Monday, October 8, 2007

Things that make me explode....

An online friend jumped on me today about calling my nephew boy instead of by his name. I do call him boy or the boy a lot when referring to him though his sister has always been called her giving name by me. I do not know why in my mind he is the boy. I'm trying real hard to do what's best for these kids, and me and husband doesn't always agree. Lately there is just so much stress that I'm starting to buckle under it. My friends keep telling me these kids aren't my responsibility that for once I should concentrate on myself and my needs. I finally thought I had everything worked out in my mind, but discovered that I really don't. Once again I'm feeling a bit lost and alone. No offense against my husband. He has been wonderful lately, but I think that like always it's a temporary change and soon we will once again be two strangers under same roof. I want to give him benefit of doubt, but I'm so burned out anymore. I'm depressed and feeling lost, and truly want to leave. I feel stuck here with all of these responsibilities. Is it far of me to take on these kids when I truly don't want them, and they drive me nuts? Husband still has things that absolutely drive me nuts. If I truly loved him would the little things make me so crazy? I jumped down my friends throat today online when she was just trying to help me. I mean really exploded and got angry, and I'm so seldom like that I scared myself. I'm trying to convince myself I do want these troubled kids, knowing I truly don't. They have so many problems and neither is easy to get along with. I feel horrible feeling this way, but can't change the way I feel about anything. I just do not feel equipped to handle them and all there problems. My need to not hurt anyone is just making things worse, becouse the only one getting hurt anymore is myself.

1 comment:

Master Ed said...

Damn finally gt my computer back and can start reading this again. Things are slowly getting better. I can see it and eventually when things dont go back to the norm you will see it. I love you and cherish the little time we seem to see each other but it will and is getting better


Master Ed