Monday, August 31, 2009

What is there to do but pull myself up...


So I went through my yahoo list and deleted all the people I talked to long ago, and don't anymore. I got rid of everyone out of my address book there too. Why keep them if they never talk to me anymore? I am letting go of the past in order to try and find my future. Today I've had major brain fog all day long. Just could not think. It was just put one foot in front of the other and do what needs to be done. I tried writing a bit, but could not get past the haze in my head to do so. I miss my baby, and she said she'd call me later never did. I know people get busy, and don't always have time but damn I need her voice to help me through the rough patches at times. She did finally leave me a text so I did not feel completly abandoned like I was starting too. I need to get back into a routine and fight this mental and physical exhaustion which seems to weigh me down. My throat has been so sore I haven't been swimming in a week which does effect my mental well being. Least when I do the swimming every day I feel like I accomplished one thing I set out to do even if its such a minor thing. I know I need to set a goal daily and accomplish at least that one goal, but right now so tired can't think much less figure out what goals I should do every day. All I know is can't keep going down this road I'm going down. I have to do something to change my path. I can't expect someone else to do it for me. All I have to do is look at my thigh and read the word hate curved there to remember why I have to change. I can't keep living like I am. Its becoming a struggle just to get moving every day anymore, and life should not be that way. I have plenty of time on my hands, but I am not utilizing that time. Of course I have wrote words to this extent over in over in the time I've been blogging here, and I've yet to do more then minor changes. I'm on the computer off and on all day and never write like I said I was going too. This last month has been so hectic I've picked up old bad habits I thought I'd kicked for good. My nails look like a beaver gnawed through them. I have chewed them down past my fingers, and now they hurt. I stopped chewing on my nails years ago, and I guess the stress lately just got me started again. Well guess I will get some sleep and hope tomorrow looks brighter then today...

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Depression


I thought I had it licked. I was hiding inside, denying it was still there. Last night after all the bullshit I had to face some hard truths. Yes I'm clinically depressed. Yes I still harbor thoughts of ending it all. I never give those thoughts credence or let them see the light of day, but they are there. Hell how could they not be. My life is in shambles. For every step forward it seems I take five back. I feel like I'll never get out of this endless spiral I am in. I've done a very good job of hiding it. So good I did not even realize how deeply depressed I was. I keep busy all day long with little things so I don't have to face myself. Yet I still haven't put one single job application in, nor have I tried my hand at writing. I am still so deeply afraid of rejection I make excuses on how busy I am so as to not have to face it. Last night was just to much and all the fears and all the uncertainty's came rushing forward. I carved the word hate on my skin. That's how I feel it sums up everything. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate my inability to move forward, or to take control of my own life. I thought I was so much further then I am. I had thought I was dealing, and doing so well, yet here I am at ground zero again. All I had managed to do was bury the fears and uncertainty's for a while. When your this sunk in depression is it possible to pull yourself up without help? I just don't know where to go, or who to turn too for help. God? He has not been there for me in the past why should he be there now. Plus they say God helps those who help themselves, and I haven't a clue how to help myself. I hate myself today for all the things I did not do....
video

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Anger



Once again my mother is being a fucking bitch. My daughter had her friends Chelsea and Jimmy spend the night. I told Katie having Jimmy over would cause issues, but she really wanted him so I agreed. My mother insist I either take him home or she will. I solved problem my ex is going to come get kids take them to his house. You know I understand its my parents house, but its fucking bullshit since I damn well know my niece Ashley always had guys over when she was younger then Katie. Katie is almost eighteen and very mature. Its not like they were doing anything. Her and her friends were watching movies and that's it. My mother has always played favoritism and Katie has never been one of her favorites. Katie is over weight and my mother has issues with people that are over weight. Katie is a good kid, she's bright and gets good grades. Does my mother ever acknowledge that. No though she pays my niece for her grades, and acts like she's a fucking genius. Instead she makes fun of Katie and never acknowledges her grades or her work effort. Katie is outside crying, becouse its unfair. Unfortunately I can't comfort her, becouse it is unfair. There just isn't anything I can do about it. I've always told Katie that is just how grandma is. I grew up with it. She was the same way when I was little. It's bullshit that Katie can not have her friends over in her own home. I wish did not have to live her, but unfortunately have no other choice right now. It always tears me up when Katie is upset. She asks for so little I hate when I can't give it to her. Right now with no job and my ex not even giving me a dime I can't give her hardly anything and I hate it. He was at least at one time making sure I had some bathroom items monthly and giving me twenty to go over to the woodshed and hang with my friends. That stopped pretty quickly. Not like I did not work most of our relationship and give him money. I'm just so fucking angry right now want to drink and cut. I know can't do either, but damn it would help for the moment. I've already been stressed enough, becouse I haven't been to see my play partners since we went to Fetishcon a few weekends ago. When I scene it relieves stress and helps me cope with all the shit on a daily basis, but I lost faith in my play partner that weekend. He gave someone he knew permission to play with me. I was hurt and taking advantage of. Nothing major happened, but I really felt like he should have been more responsible about what happened and taking care of me. Maybe I didn't make it clear how upset I was, but he should have been able to read me. He's been my play partner for quiet a while. I kind of looked to him as my Mentor and protector. I know I should talk to him and work it out. Instead once agian I have retreated inside myself and just stayed away. I don't trust him anymore, and not sure I want them to be my play partners anymore. That leaves me with no stress relieve, and no where to go to get a break from this damn house since I was staying with them every month for a few days just to get away. If I had any place to go right now I'd take it though that would probaly just lead to more trouble. I fucking hate my life....