Monday, September 10, 2007

lies, deception, and sadness

Alright I've tried to talk to you, but as have said before talking face to face is not my forte nor will it ever be. I've said before you as my Master wasn't working, and it's not. This exerting your authority only when you want to make a point is not working for me, and it's not going to work. If I listen anymore it's becouse I want to. If I don't your going to have to live with that. I promised to give it a chance and I did. You refused to find someone to mentor you to be a better Master, you refused to let me mentor under someone to learn more about lifestyle like I wanted, and you refused to let me have an online Dom to help deepen my submission. When I first introduced you to lifestyle it was wonderful. That lasted maybe a month and everything slid right back to where it always is. You one room me the other and hardly ever the twain shall meet. Same complaint I've always had we are two strangers living under the same roof. Now with all the added stress of the last few months I've been sinking deeper and deeper into depression, and not only did you not see it you weren't there to give me the helping hand I needed. I admit I'm way to friendly online, and spend way to much time talking to people on yahoo. They are here for me though, as you haven't really been. I know it's not intentional but that is how I feel. I was seriously thinking of leaving for my own happiness, and truthfully still am. I know a couple moving to Texas at the end of this month who would like someone to keep up there house since they work such long hours, and be home when they can't for there son. That is why I've been so distant lately, becouse I didn't know how to tell you. Well mote point now you saw my changed slave register. Wasn't how I wanted to talk to you. I don't want to deal with this right now. Guess what I want matters little? I am so confused and dead inside right now. Life is just always the same day after day till I want to scream. I know you would never understand how I could love those I've never talked to or met, but I can and do very much so. I've developed more self worth in there believe in me then ever before. You wanted to know who MLL and MLNL are? They are a couple that has shown me nothing but love and kindness. They wanted me to move to Texas with them and look after there house since they both work long hours. Now I'm talking in circles becouse I'm so lost and upset. I do truly care for them even though you say you can't know people you haven't met. I've truly tried to be happy, but maybe I'm unhappy anywhere. I just don't know anymore. I was not trying to lie or deceive you just didn't now how to talk to you and still don't. I've tried to let you know when I feel neglected yet it's done no good. I've written in my blog how I feel, and I get the same assurances and promises over and over yet things might change for a week up to a month, then everything goes back to the same. Today was the first time in months that you tried to kiss me or hold my hand. Last night was the first time in over a month you touched me, and no I didn't want to be touched. I'm tired of your schedule and your time. Truly I don't want to be your slave I'd rather if you want to try again just be a normal nilla couple with kinky bedroom play. Are you going to listen what I want or ignore it? I can't kneel and serve you when my heart isn't in it and right now my heart isn't in it. I thought about leaving within a week, and just not coming back. I'd already decided that was the wrong path and I needed to talk to you, but I'm not saying I'm going to stay. I'm tired of going around in circles with you year after year and hearing the same promises and you saying you'll take care of stuff and it not getting done. Bills going unpaid, courts as well that needs to be paid. I just can't handle things anymore...

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