Monday, September 24, 2007

Sighs and soda's

Yes soda need it, love it, live for it. Why did I give it up? I know the blog thing has seriously lagged lately. Just not in mood to blog anymore. I blog when I'm happy and I'm not happy often anymore. If I try to put my finger on why I'm not happy I can't. There are moments of happiness but there's more moments of just drifting from moment to moment waiting for the day to end. I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm not sure where I'm going or where I want to be anymore. We went to Master Zooms birthday party a few days ago and that was fun. Several people played and I so wished someone would have volunteered to flog me. I know my husband is trying, and I'm not sure what I'm missing that leaves me looking elsewhere. I don't think it has anything to do with the lifestyle It's just to much past history, pain, and anger that I can't push aside. I still feel lonely and neglected at times, though we do a lot more then we ever used too together. I just don't really feel wanted, needed, or loved here. I know that's not fair or true, but that's how I feel. The power exchange doesn't work here. He takes control only sometimes, when there's a point he's trying to make otherwise I do and get away with everything. Truly accept in the bedroom I'm not sure I'd listen anyway. Sometimes I do other times I just ignore him. Maybe I should try harder to be happy where I'm at. I'm so confused and can't get my own head right maybe that's why I stopped writing.....sighs....thinks about lots a soda.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Play time-at last

We went to a friends house for dinner and a demo last night. Was supposed to be on fire and wax play but Master Zoom was tired, and they didn't want to get that into everything so was just on flogging. After eating we talked for along time just getting to know one another better. Master Zoom has graciously offered to mentor my husband so he can be a better Dom. After talking for a long time my husband finally said it's getting late can I see some They have two huge glass cabinets in there dining area with all there floggers and stuff laid out for viewing. Zoom pulled out all the floggers and paddles for my husband to see. Pauline took off her dress and he demonstrated where to hit properly on her back and buttocks. Master used a couple of the floggers and paddles on me getting used to the feel. I asked Pauline if I could see try her clover nipple clamps with weighted chain. They felt fine at first but quickly the nipple started to burn where it was pinching. This was quickly escalated when husband pulled the chain a few times. When they where taking off and he rubbed the feeling back into the nipples it hurt like hell, but went away fairly quickly. I'm not sure but think if was actually in the mood I'd like the clamps a bit better. When horny I like the stronger feelings rather then weaker. It was a bit of a learning experience and I enjoyed it greatly. Master Zoom said next time he'd pull out the cross, and husband asked him if he would demo on me. They are wonderful friends, and I think we are lucky to have them mentor us.

Monday, September 10, 2007

lies, deception, and sadness

Alright I've tried to talk to you, but as have said before talking face to face is not my forte nor will it ever be. I've said before you as my Master wasn't working, and it's not. This exerting your authority only when you want to make a point is not working for me, and it's not going to work. If I listen anymore it's becouse I want to. If I don't your going to have to live with that. I promised to give it a chance and I did. You refused to find someone to mentor you to be a better Master, you refused to let me mentor under someone to learn more about lifestyle like I wanted, and you refused to let me have an online Dom to help deepen my submission. When I first introduced you to lifestyle it was wonderful. That lasted maybe a month and everything slid right back to where it always is. You one room me the other and hardly ever the twain shall meet. Same complaint I've always had we are two strangers living under the same roof. Now with all the added stress of the last few months I've been sinking deeper and deeper into depression, and not only did you not see it you weren't there to give me the helping hand I needed. I admit I'm way to friendly online, and spend way to much time talking to people on yahoo. They are here for me though, as you haven't really been. I know it's not intentional but that is how I feel. I was seriously thinking of leaving for my own happiness, and truthfully still am. I know a couple moving to Texas at the end of this month who would like someone to keep up there house since they work such long hours, and be home when they can't for there son. That is why I've been so distant lately, becouse I didn't know how to tell you. Well mote point now you saw my changed slave register. Wasn't how I wanted to talk to you. I don't want to deal with this right now. Guess what I want matters little? I am so confused and dead inside right now. Life is just always the same day after day till I want to scream. I know you would never understand how I could love those I've never talked to or met, but I can and do very much so. I've developed more self worth in there believe in me then ever before. You wanted to know who MLL and MLNL are? They are a couple that has shown me nothing but love and kindness. They wanted me to move to Texas with them and look after there house since they both work long hours. Now I'm talking in circles becouse I'm so lost and upset. I do truly care for them even though you say you can't know people you haven't met. I've truly tried to be happy, but maybe I'm unhappy anywhere. I just don't know anymore. I was not trying to lie or deceive you just didn't now how to talk to you and still don't. I've tried to let you know when I feel neglected yet it's done no good. I've written in my blog how I feel, and I get the same assurances and promises over and over yet things might change for a week up to a month, then everything goes back to the same. Today was the first time in months that you tried to kiss me or hold my hand. Last night was the first time in over a month you touched me, and no I didn't want to be touched. I'm tired of your schedule and your time. Truly I don't want to be your slave I'd rather if you want to try again just be a normal nilla couple with kinky bedroom play. Are you going to listen what I want or ignore it? I can't kneel and serve you when my heart isn't in it and right now my heart isn't in it. I thought about leaving within a week, and just not coming back. I'd already decided that was the wrong path and I needed to talk to you, but I'm not saying I'm going to stay. I'm tired of going around in circles with you year after year and hearing the same promises and you saying you'll take care of stuff and it not getting done. Bills going unpaid, courts as well that needs to be paid. I just can't handle things anymore...

Monday, September 3, 2007


This morning Master told me be in room at 9:30 for a bit of play. OK no problem. Thing is when I'm up in morning I'm up and awake. I'm a morning person. So when I come to room like he tells me I'm a bit hyper and playful. He kept telling me stop bouncing and give him time to wake up. Now since he told me 9:30 couldn't he have started to wake up before that time, instead of waiting for me to get in there. Then he finally said if I couldn't be quiet and still to leave. No problem with me I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. This is what really bites though he said as I was leaving I'm doing this for you not me you know. What the hell? Well don't do me any damn favors. I've said all along if you weren't into lifestyle fine. It's not a game to me. It's not something to switch on and off at will. Either you take control at all times, and punish the same for infractions or we quit. Drop out of munch and go back to being vanilla which we pretty much are anyway. You said you loved Shibari even bought more rope. Yet it hasn't been touched. Our soft restraints on end of bed may as well not be there. Now this. We have to set up play dates. I have to come in on your time when your ready. Well maybe I am not ready then. What happened to the passion? You say how much you love me and I excite you, but you never show that. If your not interested in sex I can live with that, but don't do me any favors. If you don't want to be in charge fine. It's easier to just sit back and do nothing. Don't keep pretending this is working when it's not though. Let me go play with others. Let me find a mentor that will teach me more and take me further in the lifestyle. I don't want nor am I happy with a half assed effort anymore. Don't do me any favors? Just sit back and watch your stupid TV shows and let me live my life the way I want and need to be happy. You got mad at me yesterday because my girlfriend Jany called. You always say I don't know these people that I can't give out my number nor should I talk to them. Well fuck that. I've known people online longer then I've known people for real. I have no friends in case you hadn't noticed, and I'm tired of doing nothing and being nothing. I will be more outgoing. I will talk to my friends on the phone if I so please. I promised to try this with you. Well it's not working for me. There is enough stress and sadness from outside sources I can't stand the pain from you as well. I have actually been thinking about leaving again, but it is something I will probably never do. Not for you, but for myself. I know that hurting others effects me a thousand times worse then it does them. I can live with the unhappiness and am used to doing so and hiding it. I am not going to keep pretending anymore though. Your once every few weeks play is bullshit. You don't want to play with me fine don't pretend anymore either. Maybe I shouldn't write when angry, disappointed, stressed out, and just plain upset but then again maybe I should. I'm not the woman you met nor the one you married. I'm not sure you wish to know this one. I have so many that would love me in there lives and respect me for who and what I am. Yet I stay here with one that does not. I've accepted nothing all my life, and now when all I'm asking for is someone to actually step up take charge and be responsible for a change I guess it's to much. Don't think you changing for a month before everything goes back to the way it always is will make a difference it won't. Have been there and done that time and time again. End of rant.....


After this Master called me back into room. He brought our his inner beast and we played for a while. I still stick by what I've said, and just want to know if when we play like that it does nothing for him? That is what is seems like with the long length of times between play sessions. When he plays with me like that, and I see how Dom he can be I'm left bitter and disappointed when that side goes away again and doesn't come back out. Then he's not really worried about getting rough or hurting me it's all about sensations and hearing me moan, and doing as he wants to me. I'm just not sure I can stand being on the roller coaster ride any long with all the lows, and every once in a while a quick high...