Sunday, October 19, 2008
Only two more days till I go to Texas to finally see Ben and Daphne. I feel like I've known them forever though its been less then two years. I'm really excited and nervous even though I know they work hard, and I'll probably hardly see them while I'm there. Plus Ms. Nita is coming up to be with me and I'm more nervous about that. I'm petrified in fact, and I try real hard not to let that show. She wants me to come home with her for a few weeks, but I really don't want too. I like having the buffer of my friends there for this first most important meeting between us. Plus every time I go her house is so chaotic it makes me very upset and I'm not there. The whole point of this time is to get away from the stress levels and relax again. Something that happened yesterday proved that I need it very much. Got into a fight with Ed which we had not done in a long time and he said some very hurtful things then stormed out of house and did not return for hours. I was upset and punching the wall was not giving me the relieve it normally does. I downed three beers way to fast for someone that hardly ever drinks got all melancholy and even more moody. Well I cut myself a few times. Not badly but one time went a little deeper then I intended. Was very stupid and I know better but hate to say it did help. I felt better after. I was still pretty upset though and Nita called to talk to me, but soon as she did her son in law Mike started screaming at her to get off phone he needed it right that instant. This is something that happens constantly when we are on phone together and I just lost it. I hung up on her something I'd never even think of doing normally. I just really don't want to be in that environment where they can not communicate without yelling at each other or loosing tempers. I do not think I'd enjoy it there at all unfortunately. Tried talking to her about it, but I guess I did not make her understand how I felt. I do understand she wants to get to know me surrounded by things that are of comfort to her in her home turf, but I am not sure I'll feel comfortable there with my feelings about things right now. I'm really starting to feel a little lost and confused again lately and just unsure about a lot of things. I thought me and Ed were getting along good even though there are a lot of issues still until yesterday. Apparently we were not. Sometimes I just want to bash my head into a wall for a while till the pain stops. I'm trying to just concentrate on the goals I've set for myself and let everything else fade for a while. I want to get a job soon as I get back and get my own vehicle so I don't feel trapped here with no money anymore. After that I just don't know truly...maybe I'll get the answers during this trip.