you like you do me make your insides melt and your head explode with pleasure. For thats what you give me every time you touch me. I want that for you as well. Maybe if just once you felt that you'd know why I get so depressed and seek the company of others at times just to try to feel that closeness. Thing is no one will ever be you or be able to make me feel the way you do. I still feel as though you took the journey into the lifestyle as once again a way to bind me closer to you. I'm sorry you have to find ways to do that. I truly think that maybe I was wrong about needing this path in life at this time. I think that for now we should just concentrate on being husband and wife and put aside other dynamics till we work that out. I'd still like to go to the Munch's and learn all I can but not worry about anything else for the present. I met you when I was 17 lonely, depressed, and needing to get away from my own house and problems. You took me in showed me love, and gave your life to me. If I haven't said it enough your my world and I don't want to see that crumble through misunderstanding and lies. I'll I've ever wanted was a bit of time each day wrapped in your arms where the whole world can go to hell and it's just you and me. I go crazy when I don't get that and I apologize for causing so much pain and confusion between the two of us. I loved you being Dominant and I loved submitting to you, but till I know your ready I'm not going to listen and obey when I don't always think your right nor do I feel you always listen or see me. Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm not rejecting you or saying I wont do something when you ask. I just need a breather from the expectations I have and the anger and sadness I get when there not being met. So I'm not going to expect you to keep me from trouble or solve my need for pain now and then. I'll deal with my issues my own way, and just try to learn to accept you the way you are.
Monday, July 30, 2007
My Dearest Master,
Well it's been a very rocky road for us, and some reason the path doesn't seem to be getting clearer does it? I have to give you my apologies I know I've been a SAM lately. I've been pushing and pushing just to get you to push back, but your to even tempered to take the bait. I've purposely stayed on chat when you've told me to get off, and have logged on when you've told me not to. Why do I try to push you to your limit? I can't answer that in all truthfulness? Maybe I'm trying to get you to show reaction. Maybe I am a pain slut and crave the punishment, or maybe it's just to see if your paying attention or not. I can't self analyze myself, but I know it's wrong and I shouldn't be doing so. Though to be honest I'll probably keep doing so. You know I spend most of my time online with the one known as MsSquirt and I know you don't approve and won't let me officially call her my Domme though I love her with all my heart. I know I've hurt you in the past and your afraid I'll leave,but that is the furthest thing from my mind. MsSquirt makes me feel so good about myself, and makes me a better person just by knowing her. Yes I'd like to develop a relationship with her including visits and phone calls, but it would never take me from you. You've said you need time, but it's been months and the answer from you is still no so I sneak to see her, because I can't give her up. I don't want lies or dishonesty between us anymore. That is what attracted me to the lifestyle n the first place. You told me no assignments from her yet I still do them if she asks because I know she has my best interests at heart and everything she gives me to do improves and makes me a better person. You can ban me from talking to her, but then I'd still be sneaking behind your back and I don't want this. I don't want to be frustrated and thinking of leaving anymore. I want honesty and understanding and maybe I'm asking for too much. Honesty is really hard for me and just writing this knowing it will hurt you tears me up inside as well. Most of the times in our life when I have been dishonest it was because I knew something would hurt you. For me I'm so empathetic with what others are feeling I feed off that so there pain hits me harder then my own. If I'm around motivated people then I'm more motivated and that is something this family isn't very at all. If I saw someone else cleaning doing something then I do more, and in our house no one does much of anything. So yes I sit and say this this and this should be done, and yet might do one of those things I have going in my head. I don't want to be like this and don't know how to change. Just the fact that I've stuck with the no caffeine and swimming daily shows that I can do things even without encouragement or help. I want to improve myself and go further then I've gone before. I want to be a better person, and I need help do to that. You've always been an enabler for me. Unfortunitly not in a good way. If I'm sick and whiny you let me call out of work more often then not. If I'm whining about wanting caffeine you tell me to go get some even if I'm trying to give it up. If I don't want to do something right away you say fine do it later. Well I guess you see what I mean. When I first met you and was still in high school when I didn't want to go you encouraged me to stay home. So the pattern started early in our relationship. I realize that you were just trying to let me do what I wanted to do and in that way show your love for me, but it has not helped me to be a better person. I think we both need to improve ourselves and get our lives on track. How can you be in control of me when you can't take charge of yourself? I'm tired of when I ask Katie to do something or my mother does you say she's done enough or don't bother her. We ask her to do very little and I'm proud of her when she does help out. Your being her enabler too and letting her get away with just sliding through life, and I don't want this anymore. The room issue is just out of hand anymore. There is no reason she should not have had it clean months ago, but you let her make excuses stop to watch TV and whatever else she can think of to procrastinate and not do it. We are all huge procrastinators and I really would like to see that come to an end. We're just skating through life not making a difference not doing anything, and I just feel that's so wrong. I want to feel good about my decisions every day. I want people to look at me and know they can depend on me if they need to. This marathon all day TV watching of yours is that any better then me being on here chatting? I'm sorry Sir I'm not trying to make you feel bad, and am sure I have but this is stuff that has been festering inside ready to boil over forever. I've said nothing, because I'm so scared of making people angry, hurt, or upset but I don't want to keep things bottled up till the explode in unhealthy ways anymore. When I say something and you hush me up or tell me you've taking care of it and you haven't it really hurts me. This bit with you thinking your protecting us and making us happy spending money on other stuff besides bills has got to stop. Bills first before play. I've said all along that I've grown up since I've been with you and you've never changed. Can you change? Can you be a responsible adult in charge of not only his life but his wifes and daughters as well? Your always going to be on pain meds there's always going to be stress but this can't be used as excuses anymore. I know it's hard to get up and get moving and the depression wears you down. I know this. Watching you sit day after day watching same TV shows drinking tons of soda letting life just pass by is killing me. I had one goal in high school get away from my parents and never come back. This is where we are now. Is owning your own home such a huge goal its impossible? I lied when i said I wasn't thinking of leaving anymore earlier in this letter. That's false because I think it all the time. When I ask Katie to do something, and you tell me to leave her alone she's done enough. When we sit watching same damn TV shows over and over, and all you have eyes for is the TV. When I cry myself to sleep at night because I so want you to kiss and touch me and your watching a movie not seeing nor hearing me. When I sit here in the morning for hours all by myself talking to people hundreds of miles away from me knowing it will be hours before either you or Katie stirs and then even longer before your awake enough to think of doing anything. I hurt so bad at times it burns and yet I say and do nothing. I just watch the days pass us by and let ennui slip in. It's not living it's just waiting. Waiting for nightfall so the whole thing can replay day after day merging so hard to tell one day from the next. How long have you been saying you were going to do something about your chair. You just accept they won't replace it won't fix it and you won't fight. Same things with the kids we know were going to have to be responsible we need a place to live were we can take them, and we need a job so we can afford them. These things aren't just going to drop in our lap while we sit idly by. Only took you how many years to take care of my ticket? I hope everything doesn't wait that long to be taking care of I truly do. I do love you, I love the man I see inside of you. The man I want to see come out and take charge. The one that doesn't make excuses that knows who and what he is and is proud of that. It's taking me 35 years to accept who and what I am, how long will it take you?
your dark angel
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Huggssssssssssssssss to all. Put my kittens in the paper and got three calls today, but only one person actually came to see them. Worked out though they took two. Of course they took Fred and Gorge the two friendliest ones so were stuck with the duds. I've been feeling anti social today. Had a migraine again all day from the drastic Florida summer weather changes. Feels like 100 degrees one minute then sun goes away and it's storming like mad. Goes down to like 80 in no time flat. While we need the cooler air and the water is nice my sinus's take a beating from it. Sinus pressure sucks and sinus migraines even more so. I wish I wasn't so damned flawed. Asthma, allergies, Migraines, rosacia, ingrown toenails, hearing problems, and learning disabilities. Sometimes I wonder if I just got everyone else's problems? It's hard for me to feel good about myself, and even harder to believe in myself but I'm trying. When I was younger I wrote poetry to help with depression, but when I met my husband he thought my stuff was strange and I stopped writing. I know he meant nothing by his comments it just wasn't anything he understood but I'm so needy that I need others to approve what I do. I've got back into writing again and it's a great release. I still feel my stuff isn't that good and don't share most. I eat up all the good comments though one bad and I'll probably want to crawl into a hole. Master wrote a lovely blog today on MDS made me teary eyed. He doesn't express emotion often so when he does it's very special to me. It came at a good time when I was feeling pretty low and like we were drifting apart again. I still have issues though mainly with myself. I expect so much and I disappoint myself all the time. I can look around and catalog things that need doing, but half the time keep putting off the doing. I'm lazy I guess. I'll do one or two things then come here to chat, or watch TV or come up with some other excuse not to do what needs doing in my mind. I'm actually surprised that I haven't quit the morning swim yet. Food is becoming another issue with me. I still have some weight I want to loose but it's hard to eat nutritiously when your a Southerner and your family loves everything fried. My goal is to get to a size 12 but I can't seem to get lower then a size 14. I've come down from a size 22 and seem to have reached my plateau and not able to do more. Even the swimming daily seems to be making no difference. I've decided no matter what I do anyway I'm never going to be satisfied with me. Ah well enough whining from me..........
Friday, July 27, 2007
Well no new developments so far. Don't know whats going to happen with the kids. His mother thinks there here so keeps calling us. We don't' want her to know where they are. Master teased this girl sucking her tits and spanking her earlier but she drank two beers before bedtime and now just wants to pass out. Ah well maybe in morn will be able to start something so doubtful....... can't write anymore because having trouble writing since can't see straight..night all.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Well is many know my sister in law passed away three months ago. Well her two children have been staying with there grandma in a one bedroom low income housing since then. Me and Master live with my parents and we all help out, but theres no room for them here. His other sister Fran wants them but she just wants there social checks they'll be getting and she had her own kids taking by DCF growing up so she's not the best place for them. Tonight my 11 year old nephew called petrified of his grandma. She's always been a bit crazy, and very controlling and has got worse since her daughter died. She's tried to turn the kids against every one in family and pretty much isolate them with just her old crazy self. They had been to stay with there Aunt Fran for the weekend and soon as they came in she started yelling and grilling them about everything they did, and everything that was said. She has a persecution complex and thinks everyone talks about her all the time. She pulled the 11 year old Joey into the bathroom and threatened to slap him he was petrified. We went and took the kids and called DCF on her so now we have to figure out what to do. Well this will really help mine and Masters intimacy problems won't it? Sighs and wonders away inconsolable....
Monday, July 23, 2007
Well guess last nights blog didn't go over to well, but Master wasn't angry just said I needed to talk to him more but it's very hard for me to do. Obvously I feel I can't talk about somethings cause he just won't listen. He says he needs time but what hard could an online Domme do. I just don't understand his need of time nor his absolute refusal. Just accepting that would make me a lot more complaint with other things. Now he says he's going to train me harder, but train me for what and to do what? My head hurts like hell this week the no soda isn't helping my rosacia and I feel worse then ever. Hopefully sun will come out tomorrow....
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Why blog nothing happens in my life anyways? I've turned into a stay at home do nothing mom. Hubby has said over and over he was going to go get a job, but that doesn't seem to be happening. He's also said we'd go look together well that's not happening either so what's the point? Me calling him Master has changed nothing. I thought for a while it did our relationship was better more open and sex was great. Once again that's all falling to the wayside. He promised it wouldn't this time, but it's not the first time I've heard that either. One of the things that so attracted me to the lifestyle was the honesty, but that's not happening here either. If Master doesn't wish to hear what I'm saying he shuts me down before I even can get my plea out. He's not listening to my needs nor meeting them. He didn't even seem to notice that I'd stopped daily blogging. Nor that I had erased all my online yahoo conversations once just cause I was angry. I so want to have a relationship that's honest and open, but if he shuts out the things I say how can that be? He thinks online relationships are false and people are just out to hurt you. I know that's untrue and have had friends online for longer then off line actually. Moving around so much is a kid I got used to making shallow friendships that way saying goodbye and never seeing them again didn't hurt so much. I'm not sure he'll accept me being bi or let me explore that part of me and it really hurts. This is something I've repressed for my whole life, and now I can finally accept it but if he can't I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to repress it anymore. Hell if truth full I'd have probably been a lesbian if I'd have found someone to take me. I grew up with the attitude that it wasn't healthy or right though so I never let it out, but I've dreamed of females long before I ever dreamed of males. Another thing that's bothering me is his refusal to even think about a mentor or playing with others. There is so far I want to go, so much I want to try and do, and I don't see it ever happening with him. Hence I found someone willing to Domme me online take me a bit further, but that was shut down immediately too. He wouldn't even hear how much it meant to me leading to lies that I didn't want. Instead of supporting me and helping me on this journey he took it where he wanted it to go and no further. I'm feeling caged in and helpless. Do I love him? I think I do but it's so muddled through all the pain and heart ache between us. Can we be saved? I just don't know anymore. I thought this would open up our world but instead he's just using the lifestyle to bind me more to his will. Sometimes I wonder if he truly understands the love and trust between a Dom and there sub. How strong the bond is between them. He has to know me as well is I know him, and he never has. He doesn't understand how much I crave touch and need his arms around me at night. How I cry myself to sleep some nights when rebuked for being to bouncy. My body tries to say what my heart and head can not, and all I get is punished for it. I'm sick and tired today. Probably wasn't the best time to try to explain myself, yet the pain was burning inside and had to come out. I hurt the person online that means the most to me and it's tearing me up inside bringing all the old pains so much closer to the surface. In side I'm still the ugly red headed child who'd throw herself at any one for a scrap of affection. The girl who doesn't believe in herself. The one who just wants to stay home and serve and doesn't even do that well. What am I? Nothing and no one.....
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
I know haven't posted in a few days. Guess just haven't had much to say really. Plus was really tired and a bit sick last night so went to bed early. Have stuck with my swimming and pretty much with my caffeine free lifestyle. Have cheated here and there but less then one a week which I don't think is to bad. Mainly when were out and share a drink. Had my great niece who was sick all day today. That was lots of fun she was hot and miserable. Hope I don't get sick from her. Other then that have just played online all day. Master has started ignoring my time here again, not sure why. I didn't mind him limiting my time long as was allowed a few hours in morning and at night that is the main time I talk to others anyway....
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Ahhhhhhhhhh no kid and everyone comes home tomorrow. No more being naked all day. No more swimming in pool naked. I've so enjoyed this weekend. We did knife play last night and Master left some good welts. He spanked me and made me so alive and aware of my body it left me weak after. To bad just was such a short time...sigh
Friday, July 13, 2007
Got rid of everyone in the house for a few days. Finely yea. I get to let the slave free. Swim naked run around naked with just my slave collar on. Get spanked all day long. Of course took forever to have the empty house just so we could have a little private time. Had two kids stay the night last night so no luck there. Took forever to get them moving this morning so we could drop them at grandma's house and rush back home for that private time. We showed up and my nephew was here watching TV. The big ape stayed around for over an hour damn it, by time he left my sister showed up with her dog. I thought we were going to have a never ending parade of people through the house, but she finally left after rummaging through drawers and cabinets snooping everywhere. Soon as she left Master called me to him and yanked me down to the floor by my hair. He stripped my clothes off me and gave me a quick spank with promise of more later. He's made me serve for a few hours like that and every time I go by he pulls on my nipples or spanks my ass so I'm more then ready for some playtime. Ta ta.....
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Lets see my niece was up early don't think she slept well on the floor. I know they were up till after four giggling and chatting so they should all be tired tonight. Well except for the one that got up early she took a long nap close to dinner time. Had to meet mother in law at lawyers first thing this afternoon to talk about case. The lawyer wants to make Master the legal guardian for the kids. This pissed off his sister Fran who wanted custody as she saw there money flying out the window. After took his mother out to Mexican food so she could vent and maybe wouldn't call us all day. After Master had a doctor's appointment to try to get something to wake him up from the med that makes him sleepy, so we didn't get home till after two. Made roast, tators, and biscuits for dinner. Other then that have just floated through rest of day had huge storm so was offling for a bit. Story done nothing else to tell....
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Harry Potter in 3 more hours. I know because I've been giving a constant countdown. Master said we'd play before I left but he hasn't called me yet. Took the teen to breakfast this morning get a little alone time for just me and her. Picked up a book on chain mail jewelry from the library. Now if could just find some cheap links to buy I'll be in business. Katie liked quiet a few of the earrings in the book. Can't wait to try out some. Hmm other then that have nothing to write...huggles and ttfn.....
Monday, July 9, 2007
One more night till Harry Potter movie...I can't forget because my daughter won't let me. She is very hyper and excited tonight hope she sleeps in tomorrow because movie doesn't start till midnight. Have been real good about the caffeine and swimming this week. Even got the bathroom cleaned so slowly working on my list. My great niece came over today and immediately brought me my shoes and watch, then went and got grandma her shoes and purse. So guess who went out following a baby Dommes orders...lol. We went and got pizza which she loved then drove around an hour while she slept..no we are not whipped. Other then that cleaned and wrote today not much else. Master did pull my hair and play with me a bit. He got out his knife and ran it all over my body. Only problem was some reason I was in a very giggly mood today and laughed every time he touched me. Even with the knife I was laughing hysterically and moving in to the blade instead of away from it so he stopped. Of course at bedtime tonight he probably won't be in mood to play..sigh. Hopefully I'm wrong on that.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Master slept for long time today after being up all night. They didn't come in till power was back on at 6 am so him and Katie were tired. I did take advantage and had an all day chat fest..least till my ass got so sore couldn't sit anymore. Katie had plans to go to see a movie with her friends so took them out to the movies. came home at 10 and ordered a late night pizza for a snack..yum. Don't know if I'm going to get in trouble for being on line all day or not yet. Master did say had to go straight to bed after pizza no chat...ah well.