My apologies for last couple of days. I reacted like a five year old had my tantrum, yelled, screamed, threw things now it's back to being an adult which sucks. I'm still sad, angry, and heart broken, but that doesn't change the way I feel. That won't change at all. I do know this was for the best, doesn't mean I have to like it. Nor does it mean I am not angry at Master. He is Master and it was his right to refuse me though it still hurts like hell that he didn't even let us give it a try. Truthfully I should have talked to him more, but I couldn't. He didn't want this anyway so he'd just be happy its over. Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit but that's how I feel. He is so afraid of loosing me, and wants me to be happy with just him. I wish I was truly, and I do love him dearly. It is getting better with more play, and more time spent in each other's company. We wasted so many years ignoring each other, and not caring what the other needed or wanted. Needs and wants has been a hot topic in some forums I'm in lately. More accurately needs vs. wants. What I is a submissive feels I need are usually just wants that I don't need and can live without even though at times I feel that's not true. I want sex, I want Domination, I want control, I want to be made to feel sexy and loved, I want an open and honest relationship where we can talk about anything. I need food, shelter, and medical care. As I tell my kid all the time no one says what kind of food, or how bad the shelter has to be. He is my Dominant and though I don't agree I have to abide by what he says. I gave him that right when I accepted him as my Dominant. Doesn't mean like in this instant I won't throw a fit stomp my feet and cry when I loose someone I cared so much for, because he refused to let us give it a chance. Long as he knows the more that is taking from me the unhappier I'll get till I feel like bolting again. I do not want it to get to that point which is why I liked the honesty in the lifestyle so much. Yet I was very honest and open about my relationship and the fact that it was helping me to be a better person, and it got me nowhere. So now I'm trying not to let that effect the honesty but it does. If he cared so little about my views in this matter maybe he wont care about my views in others so why bother sharing? Ah well now I'm just rambling......
