Yes my first play party. More boring then I expected but it had its moments. The ponies are fascinating but the two that came tonight aren't the most gorgeous critters, and I could do without the sight of them prancing around actually. Master pulled out my chain and collar when we got there and had me wear them. I didn't mind since this was a swinger party and it let them know I was owned. Master said first time he saw old balls we were out of there. Withing half hour one of the pony girls started whipping a submissive older gentleman with no pants on. Lol Master let us stay though. One lady showed up in a see through mesh top. Master let me take off my shirt and walk around in just my pink bra. We watched a whole play scene between a Mistress and her husband/wife...not sure what to call her submissive. It was very touching and lovely to watch. They were very in tune with each other. Someone did a zipper dress with like 300 clothespins then had it ripped off. I didn't watch that. One guy decided he wanted to play and he was new. He stuck his huge penis through a hole in a backwards chair and let someone flog the tip, drop hot wax on it, and some other play but nothing to dramatic. Don't think he liked much of it..lol. We left about the time people started swimming naked in the pool. It was a swingers party and we don't swing so thought that was good time to exit. Watched and learned a lot though and had a good time all and all. We were invited to join the swingers yahoo group, and to go to the next swingers party and I do look forward to it.
Friday, June 29, 2007
So lets see actually got up early, but that's an every day thing. Mom made me go shopping with her because she likes the company and it doesn't hurt to have a pack mule as well to carry packages..lol. We went to walmart then got lost going to publix, and ended up way on other end of town don't ask me how. So we stopped and had lunch at a place that had great buffalo wings. Excellent food. I did what I always do ate all my sides then had no room for the main dish...lol. That left plenty for Master when we got home though so it was all good. Stopped at library and picked up a book I'd ordered. Stopped at five more places looking for a bean bag and some energy tea my niece wanted for college. Yea fun day...not. It's alright really I don't mind going out with my mother sometimes. If I don't she makes my life a hell so better to just go and act enjoyable. Was a miserable rainy day all day, but didn't effect my mood though did have a sinus headache for quiet a bit of the day. People at stores though all seemed in a rotten mood today. Master has been very tired on the Methadone. He is going to see if there is something they can give him to counteract the tiredness. The med is working great though so far. He is getting much more Dominant toward me in a good way. Love it in the morning when I try to sneak past his sleeping form he always grabs me now and holds me for a minute. He is probably thinking what other evil implement of punishment can he get, because the whip doesn't really bother me anymore. All the complaining I've done about it in the past and now it just doesn't seem that painful anymore. Well I still don't like being made to kneel against the wall and be still so he still has that up his devious sleeve. Have a wonderful weekend to one and A/all.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Hmmm have a headache so can't really think. Master has curtailed my time on MDS says I spend way to much time chatting. I was mainly good though I did sneak on once for five minutes while he was dealing with his mother. Admitting that here will probably loose me a day of chat time..sigh. Honesty isn't the easiest thing but I am working on it. Three days now with no soda..least I think it's three days not sure anymore. My head is killing me tonight. Master is putting me in my place and I'm thankful to him for that. OK have no clue what else to say tonight just can't think....have a lovely week one and all.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Katie got a call to go to movies with her friends, which of course meant they all needed a ride. So we went to see the new Die Hard movie. She forgot to mention there was three beside herself and we have a small car that barely fits two in the back seat. So we had three huge teens squashed with one laying across there laps. We are very lucky no cop saw us. We made it there alright, and met another teen there that we weren't told about. Katie had fun though and that's what counts. I wrote and rsvp'd for the play party saturday since Master has continued to say we could go. I'm really looking forward to that and hope i'm off my monthly be then, becouse i'd really love to try the cross and some of the other play things i've been told will be there. Played in chat for abit with my friends, and that was fun but Master has curtailed my time and I have to be off by 8:30. He says we discussed it last night, I remember him talking and me saying yes Sir if you call that a discussion..lol. Guess no staying up till midnight anymore and I was begining to think I was such a party girl. Huggssssssss and good day to one and A/all.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
That time of month so no play for a week as I feared...sigh. They put Master on a new med today so hopefully that will help the pain. Went grocery shopping with the Mom today..always fun. Am trying mediatition for relaxation, but it's so noisy hard to find a place to relax and just breathe. Hate cramps and I get them so bad. Breathes slowly trying to work through pain. Soon as got back had to leave in twenty minutes to take Master to doctors then had to go to pharmacy and wait for prescription so wasn't home much today. Then mom went and got the baby. My niece owes me money so is refusing to ask me to baby sit. She had someones little sister watching baby today, which is why my mother went and got her. Master is still saying yes to play party on saturday so have that to look forward to. I do not want to play, but i'd like to observe.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Well another banner day here. Yes I'm being sarcastic. Did nothing today. Was up by seven and didn't get much sleep. Only swam two laps today. Legs were killing me. finished up my laundry. watched some TV shows I had saved. Master didn't sleep well either because he was to hot. He went straight into computer room and was there all day. we finely left for a bit to go get my daughter from her grandmothers house. I was purposely being bratty just so Master would punish me. I cussed a few times just to get slapped. it was a grey icky day today which caused me to have a migraine. Not helping my niece has been here, and she listens to music on the computer way to loud. my female cat hid all her kittens last night, and we haven't a clue where. Hopefully she is still feeding them. my stray got out the door and I had to leave it open for a while before she came back. She's still pretty shy. I tried getting Master to play a bit today, but he wasn't in the mood. I know I'm going to start my monthly soon so probably won't play for a week...sigh. I guess should really end this before get in more trouble. I'm just feeling really depressed today and no clue why...
Sunday, June 24, 2007
OK not actually going to write to much today have a bit of a head ache. Think I wrote enough yesterday anyway. Did my swimming today though really didn't want to. You'd think facing that cold jump would get easier, but it doesn't seem to be. finished two weeks worth of laundry at last. Managed no caffeine except for a few sips of Masters tea at lunch time. Spent a lot of time online today with friends. Really need to start curtailing my time in chat, or better managing it. Have some writing and things I want to do and never get around too. OK that's about it for the day. No one was home for a long time today, so Master made me take everything off. I went and put my slave collar on. That's all I wore most of the day. He did pet me a bit, and pull my hair whenever I passed him...yea. so wasn't a bad day just long. I'm so outtie....huggssssssssss.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Well have managed to stick with the swimming so far, and did a lot of cleaning today. Had one mountain dew, but that was it for the caffeine all day.
I've been thinking a lot about where I am, and how I got here so think might take the time to just go over the past a bit here. I am the youngest of four girls. My father is navy and was never around growing up. That left my mom in charge who was so busy with my more difficult sisters had little or no time with me. I was the baby, the tattle tale, and whatever other hurtful annoying names my sisters could come up with though I worshiped the ground they walked on. From early on I was the nourish er. I cooked and cleaned, and didn't cause trouble. My father used to always say that's woman's work, when anything came up in the kitchen. He might have been joking, but I heard him say it all my life. Me and all my sisters but one were tom boys. We climbed tree's and hung out with the neighborhood boys more then girls. For me it was very difficult making new friends. I was painfully shy, and having a learning problem, hearing problem, and speech problem didn't make things easier. We moved every two or three years so I learned not to keep up with friends. It was just a fact that we would eventually leave anyway. When I was about 15 we moved to Merritt Island for what would be our last move. My dad retired here though he still works on missiles. I was still shy, and probably needy as well. I put up a tough front to hide my shyness from others. I was in ROTC which didn't help my image any..lol. My first boyfriend was much older then me, had a car, and I would do anything he asked. He moved back to his home town after a year, and I was devastated. After that I probably latched on to any guy that paid attention to me. I carried a switch blade, and drank a lot and tried to get rid of my good girl image. I hung out with guys much older then me, and they were jerks to me. During this time my next oldest sister got pregnant she had already had an abortion when she was 14, and this pregnancy started a civil war in my home. I'd hang out with anyone to not be around. I just wanted out. I had tried committing suicide and wrote very dark painful poems, and after my mom found out they took me to one psychiatrist that was an absolute jerk. I had only one visit but he told my parents that I had to much responsibility and shouldn't help watch my young nephews anymore. Now they were the only thing keeping me sane at the time. They were snatched away and constantly told not to bother Aunt Kim even though I had practically helped raise them. I met an old boyfriend and started hanging out at his apartment just to be away from my home. One of his roommates was disabled but cute as all get out, and sweet as can be. He did my math homework for me and we ended up spending a lot of time together. At the time he had gorgeous blond hair and the brightest blue eyes, and looked like a surfer guy which is something I had a thing for. I didn't know till later it was dyed. First time I met his mother she called me a bitch for going out with his roommate. Said I must not have brains and I didn't even know the lady so we got off to a good start. she didn't know at the time I was already going out with her son. Well I pretty much packed my stuff and moved out of home. Actually there was very little said about it. My parents just sat and watched me carry my stuff out of the house. I was a senior at this time, and knew I was going to fail anyway from my inability to pass basic math, because of my dyslexia. It was easy to wake up in Ed's arms and complain about not wanting to get up. He would snuggle me and say don't then. He enabled me to be a quitter. I know that's not fair, but he was just so easy going and he would pretty much do anything to make me happy. I do not think that's what I needed, but that's what he gave. He was on disability so I got a job and he stayed home. Our first year we had lots of arguments usually because I couldn't articulate what I wanted or needed from our relationship. I'd get mad and jump the wall behind our apartment knowing it would take him twenty minutes to push to wear I was. I found out about job corp and signed up to go to Kentucky. I'd learn a skill, and get my GED at the same time. Sounded good to me. The job skill they had promised me was fire fighting I found out after I got there they'd tell you anything to get you there. Guess they got commission or something. I ended up taking auto mechanics. Only problem was the vehicles at the camp were all old fords that were basically easy to fix and really didn't train you in any way shape or from to deal with working in today's garages. All the people there were mainly people who had a choice jail or job corp so was a good crowd. Mean time Ed called me all the time, and he was very whiny wanted me to come home, missed me, couldn't go out and do anything. He was disabled and had pretty much always had friends or family around to help him out. I was angry he was putting pressure on me to come home when I was trying to better my life. I'd stopped writing my poems because I really trusted his opinion and he just couldn't understand my dark statements, and so I felt he didn't like them. He thought they were weird, strange, and disturbing so I didn't even have that to keep me sane. Well there was nothing to do but sneak out into the mountains with guys, so that is what we did. The guy I used for companionship was nicknamed preacher. He was great always cheerful, and always helping others out. He was training to be a cook, but same thing there all they cooked was the slop we ate so wasn't really training. Well after I found out I was pregnant I didn't know what to do. I knew my parent's would not even take me back knowing the father was black. I was tired of job corp I had my GED and wanted to go home. They didn't want to let me go. Ed fought to make them let me come home. There medical faculties sucked, and there was no counseling. Though they had flown me out, job corp made me take a bus back home. Ed pretty much did anything I asked when I got back home. He ran my bath for me, made me food, whatever I asked. He didn't want to loose me. The father actually came down once without warning. He called from the bus station. Ed was very upset and didn't want me to go meet him so we just had a phone conversation. He asked if I'd give the baby his last name, I asked if he was going to pay child support. The answer was he had no money and no job. He had left job corp without his GED or the job training program completed. That was the last I ever heard from him. He even accused me of lying about being pregnant. Ed thought this was for the best. He couldn't have children and this was his daughter that's all there was to it. Well soon as Katie was born I went back to work fairly quickly. I worked at a pet store in the mall, and a lot of times Ed would go with me and just push her around in a stroller bringing her to me when she was hungry. I would breast feed her in the back. We knew early on there was problems with her. She had bad skin rashes, were the skin was actually open and raw. We fought for months to get her diagnosed. We were told baby bumps to aids, but no one had answers or remedy's. She was finally diagnosed by a skin doctor. Hystiocytosis X was the answer we were looking for but didn't want. She needed chemo. Within a week we were traveling to Tampa to a cancer hospital. Her first stay was three weeks. After that it was probably one to two weeks every month we were headed up there, so of course we moved up there. Our daughter took all our concentration fighting doctors, and family members who thought they knew best. Just because we were medicaid we must be poor white trash is what we saw in there manner and eyes. It was a constant battle. Master finally went to work, because we just couldn't afford everything anymore. I got a security license and started working nights. I worked all night so I could be at the hospital and dealing with Katie all day. I would work all night come home take Ed to work, take Katie to medicaid preschool and try to get a few hours sleep before doing it all again. I did this for years, and was always cranky and tired. I'm sure I wasn't pleasant to be around. After she finally started getting better at around five years of age she stopped needing chemo. Ed found he could transfer to Orlando for work and we thought that would be better. Move closer to my family. His family had followed us to Tampa and even lived with us for a while. Well we didn't' realize how hard it would be to find a place to live. They gave us a temporary apartment, but we applied everywhere and got approved no where. Our credit was shot. We ended up moving back to my parents house that I had fought so hard to leave. Ed finally agreed to marry me. We went to the court house on Valentines day and got hitched at last after years of living in sin. I do not even know why we did it. We told no one only one there was our daughter. I never changed my name. During this time Ed had a major leg infection and they amputated one leg. He asked to have the other done to make it easier to get around. He was giving Oxycontin to control pain, and that's where I think our life really went hey wire were we are concerned. I believe he got addicted. He started sleeping all day, and did nothing basically. That's when I started spending a lot of time online. We hardly touched each other or spent time with each other. He had has TV programs and his computer and I had mine. We were basically strangers living in same house. I got involved online with several that I was very close too. My friends were all online. The guys I met made me feel special and loved which I wasn't getting at home. One actually had come from Florida and he moved back down. Yes I left and went and saw him several times staying for a few days at a time when work allowed. Ed was devastate I don't think till then he knew there was a problem. John the guy started pestering me about moving in with him, and bringing Katie. I really hate to say I was just using him for the closeness I was missing at home. I didn't want to move in with him, and sure wasn't bringing Katie into that so that ended that relationship. We still talk and he still flirts and tells me how much he misses me and wants to be with me. All online of course. I think he'd flirt no matter who he was with. That was on of the major issues I had with him. Well this made my relationship with Ed worse. I started spending even more time online in chat rooms looking for I don't know what. That's where I met someone that introduced me to BDSM now that I know more I know he was a user and knew nothing of true submission, but I knew nothing then. I started looking up stuff and learning and I was hooked. He didn't last long as said he was just a user and quickly moved on, while I searched for true submission. Someone that would take me and make me there's. I probably made every mistake out there that they warn new subbies about. I went and spent a week with a poly couple. I wasn't attractive enough for them. After I came back Ed finally talked to me, and said look if this is what you want then I'm your Master. That's it. So we have been working on it ever since. Our love life is vastly improved though sometimes I still feel neglected and act bratty to get attention. I do think he could learn more, and a mentor would greatly help, but Master is very jealous and now that he has his girl back he doesn't wish to share her with anyone. I still go online and play but it is for fun not for the attention I was seeking as much. there are times I still get depressed and just need someone to be there for me, and do have certain friends I go to for that. I still think we have a long way to go, but we've come a long way and am sure we will get there.
Friday, June 22, 2007
No kid today..yea. She went to gran ma's house for the night. Well for last two days have stuck with my swimming first thing every morning. Still not easy to jump in that water though. The caffeine and eating healthy is harder though. Had the house to ourselves and started to play when my niece showed up of course. No play sigh. We went to a late movie which isn't something we do often. Usually if we see a movie its in the afternoon when it's cheaper. We went and saw the story of the first journalist that was beheaded. It was long and boring and had all old people watching it. I kept getting in trouble for bouncing in my seat. They shouldn't have seats that rock if they don't want you to rock.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Well banned again from chat, because of my blog last night. Least I owned up, and admitted my mistake and took steps to rectify it. Have had an attitude all day today as well, not sure why. Just one of those days not enough sleep, out all day. first off I do not like being ordered to do anything in front of our daughter, and will rebel if that is done. I obey because I wish to. I gave you that power over me, and if its not done respectively will stop obeying just as quick. I said from the beginning in almost all BDSM relationships the child is kept in the dark. That is not happening here, and I don't like that one bit. If I tell her I obey cause it's my choice you should back me up, not tear me down. Slapping my ass or making suggestive movements upsets her and should not be done. I do not mind playing around, but at times I think it goes to far when she is around. Am probably going to get in more trouble for this blog as well, but how will we know what's going on if we don't talk and discuss things. for you to sit there and say you have complete and total control over me in front of our daughter I believe is wrong, and yes was upset and that was half of my attitude. I do sincerely apologize for the attitude, but not for saying what caused the attitude. Yes I gave you that power over me, but told you from the beginning I was going to try to make this work. I believe I am trying and I also believe it's working so far. There are some things that still get me upset like your point blank refusal to discuss or meet me halfway on some things I'm passionate about. Yes I'm bi I'm willing to admit that now. Now it's something I do want to explore, and I know your not happy about that. I've always liked females and just never did anything about it, because of society constraints and the fact I never met anyone to explore with kept me from doing so. Now it's something I do want to explore, and I know your not happy about that.I probably would have been what one would call boi or what you would call butch if I had explored this side when younger. Now I'm embracing my feminine side and trying to act and dress appropriately. Something that is not easy for me as it's something I've never done or worried about before. I'm trying to be patient and wait for you to be ready for things, but as you've admitted yourself your a first class procrastinator and it might never happen if I don't remind and push a bit. Just because I may label myself as slave and give you total control over me doesn't mean that you can't listen to me and weigh my wants and needs as well. As my Dom, Master, and owner I have to trust you to have my best interest at heart and to know what's best for me. OK for now going to drop this line of thought and move on....
OK there are some things I'd truly like to work on for the summer. I want more things to be under control then are now. I want a schedule and hopefully the power to stick to which I lack greatly.
1. I wish to swim laps each morning, as I do not walk anymore or do anything else for exercise. Not going to be an easy tasks just looking at that cold water makes me shiver.
2. I want to get down to a cleaning routine to help keep things neater and in order. This was easy when I did home health, but not so easy to do in your own home. I would like to get my bathroom cleaned and then have one day a week I clean it completely again so it never gets trashed. Same thing for other area's of house. A cleaning schedule..hm mm maybe one day...
3. I want to give up all caffeine. Hard as hell for me..have no willpower in that regard. Two days of no sweet tea or Dr. pepper and I get major headaches.
4. Drink more water
5. take a class of something fun with my daughter. Something that will get her off her butt and moving. Dancing, yoga, gym, I don't know just something we can do to gather.
6. Teach daughter how to drive.
7. Eat healthier.
8. find something else to do as a family besides the mall and movies all the time.
9. Find another job.
10. Learn to discuss things that bother me with other's.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
This one owes her Master a huge apology. She was playing in chat and let another Dom bite her. It was just cyber playing and only biting, but it made this one feel wrong. This is why this one wanted someone that was in chat a lot with her to keep her out of trouble. This one is overly friendly and likes to play, but truly never means to give anyone the wrong idea. She is happily owned, and collared and only wishes friendly play. This one is only allowed to play with subs though and only female subs at that. My humblest apologies to you Master, and my promise that will try to never let it happen again. Forgive me please Master. This one has disgraced you by her actions and will not forgive herself for that. Humbly prostrated before you bound in your love chained by your will...
Master Ed's dark angel
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Well after my bath this morning me and Master had some fun. He bit, sucked, and licked till this one didn't know if she was coming or going. Was good to play as we have really been to tired to do much of it lately. Had the baby again all day today. Think my niece is playing me for a fool and am not to happy about it. I do not think she is working, and she keeps giving me excuses about paying me. I've about had it. I'm cranky, tired, and need a nap.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Had to go to Orlando today to do some errands. It's about an hour away from us. We had fun just driving slowly and looking around. On way back we stopped at Smokey Bones for lunch, then went to mall and walked around for a while. Stopped at huge mega comic shop on way home, and browsed there for a while. I kept wanting to stop and try something at fast food places. Like to try new places, but after third time and I barely touched what I asked for Master banned me from any eating out for a few days...lol. Told me I'd wasted enough food for a week. They need little trial packs of pies, cakes, and sandwiches for people like me that just like to nibble on different things. On way back we were on a slow pretty deserted road. Master made me lift my shirt and bra and drive that way. With our tinted windows and as short is I am I doubt anyone saw anything even when passing, but it was really getting to me. Master also played and twisted them getting me all hot and bothered while I was trying to drive. He unzipped my pants so he could feel how wet he was making me. When we got back into town I ran into a pet store for something and didn't realize till I came out that my pants were still unzipped. How very embarrassing. Specially as am not allowed to wear under where. Well don't know what went on at my house while we were gone all day. Two of my older kittens were limping and one of my youngest ones regretfully passed away. I do not know if my sister came over, and maybe the dogs came in and went nuts chasing them or what happened, but not to happy about it in any event. Can't even have a day out with just my family seems like. Well except for the cats was a really good day.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
It's been a pretty damn good day if do say so myself. Made french toast and extra bacon for Master and my father today for breakfast. Watched a movie with Master he went out with my nephew for a bit. Played on computer after he left till our teen drove me nuts. Made dinner and brownies. Pork chops smothered in cream of chicken soup oven cooked to perfection with french fries. Was yummy if do say so myself. Had two plate fulls. Meant to go walking tonight to get rid of some of that excess weight but started playing in room so didn't. Was a pretty good albeit boring day. Master did grab my hair several times and make me kneel and kiss him. :)
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Well the blog yesterday did get me in trouble. For now things will remain the same cause that's how Master wishes it. Last night he made me wear my choker to bed and he kept the leash. Also had one hand in soft cuff attached to the bed. Was plenty of room to move around luckily. Started out with both wrists cuffed but he let me have one back. Close to three am had to ask permission to use bathroom, he let me take off all at that time so could sleep better. Had a picnic to go to today. Was hot and the food sucked. The great niece enjoyed it. She got in the bounce house and wouldn't come out. Then we went to see rise of the silver surfer. Great movie. Then took Master home and me and my daughter went to meet a friend of mine for a girls night out. We went down the port and had hamburgers while me and my gf had a beer. It was a long day and am more then ready for bed tonight..wishing everyone well.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Yes haven't wrote in days again. Just haven't felt like writing much at all. Have started two stories and haven't finished either. I'd like to say just busy and stuff, but truly think not doing my blog is one of the ways I rebel when upset. Master knows I want an online Mistress, but he says no. Says I'd ignore him more then, and stay on computer longer. That's not true in the least. Having someone else in charge I'd be less likely to get in trouble, because I'd very likely get in trouble through both instead of just one. Don't know why we can't give it a trail run even, and I'll probably get in trouble for even writing about it here. Just don't care. I don't feel comfortable talking to Master face to face, because he gets angry easily and dismisses most of what I say without researching or truly thinking about the benefits to me. I'm really trying here, and just wish he would as well. OK that was very unfair I know he is trying, I'm a bit angry and haven't had an outlet for it. I should be able to fully talk about things, and yet still have problems doing so. OK I'm going to hush for I get in real trouble, and crawl back into my hole....
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Ah yes skipped a day again. Played this morning and it was wonderful. I should have wrote a story right after, but had to go out with my mother all day. He bit and played with this girl till she was senseless then spanked her ass good with the kendo sticks. Had a shower after sending little sparks of flames down welts. Really enjoyed it and hope we repeat it soon. Have been watching the baby for last two days so that's been most of my days actually. haven't done much else. Just thinking and plotting...
Sunday, June 10, 2007
A stray kitten was crying at the door this morning. He ran and hid under my car. After about thirty minutes snagged his fur and brought him in. Poor little waif was starved, but now have another one to find a home for. Hopefully soon have way to many cats. She was a cute little grey striped bugger. Master let me get on chat for a bit today. Yea..damn I missed it. Other then that don't have much to add.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Well to start off finally had some play time last night, and it was incredible. Have missed the closeness very much. Not to mention the exercise without having to walk.(Wink) Only down size was got in trouble again. This one feels like she is getting in trouble a lot for being honest, and not sure that's a good thing or not. As everyone knows this girl spends a lot of time in MDS
chat, and has some really close friends there. One in particular this girl cares very much for, and talks to whenever time permits. Well playing around in there yesterday this girl put herself down which is a bad habit and something she does quiet often. This person asked girl if she'd mind writing ten things she liked about herself. Well this girl did not mind as she knows her Master doesn't like her to talk bad about herself either, so she did as asked. It was actually a hard assignment so one can assume not something this girl had thought about often. Afterwards this girl felt better about herself and was grateful for the correction, problem is Master doesn't like this girl doing anything for anyone but him. At least as far is correction goes. He says its his job, and his job only to correct this girl and help her grow. Now can't chat this whole weekend to anyone. This one can see his point, but wishes he could see this girls as well. He doesn't always have time for this girl, and sometimes this girl wishes he'd let her have someone online to get instructions and help from. This particular assignment helped this girl once again remember her place as Masters property, and that she reflected him. He should be happy about that. This person that gave the assignment respects Master very much, and her first words reflected that. She told this girl that she knew Master would be disappointed to hear his girl speak badly of herself, and that she thought maybe if this girl wrote ten things she liked about herself it would make her think harder before doing so again. I'd rather do an assignment then have her tell on me to Master, and face his punishment which is usually the whip. Master thankfully didn't use the whip last night, instead he made this girl hold her hands together and be still. That was even harder then taking a whipping but not as painful at least. This girl of course couldn't stay still that long, so had to get on knees with hands laced behind head and stay that way for five minutes. Afterwards he held this girl, and explained his reasoning for his rules. She is very grateful to him, but still does not agree in this situation though she accepts his word is law and will obey. Going to take the kids to the movies today so not chatting today shouldn't be that hard, but it will be. Am used to spending an hour or two before bed with my friends, and will miss that time greatly. Tomorrow will probably stay home all day and that will be much harder to take. Maybe will get my friend Pam's tags done she asked for, and a few stories written that I've been thinking about. Ah yes have new kittens born yesterday morn as well. Six of them. Two are a gorgeous long haired black and white. The other four are yellow and white like all of the last few batches have been lately unfortunately. One is only yellow on his head and tail though, and the rest is a long haired white. Peace out to all.....
Friday, June 8, 2007
This girl is bouncing like mad today. Some reason Master was in a mood all day. He bit, pinched, poked, and prodded this girl every time she walked by. This girl feels well loved and happy today, because of that. That's all this one ever wanted was a bit of attention to keep her spirits lifted and keep her going. Plus got a blog assigned me in MdS for putting myself down. Had to write ten things I liked about myself. That shouldn't be to hard, but it was. This one accepts herself, but has always been harder on herself then others would be. She never feels what she does is good enough or can't be improved upon. She is very lucky to have such wonderful friends that care for her and won't put up with her nonsense. So thank you all of you out there. Submissively, Master Ed's dark angel
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Was very upset last night, but am very glad waited to blog when much calmer. We finally played after weeks of not playing last night, and this girl felt very much Master was just playing with her to soothe her and not because he was truly into it.Almost like he was throwing his dog a bone. This girl didn't get satisfaction because of her feelings and cried herself to sleep without Master being aware. Now this girl should be grateful Master is willing to do that for her even if he's not in mood, but instead she was a whiny little bitch about it. Am very sorry for the attitude, and for making Master feel he has to cater to this girl. This one knows it's not about herself it's about Master, but can't help her actions at times. It's like her brain just doesn't function right, and it's all me, me,me when it should be about him and service. Maybe this one is a horrible slave and should be sent away to be properly trained. Am tired of getting in trouble because can't keep attitude in check where Master is concerned. When tired or stressed even less likely to listen and obey like I should. I'd really like to go visit my friend for a week and help her out while her ankle is sore, but know he won't let me so don't even feel like asking. I feel like I'm walking backwards instead of forwards lately and nothing is getting done that should be done. I'm so tired and exhausted tonight am glad it's almost bed time. All I want is to grow and learn in the lifestyle but sometimes don't feel me and Master are on the same page. I do wish we could have a mentor to help us grow and learn, but do not think Master would allow that either. OK am vanishing before get in more trouble for not clearly thinking about what this one is writing at this time. Have a happy Thursday.
Master Ed's dark angel
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
OK had this blog almost done, and someone went behind bar and unplugged the computer on accident. This one is sorry if she said anything bad about Master in her last weeks Worth of blogs. Never meant to say anything bad. This one is sorely confused at this time. Her place is unsure, and she is questioning things that shouldn't be questioned. Master knows this girl's desire to play with others, but he has choosing not to discuss this at all. It isn't a necessity and if Master says no that's fine. Just wish we could talk about it sometimes, and hear his reason. Understanding is the key to all, and sometimes this one just doesn't understand Master. It's not is if Master isn't all this girl wants or needs, because he is. This girl couldn't explain her thoughts or needs, as she still doesn't fully understand them herself. This one feels Master is confused and dismayed about this one's attraction to females, but this one has always had that be a part of her and has suppressed it for years. Now that it's out this girl truly wishes to explore that part of her. It doesn't mean she cares less for Master or is going to change in any way. You know what this girl doesn't think she aught to right so late when she is tired and confused herself. This one is going through amazing changes she doesn't understand so can't expect Master to understand or accept. This one wants rings in places that she's never even thought about wanting piercings before. This one wants to feel the steel collar, and leash. If this one can't understand her own needs and wants then how is he expected to understand and accept them? Ah damn life just isn't a bowl of cherries at this time.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Last night finally off monthly really wanted to play, but Master came to bed so late was pretty much asleep by then. Would have gladly woken up to play, but he didn't even touch me. Didn't wear underwear even hoping, but ah well. Guess the game was more important. OK know I'm not being fair, but I was hurt. He hasn't touched me in so long in a sexual way even though it's only been a few weeks it feels like forever. Don't know why always need proof of his attraction and dedication to me, but I do..sigh. Ah well don't know what's going on anymore. Have a short time to get some important stuff done, and we are probably loosing his niece and nephew to there father's so there is a lot of stress. It's understandable but it's hard not hugging or talking. We did so much of it for a while then it just seems to go away, and once again we each do our own thing. Spend very little time together, and Master always seems to be in a bad mood. Sighsss and goes to mds chat to play a bit....
Monday, June 4, 2007
OK lets see two days of no posting what's been going on....well his nephew's father might decide to take him. We are not sure yet or not what's going to happen, but he is coming down to see the boy. He hasn't been in his life at all though he does pay child support so he has the law on his side. Not sure how I feel about that yet or not. His sister will be devastated she really wants them to stay together. I've been getting in trouble a lot for attitude. Have got a few strokes of the whip almost every night. Think once again as I've said before when vanilla life gets in the way easy to forget my place. Master has been subtly reminding me when I'm bad, and lots of hair pulling..lol. Today should be my last day of my monthly, so maybe can play a bit tonight. After a few weeks of no play almost always afraid to start up again for some reason. Plus think I've been putting this off just to push things again. Don't know why I do that. Master does read it but not every day. He still isn't leaving comments to let me know what he read, though if he's unhappy he lets me know that. Truly i don't know what I want or need anymore. Am feeling a bit lost and depressed right now, and no clue why. Maybe some rough play will take care of that. I'm just not sure anymore. Accidentally wrote my father a note I thought I'd sent to Master...lol. Luckily didn't say anything bad just asked if we should bring the old bat to my father's work picnic or not. Was a bit shocked when my father wrote back saying what old bat? Didn't make it to the munch this month. Wanted too but didn't really feel good that night so just stayed home and chilled. Sounded like we missed a great meeting too. Well hopefully won't miss any more. Do love to go. OK finally caught up for now...huggsssssss to all.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Had a great time at Sea World last night. The Polynesian dinner was lovely. got some wonderful pictures. Of course this girl had cam so none of me... lol. Am exhausted today. Didn't get in bed till almost midnight last night, and didn't sleep well because of stomach cramps. Got up late and had to make copies of the pics for people that took a bit of time. Last day of school so the teen is ecstatic. We went out to lunch and spent a while in the toy store and book store that was fun. Had a Shirley temple with lunch. Yes am a big kid and still drink that sickly sweet stuff. Have the munch tomorrow night hope it's fun, could use a little fun. Though running around like mad to ride rides last night with the teens was pretty fun. Huggssssssss to all.