Thursday, August 9, 2007

still getting there

My apologies for last couple of days. I reacted like a five year old had my tantrum, yelled, screamed, threw things now it's back to being an adult which sucks. I'm still sad, angry, and heart broken, but that doesn't change the way I feel. That won't change at all. I do know this was for the best, doesn't mean I have to like it. Nor does it mean I am not angry at Master. He is Master and it was his right to refuse me though it still hurts like hell that he didn't even let us give it a try. Truthfully I should have talked to him more, but I couldn't. He didn't want this anyway so he'd just be happy its over. Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit but that's how I feel. He is so afraid of loosing me, and wants me to be happy with just him. I wish I was truly, and I do love him dearly. It is getting better with more play, and more time spent in each other's company. We wasted so many years ignoring each other, and not caring what the other needed or wanted. Needs and wants has been a hot topic in some forums I'm in lately. More accurately needs vs. wants. What I is a submissive feels I need are usually just wants that I don't need and can live without even though at times I feel that's not true. I want sex, I want Domination, I want control, I want to be made to feel sexy and loved, I want an open and honest relationship where we can talk about anything. I need food, shelter, and medical care. As I tell my kid all the time no one says what kind of food, or how bad the shelter has to be. He is my Dominant and though I don't agree I have to abide by what he says. I gave him that right when I accepted him as my Dominant. Doesn't mean like in this instant I won't throw a fit stomp my feet and cry when I loose someone I cared so much for, because he refused to let us give it a chance. Long as he knows the more that is taking from me the unhappier I'll get till I feel like bolting again. I do not want it to get to that point which is why I liked the honesty in the lifestyle so much. Yet I was very honest and open about my relationship and the fact that it was helping me to be a better person, and it got me nowhere. So now I'm trying not to let that effect the honesty but it does. If he cared so little about my views in this matter maybe he wont care about my views in others so why bother sharing? Ah well now I'm just rambling......

1 comment:

Master Ed said...

The reasons why I didnt let you go further with want you wanted was to protect you from being hurt again. In the past when we werent getting along very well you were hurt time and time and time again and it killed me inside that you wouldn't me help you. So when we made the decision to come into this lifestyle I took it to heart. I was not going to let you jump into something where your heart could be broken again by anybody. You give your heart to people sooo quickly. Sometimes it takes time for things to establish themselves and I thought and felt things were moving way too quickly and was not going to let you get hurt again. I am not afraid of "losing you" again but afraid of you getting hurt again.

The internet is a weird animal at times. People can act one way and then in person can be a completely different person. I am not saying that it was going to happen with these people but I have to protect you from yourself sometimes. You see a blue sky where actually a storm is happening. I never said NO. I said lets have some time to see how things work and then we would talk about it. I didnt do this for any selfish reason but to protect my angel which is my job now.

I understand and feel for the feelings you are having and am totally 100% percent behind you but till I am comfortable with the person I will not give permission for your heart to get broken again.

I love you and am excited about the new life we have started. I would not want the journey with any other person beside me.

I love you

Master Ed