Monday, August 13, 2007

Questioning myself

Does anyone have any idea why I would want to change my loving husband into a controlling Dom? I'd love to know myself. Why do I love the feel of his hands fisted in my hair so much? The cold bite of steel as he draws it down my flesh making me quiver with so much joy that at times I laugh hysterically. God the power he wields over me, and he doesn't even realize it at times. I'm at his mercy when he is playing with me, and I'd do or say anything to cum yet he never takes it that far always giving me what I'm craving without me having to ask. Today I reached for a mountain dew even though I'd been doing so well with no caffeine. He caught me, and didn't let me have it. I admit I'm weak and sometimes just can't do what's right for myself, and I truly appreciate he's helping me stick with something that matters to me. The more he gives the more I dream about and want. He gives me nine whacks with the Kendo stick I want twenty or thirty. He spanks me with his bare hand a few times I want him to smack me longer and harder till my ass is red with the imprint he leaves. Sometimes I want him to make me beg before him. Kneeling before him requesting permission for even little things. Then other time's I just want to be left alone, and I get bratty when he calls me down before him. Why am I so changing like the winds? There is a big difference in the way I feel toward him though. Now I think what will Master think of this before I act. He's in my mind more often, and with a little effort on his part he could completely control me. It took me time to remember to put his clothes out every morning, and quiet a few corrections before I started doing it automatically. Thing is he's not always consistent with punishments, nor are rules clear cut. So I'm at times confused so act bratty when I shouldn't. Plus I still worry when I know things need paying or stuff needs doing, and he tells me not to worry he'll take care of it. I'm starting to trust him more, but still have this nagging doubt in the back of my mind when I see money getting spent to quickly and things not being done. I do know there are times I get whiny and Master pretty much buys me anything I ask for, and I try to remember that and not ask for much. I know that I'm also an adult we are partners and we should work together on things like that, but I guess I have a fifties mentality and really thing the husband should take care of certain things and be in charge, and the wife other things. I grow up with a father that constantly told me where a womans place was. Guess I took it more to heart then I ever thought I would. All I know is when my collar and choke chain is held in Masters hand I feel complete in a way I've never felt before. I can finally relax and get rid of stress and worries that have plagued me all my life. I'm just an extension of him, his property, his girl since have no control at those times, have none of my usual worries that being in control causes me. Even the stress of taking care of my mother after surgery right now is lessened, because now we are truly partners in ways we never were before. I truly hope we grow and go further in the lifestyle, but I do know I never want to go back to being vanilla again....


Master Ed said...

Everyone questions themselves every day. It makes us stronger to do it. I listen to every thing you say and want to do and make the best decision for you. I dont want you to hurt but hurting makes us stronger and closer. The brattyness is something I love about you. The 5 year old attitude one minute is cute. The pouting you due sometimes just makes me love you more and more. We will grow together. I take you as far as I think you need to go without getting hurt or getting sore.

I love and cherish you everyday,

Master Ed

cyndi/hotforgreys said...

you are so much like me. i feel the same way you do in this post. i love Master Ed's comment as well. lucky girl!


Master Ed said...

Thank you cyndi.

Master Ed