Saturday, September 19, 2009

Damnnnnnnnn



I have talked before about how far I've come. I thought I was pretty much vanilla with the BDSM being more a bedroom kink then anything else. Yet every time I meet a Dominant personality I just melt to the floor in a puddle. Even as I fight control, I crave it. I want someone who will make me obey. I want someone who's going to be in control. I can't fight my own urges. I love being with someone Dominant. I crave the power play. I need someone in charge. Why this is? How should I know? I am not going to psychoanalyze myself. I just know it feels right, and excites me. I like to live on the edge a bit. I like to be on all fours as someones foot stool. I like to be marked as property. To someone who is not into our lifestyle they would never understand. For myself I want to keep exploring and trying new things every day. I want to break the barriers of sexual taboo, and do things others would consider improper. I want to be owned, and cared for. I've tried to deny myself and my cravings. I have went away looking for what I want and need, becouse I found only misery and heartache that route. I'm hoping that I have finely found that Dominant personality I need in my life, as well is a partner for life. I have no clue what the future will hold but I am certainly hoping it will be better then the past.
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Thursday, September 17, 2009

Musings


I just am feeling so lost still. How do I find myself? How does anyone? I have been suffering horrible migraines lately which has not helped. Not sure if its stress or heat induced. I feel like I never get enough sleep anymore. Since I have pretty much giving up the lifestyle except for the bit of play I do every month with my friends in Orlando I've been confused and not sure what to do with myself. I need a job. That would go a long way toward my self esteem issues and being able to support myself a bit. Plus Christmas is coming up again which sucks when I have no money to buy Katie anything. Stress sucks...

Monday, August 31, 2009

What is there to do but pull myself up...


So I went through my yahoo list and deleted all the people I talked to long ago, and don't anymore. I got rid of everyone out of my address book there too. Why keep them if they never talk to me anymore? I am letting go of the past in order to try and find my future. Today I've had major brain fog all day long. Just could not think. It was just put one foot in front of the other and do what needs to be done. I tried writing a bit, but could not get past the haze in my head to do so. I miss my baby, and she said she'd call me later never did. I know people get busy, and don't always have time but damn I need her voice to help me through the rough patches at times. She did finally leave me a text so I did not feel completly abandoned like I was starting too. I need to get back into a routine and fight this mental and physical exhaustion which seems to weigh me down. My throat has been so sore I haven't been swimming in a week which does effect my mental well being. Least when I do the swimming every day I feel like I accomplished one thing I set out to do even if its such a minor thing. I know I need to set a goal daily and accomplish at least that one goal, but right now so tired can't think much less figure out what goals I should do every day. All I know is can't keep going down this road I'm going down. I have to do something to change my path. I can't expect someone else to do it for me. All I have to do is look at my thigh and read the word hate curved there to remember why I have to change. I can't keep living like I am. Its becoming a struggle just to get moving every day anymore, and life should not be that way. I have plenty of time on my hands, but I am not utilizing that time. Of course I have wrote words to this extent over in over in the time I've been blogging here, and I've yet to do more then minor changes. I'm on the computer off and on all day and never write like I said I was going too. This last month has been so hectic I've picked up old bad habits I thought I'd kicked for good. My nails look like a beaver gnawed through them. I have chewed them down past my fingers, and now they hurt. I stopped chewing on my nails years ago, and I guess the stress lately just got me started again. Well guess I will get some sleep and hope tomorrow looks brighter then today...

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Depression


I thought I had it licked. I was hiding inside, denying it was still there. Last night after all the bullshit I had to face some hard truths. Yes I'm clinically depressed. Yes I still harbor thoughts of ending it all. I never give those thoughts credence or let them see the light of day, but they are there. Hell how could they not be. My life is in shambles. For every step forward it seems I take five back. I feel like I'll never get out of this endless spiral I am in. I've done a very good job of hiding it. So good I did not even realize how deeply depressed I was. I keep busy all day long with little things so I don't have to face myself. Yet I still haven't put one single job application in, nor have I tried my hand at writing. I am still so deeply afraid of rejection I make excuses on how busy I am so as to not have to face it. Last night was just to much and all the fears and all the uncertainty's came rushing forward. I carved the word hate on my skin. That's how I feel it sums up everything. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate my inability to move forward, or to take control of my own life. I thought I was so much further then I am. I had thought I was dealing, and doing so well, yet here I am at ground zero again. All I had managed to do was bury the fears and uncertainty's for a while. When your this sunk in depression is it possible to pull yourself up without help? I just don't know where to go, or who to turn too for help. God? He has not been there for me in the past why should he be there now. Plus they say God helps those who help themselves, and I haven't a clue how to help myself. I hate myself today for all the things I did not do....
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Saturday, August 29, 2009

Anger



Once again my mother is being a fucking bitch. My daughter had her friends Chelsea and Jimmy spend the night. I told Katie having Jimmy over would cause issues, but she really wanted him so I agreed. My mother insist I either take him home or she will. I solved problem my ex is going to come get kids take them to his house. You know I understand its my parents house, but its fucking bullshit since I damn well know my niece Ashley always had guys over when she was younger then Katie. Katie is almost eighteen and very mature. Its not like they were doing anything. Her and her friends were watching movies and that's it. My mother has always played favoritism and Katie has never been one of her favorites. Katie is over weight and my mother has issues with people that are over weight. Katie is a good kid, she's bright and gets good grades. Does my mother ever acknowledge that. No though she pays my niece for her grades, and acts like she's a fucking genius. Instead she makes fun of Katie and never acknowledges her grades or her work effort. Katie is outside crying, becouse its unfair. Unfortunately I can't comfort her, becouse it is unfair. There just isn't anything I can do about it. I've always told Katie that is just how grandma is. I grew up with it. She was the same way when I was little. It's bullshit that Katie can not have her friends over in her own home. I wish did not have to live her, but unfortunately have no other choice right now. It always tears me up when Katie is upset. She asks for so little I hate when I can't give it to her. Right now with no job and my ex not even giving me a dime I can't give her hardly anything and I hate it. He was at least at one time making sure I had some bathroom items monthly and giving me twenty to go over to the woodshed and hang with my friends. That stopped pretty quickly. Not like I did not work most of our relationship and give him money. I'm just so fucking angry right now want to drink and cut. I know can't do either, but damn it would help for the moment. I've already been stressed enough, becouse I haven't been to see my play partners since we went to Fetishcon a few weekends ago. When I scene it relieves stress and helps me cope with all the shit on a daily basis, but I lost faith in my play partner that weekend. He gave someone he knew permission to play with me. I was hurt and taking advantage of. Nothing major happened, but I really felt like he should have been more responsible about what happened and taking care of me. Maybe I didn't make it clear how upset I was, but he should have been able to read me. He's been my play partner for quiet a while. I kind of looked to him as my Mentor and protector. I know I should talk to him and work it out. Instead once agian I have retreated inside myself and just stayed away. I don't trust him anymore, and not sure I want them to be my play partners anymore. That leaves me with no stress relieve, and no where to go to get a break from this damn house since I was staying with them every month for a few days just to get away. If I had any place to go right now I'd take it though that would probaly just lead to more trouble. I fucking hate my life....

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Random ramblings



Well I decided I was not going to Zoo day at the Woodshed this month. There was a variety of factors leading to the decision. One was I am so tired of begging rides there, having to leave before I'm ready too, and begging money. The other was the fact I am going to see my beloved Mistress in another week and if I go to Zoo day I know I'll want to play if opportunity presents itself. I do not want to show up at my Mistress's full of bruises. Thing is everyone has been bugging me to go. Jersey offered me a place to stay and said she was sure Sir Fleegle would take me up there and bring me back. Then Lyndsey who has not talked to me in months offered to come get me and let me spend the night with them. I called and Ed said he'd take me up to Orlando Saturday so I guess my mind has been changed for me. I will spend the night with Lyndsey and Sir Tim and they will bring me home Sunday. I have restarted exercising so am already sore from that. I swim daily and walk over an hour a day. Now if can just get a job I'll be doing good.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Why...


Why do you never realize the different way you think from those you love till something stupid comes up. I lost someone I care for tonight becouse of a stupid disagreement in terms. I thought it was minor and she thought it was major. I knew it was coming sooner or later, but this is not how I wanted it to end. I changed my profile thinking it would please her, and instead she hung up on me while we were talking. I guess I had not had my sexual orientation showing on my page there before. I am listed as bi and have considered myself bi for a few years now. I changed my relationship status to in a relationship instead of complicated which I had it saying. She was mad I did not put down married. I am sorry saying we are married does not make it so. As long is I am still married to Ed I can not in good conscience put down I am married to someone else. To me that would be the same as lying. Just like saying I am gay which I very well might be. I have always liked females better then men, but never had that chance to explore that. Till I figure it out on my own and decide though putting I am gay instead of bi would be like a lie. I do not understand why she can't see this. I've just been hurt so fucking many times before I shatter like glass at the slightest touch, and this was just to damn much to take tonight. Maybe I am not fit to be in a relationship with anyone. I am always waiting for it to end long before ever does. Just fuck it all....

Saturday, May 9, 2009

So blue




I really need to figure out how to self regulate my moods, becouse this ennui I feel is just tearing me up inside. I just want to feel something anything instead of this mind numbing depression all the time. I know its all in my head, and I need to snap out of it, but doing so just seems so damn impossible at times. I just want to bash something and yell over and over again. Its like a million bugs lying dormant under my skin then all of a sudden they just start writhing and seething till they break free all at once creating a giant black explosion. I need to feel. I need the pain. I need something that is stronger then the numbness to make me feel alive again. I'm screaming help me, and no one hears. Why am I even here? I seek grabbing on to every lifeline in sight, yet it never seems to help. I'm always seeking something more. I want to go further, feel deeper, and do more then I have ever done before. I need to push myself to my limits and over. I searched for someone else to do this for me, but I know it will never be enough. Who I am is all I will ever be, and yet I want to be so much more. I confuse even myself at times, but its whats inside me. Anyone have some ennui blocker?

What is this beast

that lays inside of me

eating, breathing, and sleeping

while I lay caged deep inside

silently screaming

as this stranger emulates me

vacant eyes staring

only allowing me a glimpse

a shallow taste now and then of what could be

if I could actually see and feel

and be free of this beast inside of me...

Monday, May 4, 2009

Depression



I know everyone in my family is bipolar. I am not sure if that is my issue or not, but I feel I am more manic depressive. Yes I do go through high points, but there much rarer then my low ones. I try very hard not to let it get to me. At times though its just so damn hard. I get up every day for what? What have I giving of myself that makes my existence worthwhile? I know this kind of thinking is ridiculous but I can't help where my mind wonders. I'm doing better then I used to be. I no longer even contemplate suicide, which used to be quiet common for me. Its still a big issue for me and sometimes I'm just not sure how to overcome it. Some days it just seems like everything is pressing down on me driving me so deep into the ground I can never recover. There is so much to worry about, and its very hard to just let things go. I have too though to survive. I can not worry about how I am going to buy stuff, or where I'd go if I did not have my parents to take me in. If I really thought about my life right now I'd truly go insane. Today is obviously not a good day. If I accomplish one thing for the day it helps me greatly, but today haven't even done that. I guess I am lucky I'm not one of those people that can sleep forever or I would stay in bed with my head covered and never face the world...sighs and repeats over and over tomorrow will be a better day.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Zoo Day




Yesterday was our May Zoo day, and even though my ride fell through and I had to beg for one it was worth it. I only wish I could have got a little play time to see me through the next month of none. There was a bunch of newbies in attendance which made me very shy. Then I had some wanna be Dom following me around who could not take no for an answer. I told him several times I did not play with strangers and he still kept pushing closer under the pretext of petting the puppy even when I was not in puppy mode. I stuck pretty close to those I know in order to keep him a bit at bay. I'll be glad next month when Telka is hopefully back in attendance. Since I had come with Ed he spent the day at the local mall and was ready to leave much earlier then I was..damn it. Master Cecil had promised me needles and by time he was ready I had to go so could not stay for a scene. Master Cecil wanted me to go up against another to see who could take the most needles and I was truly looking forward to it. I was not a happy camper on way home to say the least. Can not complain though at least I did get to go. Tried asking for some money, but Ed would prefer to get me the stuff I need rather then giving me a dime so I don't feel so beholden to my mother all the time begging for items I need. He obvously doesn't understant how sometimes its nice to just have money in your pocket if you want to stop and buy your kid a drink or an ice cream on the way home from school. Nor to be able to stop and just pick up some dinner on days you don't feel like cooking. It's all good I just need to find one of those scarce jobs some how...sigh.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Trouble a brewing


My first online Mistress has reappeared in my life, and wants to be a more permanent part of my life. When she released me and vanished from my life it was so hard for me, becouse she was such a part of my life. It was like a cloud descended around me blinding me to everything. All I could see was my own pain and no way through it. I knew in my heart she did what she had to do, but that did not ease my pain or suffering any. I am not sure I could take that again. I am finely starting to get my life straightened out. I have made a huge mess of things lately and its hard for me to unravel the tangled threads. In the last few years with all that's going on with Ed, and the loneliness I was feeling I made a lot of online friends. The thing is each person I talk to is the only one I see while I am talking to that person. At the time we are connecting they are the only thing that matters in my life. I feel, see, and hear only them at the time we talk. This has caused a lot of very close connections, but they expect more then I truly mean to give. I know a lot of that is my fault. I promise things I should not, becouse I know what they need and I have to give it to them. I am a service submissive and am not happy myself if I am not making others happy. Now I have all these ladies thinking I want to spend my life with them and only them. To complicate matters I met someone who is very special to me just recently. After I had confessed myself I was a lesbian it is strange to have such feelings for a guy again. I have not had the best relationships with males and had pretty much decided I was done with them for good. Now to find myself wanting to get closer to him is raising new questions in my head. Do I want to be bi, or stick with my decision to be a lesbian only? Now that I have agreed to give my old relationship with my ex Mistress again is it fair to even pursue anything with anyone? Yet how do I hurt these people I am close too without hurting myself? The thought of ending any of these relationships kills me, yet I know eventually I have too. I am not being fair offering myself when I know I will never be with them truly. My girl Bernie is an ex boxer and has slight memory damage. She needs me and loves me greatly. She has two dogs she considers her kids, and wants me to come live with her in her trailer in West Virginia and live happily ever after. I do love her to death, but the thought of living out in the boonies does not thrill me at all. She is willing to learn all about the lifestyle for me, and explore all that. I know she loves me to death, and I aught to be truthful with her and tell her I love her as well, but I am not wanting marriage and settling down right now. Then there's Hazel in the United Kingdom. If we get married there I can stay there. Her two kids just went off to collage she's lonely and wants a partner to love and be with. Thing is she just moved closer to her sister, and now has her and is never online. Easy for me to move on and not think about her, but she still writes panicked afraid I'll forget her. Then got Judith who we have one of those on/off again relationships, and Amy who does not want to be alone. There's a few others who come and go as well. Yes I have become a player. I don't like that fact and have tried to stay offline hoping a few will vanish which has worked some. I have been so shy, and afraid of getting close to others and being hurt that now I have gone the complete opposite and am clinging to relationships I should not. I need to prioritize, but I am not sure how. I discovered a few years ago I was an energy vamp...thing is at the time I was only attracting negative energy and was feeding off it which made me feel like shit all the time. Now I have got rid of most of the negative energy but I am doing worse with the positive energy and not wanting to loose my source of energy by getting rid of any of the people I talk too. This is why I need some one to give me direction and keep my collar and leash tight. I am dangerous left on my own. I have no clue where I am going with any of this, but had to get it out into the open and start to deal with it. I can't keep playing people like I have been doing, its not good for anyone. Sigh.....I'll figure something out I guess.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Hmmmm.....



I went out to Pet day at the Woodshed this weekend and had an amazing time. I met someone I think might become very special. This worries me because I have someone I care about greatly, and I don't want to hurt her. Plus I had convinced myself I don't like guys anymore, and to find out I still do is strange. Makes me wonder about the things I thought I knew about myself. I played long and hard with more then one. I am suffering from sub drop a lot today because of it, but I know why I am so down and depressed at least and that helps greatly. I couple of candy bars helped as well. I got bruises on my bruises and I love it. Little stiff and sore, but nothing major. My mother asked me what kind of club I went too...lol. I just told her she did not really want to know. I am sure she pretty much already does. The play would be better with a real partner rather then just friends, because of the sexual tension that such play causes, but its still better then no play at all. I've got some wonderful friends and I'm really lucky. Katie called said she was spending another day at her dad's. Am sure he bribed her some way. I don't care accept if she had told me this earlier I could have stayed with my friends another day and not suffered sub drop alone. A good cuddle would have gone a long way to keeping the blahs at bay. I can't wait for next month so I can do it all again. I still have a long way to go to find myself and support myself, but I am trying. Hell maybe a lifetime wouldn't be long enough for that. Who knows...all I know is I'm taking one day at a time and not letting my own fears get in my way anymore!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Living life best as can


Well actually not sure what to write that seems to be an issue a lot lately. I am glad to be back in service I do miss that aspect of the lifestyle. Its been good for me this week to remember why I love the lifestyle. I have really enjoyed the company as well. Its nice to just sit and have a conversation with someone that's not about movies, gaming, or kids. I am going to miss that when I go home. I am not used to driving so much, but it has been relaxing all the same. I have more privacy here even though its a smaller house then I do my large one. Just had to get into a routine to relax a little. I'll be glad to get home Sunday though. Sleep in my giant new bed..yea. One thing I have realized while being here is I do love the lifestyle and don't want to give it up. I have no clue where that revelation is going to lead me. I know I don't want to be owned again. Least I don't think so...sigh. I am a lost cause. I have no clue what I want or need anymore.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Moving on


Well Ed is finally gone. I had to let go to be able to move on. He's been out of the house for a few weeks now, and I am not so stressed and worn out anymore. I finished my bedroom and it looks great to me. I love my pink walls no matter how many adjectives it gets. It has been referred to as the Barbie room, Baby room, and Easter egg room now. I don't care its my room and I am so happy with it. I have never had a room done for me before. Its not all my own style my mother has put her two cents in all over the place. She insisted on curtains for the windows even though I have blinds. Now just figure out what I want to do with my life. Staying with a friend for a week right now so not at home. I am going to try to start writing again. I'd actually like to try to get something published just not sure if that will happen or not. I consider myself a writer even though I have never been published and only write in lusty library. Its what I love to do. I just am having a hard time getting started. I'm like the dog that's been beating down so many times I'm afraid to try again. I just lay belly up waiting for the kicks to come. Only time will tell what works or not...

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Its a start


Pulled Katie outside tonight to talk to her about things that were bugging me. I wanted the truth from her since Ed has refused to be a man and tell me what was going on. I have seen the mail saying Katie was in trouble with Sears, but he would not give me a straight answer. She finally told me they had tried to take some videos and a game he wanted. They were stopped and can't go in Sears anymore. Now they have been kicked out of Sears and Walmart in this area. She's not even eighteen she should not have a record like this. I know he is still stealing from the bookstore as well. I am not sure what to do about it. It's already done and over with so not much I can do. I feel helpless knowing that I was not there for her. She also told me she has had sex with her friend from school like twice now. That was not something I wanted to hear, but I am glad she was open enough to tell me. I feel bad she feels like she can't tell the truth, and he's caused that. I'm sorry things have got so damn bad, but I am done trying to work things out. I know he's depressed as hell and he does this shit to try to feel something, anything. I know how that is becouse I was like that for years searching for I had no clue what. I'm still searching but I know now what I'm searching for is inside myself not outside. I've had to struggle very hard to find myself, and find self worth inside myself. No one else can do it for you. It's hard. Its very hard, but so worth it. I am trying to figure out how to get a divorce. He might not want one, but I need it. I need him out of my life though he will never be completly gone. I need my own space so I can stop stagniting and start to live at long last.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Long time



I haven't written here in longer then I care to think about. Why that is I have no clue...or maybe I do. It never did any good so why bother I guess. Nothing ever seems to change and life just gets more complicated daily not less. Went to Texas twice and loved it there, but it changed nothing. I flirt and find so many to love, but none I think will truly love me. They all say they do, but maybe I don't love myself enough to believe it from anyone. I know I'm just heading for disaster, becouse I do care so much for each and every person I talk to. When I'm talking to them they are my existence, the reason for my being, and everything I need and want. Then when there busy its just back to my own empty life the feeling just grows and grows till I find someone else to fill that void. Nothing ever seems to matter. Ed keeps trying but for me the trust is gone, and it's not coming back. I'm just so done. I feel like I am just doing time here waiting for something better to come along, and I know that's not fair to anyone. As for Texas yes that's a possibility and I know they want it to be more, but I'm starting to have serous doubts. When I was there for a week before Xmas the one I love left me sleeping to go to the bar. I was only there a few days, she could not wait just a few days to head there. Since I've come back she never texts or calls me. Makes me feel that I will be spending a lot of time alone if I go there, and the whole point of me going is to not be alone. God life is so complicated, and I have not got a clue where to go or what to do. I am hopelessly addicted to the feeling of being loved, but I'm afraid I'm unlovable which makes it hard for me to truly let go and let people inside to discover the real me. I have another girl I had started talking to before I went to Texas. She loves me with a passion that knows no bounds, and she makes me so happy. We talk for hours every day, and yet still I flirt and play with others. Makes me think maybe even that is doomed. I try not too, but I just can't stop. It's like a drug in my system. I have no answers only more questions as every day passes. I'm stuck on a merry go round that never stops. Just goes faster and faster till everything is blurred. Even the pain I used to love brings no clarity anymore. All I am, and all I will ever be is lost somewhere so far away not sure if can ever be found...
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