Monday, May 11, 2009


Why do you never realize the different way you think from those you love till something stupid comes up. I lost someone I care for tonight becouse of a stupid disagreement in terms. I thought it was minor and she thought it was major. I knew it was coming sooner or later, but this is not how I wanted it to end. I changed my profile thinking it would please her, and instead she hung up on me while we were talking. I guess I had not had my sexual orientation showing on my page there before. I am listed as bi and have considered myself bi for a few years now. I changed my relationship status to in a relationship instead of complicated which I had it saying. She was mad I did not put down married. I am sorry saying we are married does not make it so. As long is I am still married to Ed I can not in good conscience put down I am married to someone else. To me that would be the same as lying. Just like saying I am gay which I very well might be. I have always liked females better then men, but never had that chance to explore that. Till I figure it out on my own and decide though putting I am gay instead of bi would be like a lie. I do not understand why she can't see this. I've just been hurt so fucking many times before I shatter like glass at the slightest touch, and this was just to damn much to take tonight. Maybe I am not fit to be in a relationship with anyone. I am always waiting for it to end long before ever does. Just fuck it all....

Saturday, May 9, 2009

So blue

I really need to figure out how to self regulate my moods, becouse this ennui I feel is just tearing me up inside. I just want to feel something anything instead of this mind numbing depression all the time. I know its all in my head, and I need to snap out of it, but doing so just seems so damn impossible at times. I just want to bash something and yell over and over again. Its like a million bugs lying dormant under my skin then all of a sudden they just start writhing and seething till they break free all at once creating a giant black explosion. I need to feel. I need the pain. I need something that is stronger then the numbness to make me feel alive again. I'm screaming help me, and no one hears. Why am I even here? I seek grabbing on to every lifeline in sight, yet it never seems to help. I'm always seeking something more. I want to go further, feel deeper, and do more then I have ever done before. I need to push myself to my limits and over. I searched for someone else to do this for me, but I know it will never be enough. Who I am is all I will ever be, and yet I want to be so much more. I confuse even myself at times, but its whats inside me. Anyone have some ennui blocker?

What is this beast

that lays inside of me

eating, breathing, and sleeping

while I lay caged deep inside

silently screaming

as this stranger emulates me

vacant eyes staring

only allowing me a glimpse

a shallow taste now and then of what could be

if I could actually see and feel

and be free of this beast inside of me...

Monday, May 4, 2009


I know everyone in my family is bipolar. I am not sure if that is my issue or not, but I feel I am more manic depressive. Yes I do go through high points, but there much rarer then my low ones. I try very hard not to let it get to me. At times though its just so damn hard. I get up every day for what? What have I giving of myself that makes my existence worthwhile? I know this kind of thinking is ridiculous but I can't help where my mind wonders. I'm doing better then I used to be. I no longer even contemplate suicide, which used to be quiet common for me. Its still a big issue for me and sometimes I'm just not sure how to overcome it. Some days it just seems like everything is pressing down on me driving me so deep into the ground I can never recover. There is so much to worry about, and its very hard to just let things go. I have too though to survive. I can not worry about how I am going to buy stuff, or where I'd go if I did not have my parents to take me in. If I really thought about my life right now I'd truly go insane. Today is obviously not a good day. If I accomplish one thing for the day it helps me greatly, but today haven't even done that. I guess I am lucky I'm not one of those people that can sleep forever or I would stay in bed with my head covered and never face the world...sighs and repeats over and over tomorrow will be a better day.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Zoo Day

Yesterday was our May Zoo day, and even though my ride fell through and I had to beg for one it was worth it. I only wish I could have got a little play time to see me through the next month of none. There was a bunch of newbies in attendance which made me very shy. Then I had some wanna be Dom following me around who could not take no for an answer. I told him several times I did not play with strangers and he still kept pushing closer under the pretext of petting the puppy even when I was not in puppy mode. I stuck pretty close to those I know in order to keep him a bit at bay. I'll be glad next month when Telka is hopefully back in attendance. Since I had come with Ed he spent the day at the local mall and was ready to leave much earlier then I was..damn it. Master Cecil had promised me needles and by time he was ready I had to go so could not stay for a scene. Master Cecil wanted me to go up against another to see who could take the most needles and I was truly looking forward to it. I was not a happy camper on way home to say the least. Can not complain though at least I did get to go. Tried asking for some money, but Ed would prefer to get me the stuff I need rather then giving me a dime so I don't feel so beholden to my mother all the time begging for items I need. He obvously doesn't understant how sometimes its nice to just have money in your pocket if you want to stop and buy your kid a drink or an ice cream on the way home from school. Nor to be able to stop and just pick up some dinner on days you don't feel like cooking. It's all good I just need to find one of those scarce jobs some how...sigh.