Saturday, October 6, 2007
Tonight we had a guest speaker who's a psychiatrist for relationships. Was a real eye opener. Number one thing that caught my attention was the reason most people cheat is becouse they are missing intimacy in there life. He also said couples need to find time each day to connect with each other even in small ways. This is something I crave. Like the time at night Master watches his video before going to sleep. That is time we could cuddle and talk. Plus the honesty issue. I've tried to be honest and upfront and it hasn't worked. Like when I begged for an online Mistress and was shot down without recourse. That would have took care of some of my innate need for intimacy that isn't always fulfilled. I do not want to lie and cheat to get this need fulfilled. I do not want to leave and kill the marriage, but I hate feeling like that's the only way I will be happy. I hate being dishonest it kills me. I worry about hurting someone even though I try not to hurt anybody. It's been better, and we have had sex more often lately but for me it's not enough. I do not want to feel that way and I wish that wasn't the case. I almost never initiate sex anymore, becouse I'm so burned out from being turned down so many times. I just don't see why I could not have someone agreed to on the side with all the terms laid out before hand. I know maybe that's a lot to ask, but wouldn't it be better then no relationship anymore? I love sex, and having sex. The closeness and cuddling afterwards. I know it's not my husbands fault he can't have sex becouse of his disability but why do I have to feel so guilty for wanting someone to fill that void. Toys and hands just aren't the same and never will be. I do not want to be driving to cheat to fulfill this driving need inside me. I do not want to be forced to leave just so I can enjoy sex. I just don't know where to turn anymore or what to do? Honesty ha....just causes pain and more heartbreak.