Saturday, September 19, 2009
I have talked before about how far I've come. I thought I was pretty much vanilla with the BDSM being more a bedroom kink then anything else. Yet every time I meet a Dominant personality I just melt to the floor in a puddle. Even as I fight control, I crave it. I want someone who will make me obey. I want someone who's going to be in control. I can't fight my own urges. I love being with someone Dominant. I crave the power play. I need someone in charge. Why this is? How should I know? I am not going to psychoanalyze myself. I just know it feels right, and excites me. I like to live on the edge a bit. I like to be on all fours as someones foot stool. I like to be marked as property. To someone who is not into our lifestyle they would never understand. For myself I want to keep exploring and trying new things every day. I want to break the barriers of sexual taboo, and do things others would consider improper. I want to be owned, and cared for. I've tried to deny myself and my cravings. I have went away looking for what I want and need, becouse I found only misery and heartache that route. I'm hoping that I have finely found that Dominant personality I need in my life, as well is a partner for life. I have no clue what the future will hold but I am certainly hoping it will be better then the past.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I just am feeling so lost still. How do I find myself? How does anyone? I have been suffering horrible migraines lately which has not helped. Not sure if its stress or heat induced. I feel like I never get enough sleep anymore. Since I have pretty much giving up the lifestyle except for the bit of play I do every month with my friends in Orlando I've been confused and not sure what to do with myself. I need a job. That would go a long way toward my self esteem issues and being able to support myself a bit. Plus Christmas is coming up again which sucks when I have no money to buy Katie anything. Stress sucks...