Monday, April 13, 2009

Trouble a brewing

My first online Mistress has reappeared in my life, and wants to be a more permanent part of my life. When she released me and vanished from my life it was so hard for me, becouse she was such a part of my life. It was like a cloud descended around me blinding me to everything. All I could see was my own pain and no way through it. I knew in my heart she did what she had to do, but that did not ease my pain or suffering any. I am not sure I could take that again. I am finely starting to get my life straightened out. I have made a huge mess of things lately and its hard for me to unravel the tangled threads. In the last few years with all that's going on with Ed, and the loneliness I was feeling I made a lot of online friends. The thing is each person I talk to is the only one I see while I am talking to that person. At the time we are connecting they are the only thing that matters in my life. I feel, see, and hear only them at the time we talk. This has caused a lot of very close connections, but they expect more then I truly mean to give. I know a lot of that is my fault. I promise things I should not, becouse I know what they need and I have to give it to them. I am a service submissive and am not happy myself if I am not making others happy. Now I have all these ladies thinking I want to spend my life with them and only them. To complicate matters I met someone who is very special to me just recently. After I had confessed myself I was a lesbian it is strange to have such feelings for a guy again. I have not had the best relationships with males and had pretty much decided I was done with them for good. Now to find myself wanting to get closer to him is raising new questions in my head. Do I want to be bi, or stick with my decision to be a lesbian only? Now that I have agreed to give my old relationship with my ex Mistress again is it fair to even pursue anything with anyone? Yet how do I hurt these people I am close too without hurting myself? The thought of ending any of these relationships kills me, yet I know eventually I have too. I am not being fair offering myself when I know I will never be with them truly. My girl Bernie is an ex boxer and has slight memory damage. She needs me and loves me greatly. She has two dogs she considers her kids, and wants me to come live with her in her trailer in West Virginia and live happily ever after. I do love her to death, but the thought of living out in the boonies does not thrill me at all. She is willing to learn all about the lifestyle for me, and explore all that. I know she loves me to death, and I aught to be truthful with her and tell her I love her as well, but I am not wanting marriage and settling down right now. Then there's Hazel in the United Kingdom. If we get married there I can stay there. Her two kids just went off to collage she's lonely and wants a partner to love and be with. Thing is she just moved closer to her sister, and now has her and is never online. Easy for me to move on and not think about her, but she still writes panicked afraid I'll forget her. Then got Judith who we have one of those on/off again relationships, and Amy who does not want to be alone. There's a few others who come and go as well. Yes I have become a player. I don't like that fact and have tried to stay offline hoping a few will vanish which has worked some. I have been so shy, and afraid of getting close to others and being hurt that now I have gone the complete opposite and am clinging to relationships I should not. I need to prioritize, but I am not sure how. I discovered a few years ago I was an energy vamp...thing is at the time I was only attracting negative energy and was feeding off it which made me feel like shit all the time. Now I have got rid of most of the negative energy but I am doing worse with the positive energy and not wanting to loose my source of energy by getting rid of any of the people I talk too. This is why I need some one to give me direction and keep my collar and leash tight. I am dangerous left on my own. I have no clue where I am going with any of this, but had to get it out into the open and start to deal with it. I can't keep playing people like I have been doing, its not good for anyone. Sigh.....I'll figure something out I guess.

Monday, April 6, 2009


I went out to Pet day at the Woodshed this weekend and had an amazing time. I met someone I think might become very special. This worries me because I have someone I care about greatly, and I don't want to hurt her. Plus I had convinced myself I don't like guys anymore, and to find out I still do is strange. Makes me wonder about the things I thought I knew about myself. I played long and hard with more then one. I am suffering from sub drop a lot today because of it, but I know why I am so down and depressed at least and that helps greatly. I couple of candy bars helped as well. I got bruises on my bruises and I love it. Little stiff and sore, but nothing major. My mother asked me what kind of club I went I just told her she did not really want to know. I am sure she pretty much already does. The play would be better with a real partner rather then just friends, because of the sexual tension that such play causes, but its still better then no play at all. I've got some wonderful friends and I'm really lucky. Katie called said she was spending another day at her dad's. Am sure he bribed her some way. I don't care accept if she had told me this earlier I could have stayed with my friends another day and not suffered sub drop alone. A good cuddle would have gone a long way to keeping the blahs at bay. I can't wait for next month so I can do it all again. I still have a long way to go to find myself and support myself, but I am trying. Hell maybe a lifetime wouldn't be long enough for that. Who knows...all I know is I'm taking one day at a time and not letting my own fears get in my way anymore!