Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Communication


Communication something i'm trying very hard to learn. There was no communication in my house growing up. Hell my father was usually away out at sea, and my mom pretty much ignored us girls. We all hated each other so pretty much did our own things, and never saw each other. One of the things that so attracted me to this lifestyle was the honosty and communication between people. Something that is I guess frankly still alluding me. I'm still angry and feeling a little lost right now, becouse I truly felt I was trying. If that's not good enough what can you do? I did communicate my need to Master very clearly, and was shut down every time so what's left to do? I truly thought I was honest and communicated well with others, but now i'm left wondering where I went wrong? If trying isn't enough what the hell is left? I would have done anything, but wasn't giving the chance. This actually isn't directed at anyone but me. I'm pissed at me. I'm so damn angry it's not funny. The tears are still falling, and I really don't want to see or talk to anyone, becouse getting close hurts to damn much. I know that's not fair to my good friends, but that is how i'm feeling. I also don't want to end a good freindship that meant so much, but i'm not sure I can see or talk to that person agian without the pain flaring up. Honosty ha...tried it bought the t-shirt not worth it. I thought I was very honost. I'm clingy, needy, and a bit possisive of the ones I love. I don't love easily, becouse it hurts to damn bad, and i'll probaly not risk it agian for at least ten to fifteen years after this. Yet I said all this and it did no good. When I was having a problem dealing I reached out for a safety net, just to watch it snatched away. That's what honosty gets you. I loved, and damn I hurt so much....I can't face anyone for a while. I just can't. I don't want to talk or be told it will be alright cause it's not. I am serously considering deleting quiet a few of my profiles that aren't really used all that often anymore. Myspace, and cherry tap being the top two right now. I know it wouldn't be fair to my friends to delete my MDS account so I will leave it, but probaly not on much. Maybe once the pain fades a bit....

1 comment:

cyndi/hotforgreys said...

dearie i dont know what's going on, but i want to send you a BIG BIG HUG!