Friday, November 30, 2007


I realize I've pretty much stopped posting here and my apologies for that. Serving 24/7 and sharing the computer between quiet a few people I do not have the time online that I used too. Plus I've actually started a note book journal. Things are actually going great and I'm pretty happy. Was very sick for the first few weeks here which sucked. First when I came I had a horrible cold, then I got thrush in the mouth. Guess all the stress and stuff just really got to me. Now I'm finally starting to feel better, and of course I start my monthly. Things are just conspiring against me lately. Plus the mouth infection caused the inside of my lips to chap and peel horribly so have been in pain for two days from that. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ignoring signs I shouldn't be, but I love it here. I shouldn't even be on my monthly yet since I just got over it a few weeks ago right before coming. I figure the infection just wrecked havoc on my whole system. Only one thing has really bothered me, and that mainly stems from my own lack of self confidence I believe. I can't share that though because we have a rule that family stuff stays inside the family only. It is a good policy I'm just not used to opening up and sharing when something bothers me yet. Hopefully my outlook will improve when I get a job and start contributing a bit more. Ed seems to be doing well though I know he'd really like me to come home. Katie is doing great in school, but I do miss her horribly. I haven't been able to call and talk to her since the house where she is at doesn't allow long distance calls through for some reason. Keeps saying this number isn't available even when I know it is. Huggssssssss to all....


Monday, November 19, 2007

hmmm what what....

OK Ed wrote me a letter here and I wish to share it.

What do I say to you that I haven’t said before and it seem the truth. I can say this. I can say that. I have said lots and lots and lots and meant it at that point but to fall back into the same rut over and over again. I am not going to say I cant live without you. I am not going to try a guilt trip. I am not going to try to use Katie as an excuse to get you to come back. I am going to stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for what I did and made you do. Thank you for the kick in the ass. I needed it.
I read this on the internet and it talked to me. Life itself is a misery and nobody can tell what can be of it. Those that can tell what can be of it are those who cannot tell us because they are far from us (dead). Over the last week or so I have had a lot of time to think. I know now what I did and am going to correct it. I took advantage of you daily. I expected you to get Katie up, take her and pick her up from school, cook dinner, laundry, clean and keep up with Katie. A marriage was well as a D/S is a give and take. And all I did was take and take. I took months and in some cases years to take care of issues that should have never become an issue. I was more worried about pleasing with gifts and other things than bills and a place to live. I listened to you but didn’t listen. I went into this lifestyle only 50% percent. I took the good but didn’t want to do the leg work when things were bad. I stated things and then let them go. I set down rules and I didn’t follow the rules. I sit up punishments and didn’t do the punishing. We went to parties and just sat and watched. The excitement in your eyes when watching was like a 6 year old at Christmas and I just sit there and didn’t do anything about it.
Well things have changed and are changing. I am learning and going to learn the rest of my life. I know understand there is issues with me that I cannot control and have to ask others for help. I want to learn. I want to experience. But I want to do these things with you. It took you leaving a SECOND time. You were willing to give up your life and your child to better yourself when I should have been bettering both of us. And that will not happen again. It shouldn’t take a kick in the ass to show the love I have for you. It shouldn’t take you telling me in a blog that I took everything from you and didn’t show you much.
I wish I could say right now for you to come home. But I will not do that. You need to have your break and enjoy life for a little. But when I am ready I am coming to take you back. I am coming to re-claim what is mine and shouldn’t have never lost in the first place. To show you I am the person you know I can be. To be the person you saw all the time and just wanted me to be.
Have fun. Go to clubs. Experience life for a change. We have been together since 1989 and you didn’t have a chance to explore life to the fullest. But remember when we do re-join life will be different. Life will be fun. You will not be a sad and lonely person. I shouldn’t have brought you to this point. And friends will remain friend and I look forward to having a wonderful, beautiful exciting life together. I will not keep you from people anymore. After you come back down if you want to go visit. You will visit. We can remain part of Bear’s family. I truly liked the both of them and the friends we met while up there. I am doing a new website and will eventually give the address to you once I get it to where I want it.
I love you. I miss you. Have fun. We will see each other in a short time

I'm not even sure how to respond to this. Truthfully the trust in that relationship is gone for me. I am not sure if it can be won back. Am pretty sure I do not want to try agian. Here I feel safe and secure. I know I will always be cared for. That is not a feeling I've had before and I like it. We discuss everything is a family. No arbitrary decisions are made, which is also something I was not used too. I used to discuss things, but never got anywhere with that. Plus the lifestyle really had nothing to do with our breakup. In fact it might have made me stay longer then I otherwise would have. I love the lifestyle, and not going to give it up at this point, but I have to have a partner I can trust. Unfortunily its just not my husband. Even little things I ask him just at times seems to much. Case in point I asked him to send a resignation letter from me to Pauline for our boards munch. Didn't get done. His answer to that was to tell Pauline I had quit like she didn't already know that, and now she is still bugging me about it. Its a small simple thing, but just a hint of what I deal with daily when asking him to do anything. I do not believe anything will change. Have been there way to many times before. Plus he truly doesn't get the lifestyle relationship. It's not about him being Dom and bossing me around. Its about trust, honor, and integrity. If he says something he has to mean it not just say it to appease people. Ok there's my rant for the well.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Time to move on

It was a very hard decision, but I finaly left. I am now in Goargia with my Master and Mistress. I feel very lucky to have found such loving caring people who wanted me. I do miss my family terribly, but I do not miss the incredible sadness that was part of each and every day. The pain and heartache I knew all the time. It is such a relieve to wake up to a house full of people that I love and I know love me. I have begun a new chapter in my life one I look forward to with happiness and joy. I do miss my daughter horribly but the way I was feeling I was doing her no good. I was not happy which didn't make me a very happy person to be around. I have goals in mind to accomplish and I think my Master and Mistress might have a few for me as well. With help I feel that I can accomplish anything and hopefully will find that to be true. I do not have the terrible self doubt like I always had before. I have found the power of touch to be such a wonderfull thing. I've always been a touchy feely person in a family of non touchers. To be able to hold hands, rub someones back, sit on the floor and just rub and touch someones foot and ankle feels so great. Here that touch is welcomed not rebuffed all the time. I am in heaven. Amazing what such a simple thing changes inside yourself. Being able to touch and hug whenever and wherever I feel is just such a freeing experiance. I hope everyone enjoys it like I now do and was unable to before. Will write more as time goes on....

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

scared and lonely

We chose how we spend our time, and myself I believe we should spend more time with the one's we love rather then doing other things. I sometimes feel so lonely even in a houseful of people. Everyone is always in different rooms. Even bedtime is the same. We all go at different times, and once we are there there is very seldom any cuddling or talking. The wounding each other is the worse. Slinging words like weapons of mass destruction aimed to cause the most harm and hurt. I'm just so tired of it all. All I ever wanted was a house, a little money in the bank for emergency's, and to feel loved always. I wish I could say I even had two out of those three things, but I can't. Accusations being flung like cannons have ripped me apart, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be whole again. All I want is to do what I feel is best and right for me for a change, yet do I really matter? Some think not. Are they right? I can not answer all I know is I have to try for my own sake. I have to go for happiness for once. If it doesn't work out I know that I'll never have the courage to spread my wings and try again...