Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Its my Birthday.....damn I'm old

Another year has come and gone. I really can't say if its better then the last or not really. Hoping this upcoming year will be much better. Have come a long way, but still have a long way to go. Right now just having a hard time because still haven't had any jobs call me back. Need to get some more applications out. My family wants me to come home and go back to school, and if not able to get a job I'm thinking should consider this. I'm just so confused at times its not funny. Ah well life beckons..be well all.

Sunday, January 6, 2008


I've been a manic depressive for more years then I care to recall. Anything sets me off. Perceived slights that aren't there, thinking people don't like me, or just having an off day. Then I get depressed, and sulk sinking inside myself so the problem gets worse not better. I learned a long time ago to wear a mask so no one knows my inner self. I felt protected that way. To let others really know your heart and desires is to open yourself up to pain and heartbreak. At last that is what I always believed. I'm trying to change my way of thinking, but its not easy. I know I deserve happiness, and should be proud of who I am damn anyone who thinks otherwise. Yet still maintaining eye contact, or speaking up when I want to is not coming easily to me. I create issues that aren't even there, because I'm insecure and needy, and I don't want to be like this anymore. Why does it matter if someone says hey look at all you did today..good girl? I should be able to say that to myself and be proud without needing others affirmation of my actions. I can write this, and see this to be true but putting words to action is another thing entirely Having skin problems all my life, and asthma, and hearing problems have not helped my self esteem any at all. If I don't like to look at myself in the mirror why would anyone else want to look at me? Hell I can't even give a good blow job without having to stop to take a breath, and it pisses me off. Now I've been searching for a job for two months and haven't got one call back. This is not helping me at all. I've never had a problem finding a job at least, so what is the problem now? I see signs everywhere now hiring, yet I apply and nothing. On top of everything else I know my husband and daughter truly want me to come back home, and he is trying hard to change at last. They were changes that should have been made a very long time ago, but he is trying. Thing is once again do I deserve the happiness I have found where I'm at? Don't I at almost 36 years old believe I'm capable of my own decisions and making my own life at last? I choose to be where I'm at, and am finding peace for myself here. I do not want to go back to the life I had before. I was always at the beck and call of others there, and got no acknowledgments for anything I did. From morning to night I was doing for everyone, but myself and was stretched very thin. I was always worried about hurting someones feelings so never said no to anything, even if it got to be too much and I couldn't handle it. OK there's my rant for the day. Please ignore sometimes you just have to rant to move on...

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Sorry for long absence

Yes I know haven't posted here in forever. I just am not sure what's Ok to post and what's not anymore. I do not want anyone upset over something I've posted. The transition of moving and getting used to a new household hasn't been easy, but things are settling into a routine. I am still unable to find a job even though I've applied to over fifteen different places and it bothers me. Maybe if I was working all day little things at home wouldn't bother me so much, as they do at times now. My husband still wants me to come home, and his promises sound good, but I truly want the relationship I'm in now to work. I still have sever trust issues with him, and they are not going to be solved in a few weeks or even months. I miss my daughter horribly and don't spend nearly enough time with her. Till I get my own computer online, by the time she gets on there are others wanting to use this computer since it's a family computer so I don't get to talk to her often. I don't have a cell phone so can't call her, and my mother is a royal pain and won't let her use her cell phone to call me. Hopefully she will get a cell phone soon so we can talk more often. Online is good but she does fifty other things and conversations take forever. I like having a routine and knowing what's expected of me day after day. It makes things so much less complicated. Ok I'm off just wanted to write here, as haven't in so long and I miss it...