Anger

Once again my mother is being a fucking bitch. My daughter had her friends Chelsea and Jimmy spend the night. I told Katie having Jimmy over would cause issues, but she really wanted him so I agreed. My mother insist I either take him home or she will. I solved problem my ex is going to come get kids take them to his house. You know I understand its my parents house, but its fucking bullshit since I damn well know my niece Ashley always had guys over when she was younger then Katie. Katie is almost eighteen and very mature. Its not like they were doing anything. Her and her friends were watching movies and that's it. My mother has always played favoritism and Katie has never been one of her favorites. Katie is over weight and my mother has issues with people that are over weight. Katie is a good kid, she's bright and gets good grades. Does my mother ever acknowledge that. No though she pays my niece for her grades, and acts like she's a fucking genius. Instead she makes fun of Katie and never acknowledges her grades or her work effort. Katie is outside crying, becouse its unfair. Unfortunately I can't comfort her, becouse it is unfair. There just isn't anything I can do about it. I've always told Katie that is just how grandma is. I grew up with it. She was the same way when I was little. It's bullshit that Katie can not have her friends over in her own home. I wish did not have to live her, but unfortunately have no other choice right now. It always tears me up when Katie is upset. She asks for so little I hate when I can't give it to her. Right now with no job and my ex not even giving me a dime I can't give her hardly anything and I hate it. He was at least at one time making sure I had some bathroom items monthly and giving me twenty to go over to the woodshed and hang with my friends. That stopped pretty quickly. Not like I did not work most of our relationship and give him money. I'm just so fucking angry right now want to drink and cut. I know can't do either, but damn it would help for the moment. I've already been stressed enough, becouse I haven't been to see my play partners since we went to Fetishcon a few weekends ago. When I scene it relieves stress and helps me cope with all the shit on a daily basis, but I lost faith in my play partner that weekend. He gave someone he knew permission to play with me. I was hurt and taking advantage of. Nothing major happened, but I really felt like he should have been more responsible about what happened and taking care of me. Maybe I didn't make it clear how upset I was, but he should have been able to read me. He's been my play partner for quiet a while. I kind of looked to him as my Mentor and protector. I know I should talk to him and work it out. Instead once agian I have retreated inside myself and just stayed away. I don't trust him anymore, and not sure I want them to be my play partners anymore. That leaves me with no stress relieve, and no where to go to get a break from this damn house since I was staying with them every month for a few days just to get away. If I had any place to go right now I'd take it though that would probaly just lead to more trouble. I fucking hate my life....