Sunday, August 30, 2009


I thought I had it licked. I was hiding inside, denying it was still there. Last night after all the bullshit I had to face some hard truths. Yes I'm clinically depressed. Yes I still harbor thoughts of ending it all. I never give those thoughts credence or let them see the light of day, but they are there. Hell how could they not be. My life is in shambles. For every step forward it seems I take five back. I feel like I'll never get out of this endless spiral I am in. I've done a very good job of hiding it. So good I did not even realize how deeply depressed I was. I keep busy all day long with little things so I don't have to face myself. Yet I still haven't put one single job application in, nor have I tried my hand at writing. I am still so deeply afraid of rejection I make excuses on how busy I am so as to not have to face it. Last night was just to much and all the fears and all the uncertainty's came rushing forward. I carved the word hate on my skin. That's how I feel it sums up everything. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate my inability to move forward, or to take control of my own life. I thought I was so much further then I am. I had thought I was dealing, and doing so well, yet here I am at ground zero again. All I had managed to do was bury the fears and uncertainty's for a while. When your this sunk in depression is it possible to pull yourself up without help? I just don't know where to go, or who to turn too for help. God? He has not been there for me in the past why should he be there now. Plus they say God helps those who help themselves, and I haven't a clue how to help myself. I hate myself today for all the things I did not do....

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