Monday, September 3, 2007

anger


This morning Master told me be in room at 9:30 for a bit of play. OK no problem. Thing is when I'm up in morning I'm up and awake. I'm a morning person. So when I come to room like he tells me I'm a bit hyper and playful. He kept telling me stop bouncing and give him time to wake up. Now since he told me 9:30 couldn't he have started to wake up before that time, instead of waiting for me to get in there. Then he finally said if I couldn't be quiet and still to leave. No problem with me I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. This is what really bites though he said as I was leaving I'm doing this for you not me you know. What the hell? Well don't do me any damn favors. I've said all along if you weren't into lifestyle fine. It's not a game to me. It's not something to switch on and off at will. Either you take control at all times, and punish the same for infractions or we quit. Drop out of munch and go back to being vanilla which we pretty much are anyway. You said you loved Shibari even bought more rope. Yet it hasn't been touched. Our soft restraints on end of bed may as well not be there. Now this. We have to set up play dates. I have to come in on your time when your ready. Well maybe I am not ready then. What happened to the passion? You say how much you love me and I excite you, but you never show that. If your not interested in sex I can live with that, but don't do me any favors. If you don't want to be in charge fine. It's easier to just sit back and do nothing. Don't keep pretending this is working when it's not though. Let me go play with others. Let me find a mentor that will teach me more and take me further in the lifestyle. I don't want nor am I happy with a half assed effort anymore. Don't do me any favors? Just sit back and watch your stupid TV shows and let me live my life the way I want and need to be happy. You got mad at me yesterday because my girlfriend Jany called. You always say I don't know these people that I can't give out my number nor should I talk to them. Well fuck that. I've known people online longer then I've known people for real. I have no friends in case you hadn't noticed, and I'm tired of doing nothing and being nothing. I will be more outgoing. I will talk to my friends on the phone if I so please. I promised to try this with you. Well it's not working for me. There is enough stress and sadness from outside sources I can't stand the pain from you as well. I have actually been thinking about leaving again, but it is something I will probably never do. Not for you, but for myself. I know that hurting others effects me a thousand times worse then it does them. I can live with the unhappiness and am used to doing so and hiding it. I am not going to keep pretending anymore though. Your once every few weeks play is bullshit. You don't want to play with me fine don't pretend anymore either. Maybe I shouldn't write when angry, disappointed, stressed out, and just plain upset but then again maybe I should. I'm not the woman you met nor the one you married. I'm not sure you wish to know this one. I have so many that would love me in there lives and respect me for who and what I am. Yet I stay here with one that does not. I've accepted nothing all my life, and now when all I'm asking for is someone to actually step up take charge and be responsible for a change I guess it's to much. Don't think you changing for a month before everything goes back to the way it always is will make a difference it won't. Have been there and done that time and time again. End of rant.....

Addendum


After this Master called me back into room. He brought our his inner beast and we played for a while. I still stick by what I've said, and just want to know if when we play like that it does nothing for him? That is what is seems like with the long length of times between play sessions. When he plays with me like that, and I see how Dom he can be I'm left bitter and disappointed when that side goes away again and doesn't come back out. Then he's not really worried about getting rough or hurting me it's all about sensations and hearing me moan, and doing as he wants to me. I'm just not sure I can stand being on the roller coaster ride any long with all the lows, and every once in a while a quick high...

1 comment:

hungrypussy said...

hug. i am sorry. i feel your pain. i really do. i wish i could say something to make you feel better, but i have no words. just know i am here and thinking of you.

cyndi