Sunday, January 4, 2009

Long time

I haven't written here in longer then I care to think about. Why that is I have no clue...or maybe I do. It never did any good so why bother I guess. Nothing ever seems to change and life just gets more complicated daily not less. Went to Texas twice and loved it there, but it changed nothing. I flirt and find so many to love, but none I think will truly love me. They all say they do, but maybe I don't love myself enough to believe it from anyone. I know I'm just heading for disaster, becouse I do care so much for each and every person I talk to. When I'm talking to them they are my existence, the reason for my being, and everything I need and want. Then when there busy its just back to my own empty life the feeling just grows and grows till I find someone else to fill that void. Nothing ever seems to matter. Ed keeps trying but for me the trust is gone, and it's not coming back. I'm just so done. I feel like I am just doing time here waiting for something better to come along, and I know that's not fair to anyone. As for Texas yes that's a possibility and I know they want it to be more, but I'm starting to have serous doubts. When I was there for a week before Xmas the one I love left me sleeping to go to the bar. I was only there a few days, she could not wait just a few days to head there. Since I've come back she never texts or calls me. Makes me feel that I will be spending a lot of time alone if I go there, and the whole point of me going is to not be alone. God life is so complicated, and I have not got a clue where to go or what to do. I am hopelessly addicted to the feeling of being loved, but I'm afraid I'm unlovable which makes it hard for me to truly let go and let people inside to discover the real me. I have another girl I had started talking to before I went to Texas. She loves me with a passion that knows no bounds, and she makes me so happy. We talk for hours every day, and yet still I flirt and play with others. Makes me think maybe even that is doomed. I try not too, but I just can't stop. It's like a drug in my system. I have no answers only more questions as every day passes. I'm stuck on a merry go round that never stops. Just goes faster and faster till everything is blurred. Even the pain I used to love brings no clarity anymore. All I am, and all I will ever be is lost somewhere so far away not sure if can ever be found...

No comments: