Scattered thoughts

I'm very lucky to have so many very caring friends online. Lately I've been extremely depressed for no real apparent reason. I guess I've felt like things were starting to go back to how they have always been. I was promised this wouldn't happen ever again, yet things always go back to the way they were. Least I've learned not to let it bottle up anymore. I will speak up then things will change once more for a while. Do I really have to walk right up and say hey I need attention...not tomorrow not next week right now! When depressed I eat to much, don't want to exercise, and completly stop writing. Pretty much just shut out the world and wallow in self pity. It's hard to get out of a funk like that. Something has to change. I've changed so much in the last few years, and I will not settle for being unhappy any longer. I know what I like and need and if I'm not getting it where I'm at maybe I need to think about looking elsewhere. That is not a solution I even really want to consider and hope it won't ever come to that, but that is how I feel. I will enjoy life and not just let it pass me by anymore. I've missed out on enough. There are still so many things I want to do and try. I can only hope my partner decides he wants to be by my side for everything, and not let me slip away again...

Sighs and heartaches

I know haven't posted here in a while. Guess haven't really had much to say. Master is being more Masterfull then ever. Still seems like not much playtime, but other things takes precedence now and then. Not a big deal really though I do miss it when we don't get that time. Today it's another thing that has brought me here to put down my feelings. Everyone knows I care very much for someone on line. I've not hidden it from Master, but he has refused to approve it or let me call her Mistress. Tonight I got the pretty much lets be friends speech. I understand her reasons, becouse without Master saying yes there is not much she can do to help or guide me. Still it hurts like hell. I'm angry at him, and at myself. I've been nothing but honost about this from the begining now i'm going to loose one of the brightest spots in my life, becouse he doesn't see how much she means to me. I know we can just be friends, but it's just not the same. I want to scream and howl smashing my fist into a wall to let out my agony, but after convincing my friend today that cutting wasn't the answer to her pain what kind of hypocrit would I be if I went that route. She has helped me to be a better person, and guided me so much that now I feel a bit cut loose and adrift. Truthfully I think she has been trying to tell me this for a while, but wasn't sure of my reaction so was hesitent. My heart hurts though I knew this would come in the end. I want to rile at Master, but what good would it do? His word maybe law, but it hurts that he cares so little for my feelings as to completly not listen to me about something that really meant so much to me. Thinking of vanishing for a time. Yea I fucked up agian going through my mind. I know it wouldn't last why would anyone want me...yea i'm a little out of it right now. Tears running down my face blinding me. No worries i'll get over it what choice do I have?

The tears fall endlessly
my heart torn in pieces
like sharp jagged pieces of glass
digging at my insides
I rock and shake
holding myself tightly
wanting to vanish
wishing I was dead
no pain ever again
just endless peace and quiet
not wanting to feel, hear, or see
those that cause such pain
itching to be free
of this mind fuck game
killing time till time dies
and I drift away
free at last
able to be me
till then I ache and hurt
as my heart gets stomped on
time and again
screaming out I fucking hate this
not caring if I'm damning myself
just wanting to be free....