Sunday, October 28, 2007
Once again we are at this point. I know you have seen the distance that has grown between us. There is a rift that is always there, but at times its a chasm that can't be crossed at all. That is were we are right now. I promised you a year when I came back last years. That year is almost up, and to me we are at the same place we were then. I have tried not to seek love from others, but sometimes I am so lonely and bored I can't help but reach out. As long as we've been together I do not truly think either of us were ever truly happy with the other. As much is it pains me to hurt you I think at some point in our lives we have to say enough is enough. I do not want to hurt you by my actions anymore, and I'm sure you do not wish to hurt me anymore either. I truly think we need to go our separate ways at last, and hopefully remain friends. Truly I do not think it matters where I go though to you I know it will. I have had so many over the last year offer me a place to stay till I get on my feet. Not as a sub, but as a friend. Katie even knows how much I hurt at times we have discussed it. She has said time and again she wants to stay with you. She thinks you would not be able to survive without her. Plus she loves her school and has no wish to move. I truly think we need to start making the arrangements necessary to end the pain and heartache for both of us. You can not keep ignoring my posts if they don't please you. Not once but several times I told you that the BDSM relationship wasn't work out between us. Yet you would not let it drop, becouse you liked having some control over our relationship at last. I think its telling even my dog tag is starting to rust. I could say so many reasons why that relationship didn't work same as our vanilla relationship, but I just want to say a friendly goodbye work things out and leave on good terms. I've stayed so long not only for Katie, but becouse I was afraid for you if I left. Now I have to just say your responsible for your own actions and hope for Katie's sake that to be true. No one has coerced me away this has been a long time coming. I would like to take the car least till I get a job and can afford another. If you do not wish to depend on your mother though I will understand and make do. Katie will love the new computer if you go get it next month. It would be a great Christmas gift for her. Truly I would like to start divorce before I leave, but if you are not ready for that I won't push it. I hate to say that I regret ever marrying. So many times I've looked at it as one of my biggest mistakes, and I'm so sorry for that. I'm not saying we didn't have a good life, and lots good in it. All I'm saying is for me most times the pain outweighed the happiness. You and Katie have always been a unit. You like the same things and get along so well together. I was always the one left out. The third wheel that was just dragged along behind you two. Truthfully I probably would have been gone long ago. I've always been afraid to be on my own, and thought I needed someone. I still feel that way, but its time to discover myself and try. I am so hidden, and keep so much inside till I explode. I do not want to be like that anymore. I tried honesty with you when I started this blog, and got in trouble several times for saying what was on my mind. Thats when I stopped writing here every day. Even when I told you how much something meant to me your own feelings mattered more. OK enough here. I said wasn't going to say anything, and I'm not. I did plenty wrong myself, and hurt you more times then I care to count. As said its just time for all the pain to end......
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Well at last we had decided enough was enough. We were getting out of Florida come hell or high water. We really needed the break. Since my so called friend BT made excuses as to why we couldn't visit her we headed to Georgia to visit my friends Bear and Lady Ursa instead. They have been friends since I've joined MDS almost a year ago. When life got hectic and none of us could be on like we used too I truly missed seeing them in chat. We truly couldn't afford the break, but just decided to go anyway. We'd eat as cheaply is possible. Basically to me most of the trip was a waste. We went to malls and just drove around. Traffic was hectic, and I really dislike seven lane highways. We met Bear and Lady Ursa Saturday night. They took us to one of the clubs they hang out in. They were having a reaffirmation collaring ceremony. I met some of there other family members, and truly felt welcomed. I did cling a bit to Lady Ursa's side. I just felt like I belonged there. When I wasn't following her around I was out running around in the gorgeous woods. My only regret is never found a tree with low enough branches to climb. After the ceremony people started breaking up into groups and playing in various areas around the dungeon. My husband took Lady Ursa aside and asked if she would scene with me. This was truly a surprise is I know how jealous he gets, and he had already warned me off being so affectionate. Truthfully taking off my clothes down to my underwear I should have been nervous, but being in the presence of Lady Ursa and Bear was very relaxing. Just having her hands on me was so soothing they could have done anything, and I probably wouldn't have noticed. Truly I would like to describe more and tell all the items that were used, but I do not know. I was so lost in sensations that had no clue when one flogger was switched for another or who's hands were where. When it did get to be a bit much Lady Ursa's good girl whispered in my ear made the pain just melt away and I glowed with happiness. I truly didn't even realize when it was over till she was helping me up and wrapping me in her cloak. Laying against her as she rubbed my back was pure heaven. Truly I wished could have been longer, and I could have spent more time with them B/both. Next day they met us for lunch before we left. Sitting outside with them just relaxing and enjoying the sunshine while my family walked through a mall was wonderful. We talked a bit and got to know one another better. Truthfully I felt more at home with them then I have in a long while, and was depressed to leave. Thinking of them on the trip home though made me smile every time. I can't wait to be back in there arms where I belong....
Monday, October 8, 2007
An online friend jumped on me today about calling my nephew boy instead of by his name. I do call him boy or the boy a lot when referring to him though his sister has always been called her giving name by me. I do not know why in my mind he is the boy. I'm trying real hard to do what's best for these kids, and me and husband doesn't always agree. Lately there is just so much stress that I'm starting to buckle under it. My friends keep telling me these kids aren't my responsibility that for once I should concentrate on myself and my needs. I finally thought I had everything worked out in my mind, but discovered that I really don't. Once again I'm feeling a bit lost and alone. No offense against my husband. He has been wonderful lately, but I think that like always it's a temporary change and soon we will once again be two strangers under same roof. I want to give him benefit of doubt, but I'm so burned out anymore. I'm depressed and feeling lost, and truly want to leave. I feel stuck here with all of these responsibilities. Is it far of me to take on these kids when I truly don't want them, and they drive me nuts? Husband still has things that absolutely drive me nuts. If I truly loved him would the little things make me so crazy? I jumped down my friends throat today online when she was just trying to help me. I mean really exploded and got angry, and I'm so seldom like that I scared myself. I'm trying to convince myself I do want these troubled kids, knowing I truly don't. They have so many problems and neither is easy to get along with. I feel horrible feeling this way, but can't change the way I feel about anything. I just do not feel equipped to handle them and all there problems. My need to not hurt anyone is just making things worse, becouse the only one getting hurt anymore is myself.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Tonight we had a guest speaker who's a psychiatrist for relationships. Was a real eye opener. Number one thing that caught my attention was the reason most people cheat is becouse they are missing intimacy in there life. He also said couples need to find time each day to connect with each other even in small ways. This is something I crave. Like the time at night Master watches his video before going to sleep. That is time we could cuddle and talk. Plus the honesty issue. I've tried to be honest and upfront and it hasn't worked. Like when I begged for an online Mistress and was shot down without recourse. That would have took care of some of my innate need for intimacy that isn't always fulfilled. I do not want to lie and cheat to get this need fulfilled. I do not want to leave and kill the marriage, but I hate feeling like that's the only way I will be happy. I hate being dishonest it kills me. I worry about hurting someone even though I try not to hurt anybody. It's been better, and we have had sex more often lately but for me it's not enough. I do not want to feel that way and I wish that wasn't the case. I almost never initiate sex anymore, becouse I'm so burned out from being turned down so many times. I just don't see why I could not have someone agreed to on the side with all the terms laid out before hand. I know maybe that's a lot to ask, but wouldn't it be better then no relationship anymore? I love sex, and having sex. The closeness and cuddling afterwards. I know it's not my husbands fault he can't have sex becouse of his disability but why do I have to feel so guilty for wanting someone to fill that void. Toys and hands just aren't the same and never will be. I do not want to be driving to cheat to fulfill this driving need inside me. I do not want to be forced to leave just so I can enjoy sex. I just don't know where to turn anymore or what to do? Honesty ha....just causes pain and more heartbreak.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
I'm so angry lately and no way to let it out. Tired of all the crap. Tired of lies, stealing, and fights. Your family is worse then a Jerry Springer special edition show, and instead of saying look I know your lying stop the bullshit you just let them keep on running over you. It makes me so angry I just want to scream and stomp my feet. No I have not been listening to you lately, or calling you Master. You want the accolades act like one. Put them damn losers in there place and stop letting them walk all over us. Tell Kiera her behavior is unacceptable and she needs to straighten it. Make Katie clean her room. Do something anything besides nothing....please. I get so angry also when we are around anyone in you give out so much information they don't need to know. It's a minor thing and shouldn't bug me but it does big time. Our life is none of other peoples business. I'm just angry. I want to scream and shout, instead we go on every day like nothings wrong the world is a perfectly happy place. It's not damn it. The world fucking sucks wake up and smell the cyanide. O yea it will get better. When? When money grows on trees and we can just pick it to make a home for these kids that don't even want us? I so just want to vanish and have one peaceful moment. I wish I was still a teen becouse I'd run away and never come home again. Sighs and wonders away to muddle through life some more.....