Friday, August 31, 2007

stress and no play make Kimmy a dull girl

Everything that could go wrong today did. Well today and yesterday actually. Had problems with my niece yesterday. She was caught in several lies, and having problems at school. Couldn't march with band tonight for game because of it. Hope we caught it quick enough for the whole problem to be solved. The today mom in law's car breaks went out. Seems was completely out of fluid and adding some worked. Hope that is all it is. Then this one's car started having problems as well. Air was going out. Master can not regulate body temp well so was severally over heated and short tempered. Had to run kids and mom in law around all day. Was a long tiring day. This one really felt stress and wanted some release wanted to play with self, but Master wouldn't allow. I understand he is in pain and doesn't always want to play but this one needs that play time. Really feeling less and less subservient the more that gets dumped in our laps. Husband isn't even trying to correct girl anymore which hurts. Have got in his face bad and haven't even got one stripe for it. Not that trying to make him discipline, but least some reaction rather then ignoring it. Right now just want to run away and never return. Am sure he's feeling same way though. I know a good bout of being tied up and spanked would make me feel better, but guess it doesn't do same for him. Am just so tired of doing for others and not even getting some play time and discipline for myself. Any other Dom would love the chance for a little stress relieve on the backs of there very willing subs I'd think. Trying real hard to just plow on and make things work, and make a place for these kids but it's damn hard and we have no help. Instead everyone has there hand out to us wanting things. All I want is some quiet time for play and a Master that disciplines when needed. Right now feeling so unsubmissive lately though might not accept discipline if giving. Might break whip in pieces and toss it in trash.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

still no play

Well still haven't had time to play,and it really bites. I know we've been stressed out and busy, but it would be so nice to just say heck with everything else and go shut the door for a few in the afternoon and have some fun..sigh. Hopefully soon being a celibate sucks. Master is addressing this issue. He assures me he's not ignoring me just been so hectic lately, and he's not feeling well again. I can't help how I feel though. He makes me feel so wonderfully alive when we play, and I get really depressed when don't get that time specially when it's for weeks and weeks. Have my niece Keke tonight so no nookie tonight either. Actually have nothing to complain about life is good is can be expected with so much stress and aggravation. Runs back to play in MDS....

Friday, August 24, 2007

lonely days

Hmmm...I've been avoiding writing lately, because I don't want to write bad stuff anymore. Just been a long week, and Master hasn't felt good. I've been spending an inordinate amount of time online. Master hasn't even said anything about it. I've done hardly anything that I should be doing. Almost better when my time in chat is curtailed I get more work done online and off. I know Master isn't purposely trying to push me away, but it feels that way when I'm trying so hard for a little loving and he's always telling me later. I'm glad I have such good friends online they do fill the void when I'm feeling particularly lonely like I have this week. Ah well nothing much else to write. Just been so busy trying to keep house clean, and help my mom who's still using leg as an excuse to have me do everything......sighs and wonders away.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Punishment sucks

Well am sure we all know this and agree, but punishment itself isn't the problem it's waiting for punishment. I know when vanilla things intrude and Master doesn't have time to punish me immediately for transactions that I'm just going to earn more before ever receiving a single lick. The longer the time before he gives punishment the more I will earn. By the time this one earns her punishment she has forgot what punishment was for though it's usually for same things. Disrespect, disagreeing, and temper tantrums. This one is truly trying to work on those things, but sometimes just can't help myself. Last night I was honest about something that I thought would get me in trouble, and make Master very angry. He wasn't angry and explained rules for that type of thing and thanked me for being honest. Knowing that I can go to him without him exploding and not letting me explain will make it much easer to keep communication open between us. I think him knowing he has final say and I will listen helps him to accept things he didn't before as well. There are still times where I'm just plain tired, cranky, and argumentative just for the sake of arguing. I'm trying to curb these urges and remember my place, but not the easiest thing to do. Like all when I feel I'm right I'm right and thats all there is to it. I'm unable to accept his word is law at these times and sulk like a two year old. I have to remind myself who is in control and who's word is final, but even that doesn't always help. Usually him pulling me to him by my hair, and slapping my face will bring me around quickly and remind me of my place. Other times like a child it just makes my lip stick out more, and me want to battle more. Muttering and kicking things. I have to know he's in control and he will take care of things. That is coming gradually. We still have a problem trying to deal with his niece and nephew. The 16 year old isn't a real problem though she does have teen attitude we have to deal with, it's the 11 year old. Unfortunate as it is we always prayed nothing would ever happen to his mother because we never wanted the boy. Now we have him, and have to deal with all his myriad problems. He is extremely hyper and rude. He does not do well around people, he only relates to games and cartoons. He is overweight and eats like a horse. Truly he drives us both crazy within ten minutes time and we want to strangle him. So thinking of raising him for the next ten years is not a fun thought. I truly think he is a little disassociated from things. He didn't even seem bothered by his mother's passing. I'm sure it might cause problems for him when he's older, but right now he just seems so lost inside himself. I think he might actually be a bit autistic and hope to get that checked out. Hopefully we can get him help and gain some sanity from having to deal with him. Truly I know once we get a place and have all the kids living with us Master and I will have so little time for each other. I just hope that together we can weather all storms and rely on each other as I've come to rely so heavily on him for all my needs....

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


As someone pointed out I am very lucky. My Master is trying and taking the lifestyle very seriously. He is handling is family very well with all there bickering and stuff. He's got the kids under control. He is handling things very well, and I might just be able to stop worrying about everything and everyone. I still regret we don't get more time together, but the time we do have is spent with each other and very enjoyable. I can see us together forever when for a long time I couldn't. He is watching out for me, and helping me stick with things he knows I want to stick with like the no caffeine. He's been super helping with my mother after her surgery. It's almost like a completely different person. He's more personable, more confident, more sweet, and a thousand times more loving then ever before. He's also stronger, less willing to give on things, and not as much of a procrastinator as before. All of which is super. He takes no crap, and lets the kids know if they step out of line. Today Joey was being rude with his other aunt and brought up her chin hairs, and even though she said that's fine I know he's just playing Ed jumped on him and explained to him you don't treat woman like that you respect them, and treat them right. He exerted his authority and pretty much told his sister to butt out he'd correct him if he wanted. I wanted to applaud. I am falling in love all over again. I hope everyone has a second chance like we've been giving, because it's so worth it....

Monday, August 13, 2007

Questioning myself

Does anyone have any idea why I would want to change my loving husband into a controlling Dom? I'd love to know myself. Why do I love the feel of his hands fisted in my hair so much? The cold bite of steel as he draws it down my flesh making me quiver with so much joy that at times I laugh hysterically. God the power he wields over me, and he doesn't even realize it at times. I'm at his mercy when he is playing with me, and I'd do or say anything to cum yet he never takes it that far always giving me what I'm craving without me having to ask. Today I reached for a mountain dew even though I'd been doing so well with no caffeine. He caught me, and didn't let me have it. I admit I'm weak and sometimes just can't do what's right for myself, and I truly appreciate he's helping me stick with something that matters to me. The more he gives the more I dream about and want. He gives me nine whacks with the Kendo stick I want twenty or thirty. He spanks me with his bare hand a few times I want him to smack me longer and harder till my ass is red with the imprint he leaves. Sometimes I want him to make me beg before him. Kneeling before him requesting permission for even little things. Then other time's I just want to be left alone, and I get bratty when he calls me down before him. Why am I so changing like the winds? There is a big difference in the way I feel toward him though. Now I think what will Master think of this before I act. He's in my mind more often, and with a little effort on his part he could completely control me. It took me time to remember to put his clothes out every morning, and quiet a few corrections before I started doing it automatically. Thing is he's not always consistent with punishments, nor are rules clear cut. So I'm at times confused so act bratty when I shouldn't. Plus I still worry when I know things need paying or stuff needs doing, and he tells me not to worry he'll take care of it. I'm starting to trust him more, but still have this nagging doubt in the back of my mind when I see money getting spent to quickly and things not being done. I do know there are times I get whiny and Master pretty much buys me anything I ask for, and I try to remember that and not ask for much. I know that I'm also an adult we are partners and we should work together on things like that, but I guess I have a fifties mentality and really thing the husband should take care of certain things and be in charge, and the wife other things. I grow up with a father that constantly told me where a womans place was. Guess I took it more to heart then I ever thought I would. All I know is when my collar and choke chain is held in Masters hand I feel complete in a way I've never felt before. I can finally relax and get rid of stress and worries that have plagued me all my life. I'm just an extension of him, his property, his girl since have no control at those times, have none of my usual worries that being in control causes me. Even the stress of taking care of my mother after surgery right now is lessened, because now we are truly partners in ways we never were before. I truly hope we grow and go further in the lifestyle, but I do know I never want to go back to being vanilla again....

Saturday, August 11, 2007

vanilla world sucks

Well once again stupid life is getting in the way. Some reason lately I've been extremely tired every day no matter how much sleep I get. Maybe it's depression. All this fighting among his family over the kids, and now having to wait on my mom till her knee heals. I have been bad about swimming haven't done it in two days now. Of course I've been cleaning, cooking, and doing laundry for those two days to have the house ready when mom came home. I've been in a really pissy mood as well. No reason for it that I can figure out. Haven't been real nice to Master. He's done a good job of keeping me in check though, and not getting to out of control. Sometimes I wish he'd just really show how sexy he thinks I am, by just grabbing me and kissing for no reason. That's not even fair cause he does at times, I'm just looking for reason's to bitch. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I wish me and him could just go away for a week just us two with no TV, which would kill him and rediscover each other. I still feel at times things that should be taking care of are not being done as quickly as they should. Master buys me pretty much anything I want and same with our daughter. I know I pout if I really want something and don't get it, but I also get over my self pretty damn quick. I'm still a bit upset about everything, and miss the time I had with two people very much. Right now though am still not able to face them without being very sad. Am sure that's a bit of my depression and the fighting between family members here as well. I feel absolutely worthless. something I was working on, but can't seem to get past anymore. If it wasn't for my online sister Jany do not think I'd even bother to log on anymore. Ah monkey nuts to everything. Life sucks then you die why bother even trying for more? Yes I know it's so wrong but how I feel at the moment. Out for now.... dark angel

Thursday, August 9, 2007

still getting there

My apologies for last couple of days. I reacted like a five year old had my tantrum, yelled, screamed, threw things now it's back to being an adult which sucks. I'm still sad, angry, and heart broken, but that doesn't change the way I feel. That won't change at all. I do know this was for the best, doesn't mean I have to like it. Nor does it mean I am not angry at Master. He is Master and it was his right to refuse me though it still hurts like hell that he didn't even let us give it a try. Truthfully I should have talked to him more, but I couldn't. He didn't want this anyway so he'd just be happy its over. Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit but that's how I feel. He is so afraid of loosing me, and wants me to be happy with just him. I wish I was truly, and I do love him dearly. It is getting better with more play, and more time spent in each other's company. We wasted so many years ignoring each other, and not caring what the other needed or wanted. Needs and wants has been a hot topic in some forums I'm in lately. More accurately needs vs. wants. What I is a submissive feels I need are usually just wants that I don't need and can live without even though at times I feel that's not true. I want sex, I want Domination, I want control, I want to be made to feel sexy and loved, I want an open and honest relationship where we can talk about anything. I need food, shelter, and medical care. As I tell my kid all the time no one says what kind of food, or how bad the shelter has to be. He is my Dominant and though I don't agree I have to abide by what he says. I gave him that right when I accepted him as my Dominant. Doesn't mean like in this instant I won't throw a fit stomp my feet and cry when I loose someone I cared so much for, because he refused to let us give it a chance. Long as he knows the more that is taking from me the unhappier I'll get till I feel like bolting again. I do not want it to get to that point which is why I liked the honesty in the lifestyle so much. Yet I was very honest and open about my relationship and the fact that it was helping me to be a better person, and it got me nowhere. So now I'm trying not to let that effect the honesty but it does. If he cared so little about my views in this matter maybe he wont care about my views in others so why bother sharing? Ah well now I'm just rambling......

Wednesday, August 8, 2007


Communication something i'm trying very hard to learn. There was no communication in my house growing up. Hell my father was usually away out at sea, and my mom pretty much ignored us girls. We all hated each other so pretty much did our own things, and never saw each other. One of the things that so attracted me to this lifestyle was the honosty and communication between people. Something that is I guess frankly still alluding me. I'm still angry and feeling a little lost right now, becouse I truly felt I was trying. If that's not good enough what can you do? I did communicate my need to Master very clearly, and was shut down every time so what's left to do? I truly thought I was honest and communicated well with others, but now i'm left wondering where I went wrong? If trying isn't enough what the hell is left? I would have done anything, but wasn't giving the chance. This actually isn't directed at anyone but me. I'm pissed at me. I'm so damn angry it's not funny. The tears are still falling, and I really don't want to see or talk to anyone, becouse getting close hurts to damn much. I know that's not fair to my good friends, but that is how i'm feeling. I also don't want to end a good freindship that meant so much, but i'm not sure I can see or talk to that person agian without the pain flaring up. Honosty ha...tried it bought the t-shirt not worth it. I thought I was very honost. I'm clingy, needy, and a bit possisive of the ones I love. I don't love easily, becouse it hurts to damn bad, and i'll probaly not risk it agian for at least ten to fifteen years after this. Yet I said all this and it did no good. When I was having a problem dealing I reached out for a safety net, just to watch it snatched away. That's what honosty gets you. I loved, and damn I hurt so much....I can't face anyone for a while. I just can't. I don't want to talk or be told it will be alright cause it's not. I am serously considering deleting quiet a few of my profiles that aren't really used all that often anymore. Myspace, and cherry tap being the top two right now. I know it wouldn't be fair to my friends to delete my MDS account so I will leave it, but probaly not on much. Maybe once the pain fades a bit....

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Sighs and heartaches

I know haven't posted here in a while. Guess haven't really had much to say. Master is being more Masterfull then ever. Still seems like not much playtime, but other things takes precedence now and then. Not a big deal really though I do miss it when we don't get that time. Today it's another thing that has brought me here to put down my feelings. Everyone knows I care very much for someone on line. I've not hidden it from Master, but he has refused to approve it or let me call her Mistress. Tonight I got the pretty much lets be friends speech. I understand her reasons, becouse without Master saying yes there is not much she can do to help or guide me. Still it hurts like hell. I'm angry at him, and at myself. I've been nothing but honost about this from the begining now i'm going to loose one of the brightest spots in my life, becouse he doesn't see how much she means to me. I know we can just be friends, but it's just not the same. I want to scream and howl smashing my fist into a wall to let out my agony, but after convincing my friend today that cutting wasn't the answer to her pain what kind of hypocrit would I be if I went that route. She has helped me to be a better person, and guided me so much that now I feel a bit cut loose and adrift. Truthfully I think she has been trying to tell me this for a while, but wasn't sure of my reaction so was hesitent. My heart hurts though I knew this would come in the end. I want to rile at Master, but what good would it do? His word maybe law, but it hurts that he cares so little for my feelings as to completly not listen to me about something that really meant so much to me. Thinking of vanishing for a time. Yea I fucked up agian going through my mind. I know it wouldn't last why would anyone want me...yea i'm a little out of it right now. Tears running down my face blinding me. No worries i'll get over it what choice do I have?

The tears fall endlessly
my heart torn in pieces
like sharp jagged pieces of glass
digging at my insides
I rock and shake
holding myself tightly
wanting to vanish
wishing I was dead
no pain ever again
just endless peace and quiet
not wanting to feel, hear, or see
those that cause such pain
itching to be free
of this mind fuck game
killing time till time dies
and I drift away
free at last
able to be me
till then I ache and hurt
as my heart gets stomped on
time and again
screaming out I fucking hate this
not caring if I'm damning myself
just wanting to be free....

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Hmmm and mmmmmmmm

Now i'm so confused. I can't but help to listen to Master when he talks with power and charisma which he is lately. The last few days he's really taking charge and has captured my heart all over agian. The sex has been amazing. He has taking me on a journey I never want to end. Sorry for not talking much last few days to people my computer is being a butt. Hopefully will be better tomorrow going to scrub it and start over. Love everyone....