Saturday, May 9, 2009

So blue

I really need to figure out how to self regulate my moods, becouse this ennui I feel is just tearing me up inside. I just want to feel something anything instead of this mind numbing depression all the time. I know its all in my head, and I need to snap out of it, but doing so just seems so damn impossible at times. I just want to bash something and yell over and over again. Its like a million bugs lying dormant under my skin then all of a sudden they just start writhing and seething till they break free all at once creating a giant black explosion. I need to feel. I need the pain. I need something that is stronger then the numbness to make me feel alive again. I'm screaming help me, and no one hears. Why am I even here? I seek grabbing on to every lifeline in sight, yet it never seems to help. I'm always seeking something more. I want to go further, feel deeper, and do more then I have ever done before. I need to push myself to my limits and over. I searched for someone else to do this for me, but I know it will never be enough. Who I am is all I will ever be, and yet I want to be so much more. I confuse even myself at times, but its whats inside me. Anyone have some ennui blocker?

What is this beast

that lays inside of me

eating, breathing, and sleeping

while I lay caged deep inside

silently screaming

as this stranger emulates me

vacant eyes staring

only allowing me a glimpse

a shallow taste now and then of what could be

if I could actually see and feel

and be free of this beast inside of me...

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