Thursday, September 25, 2008

Life sux

Yes has been forever since I posted last. As I've said before I don't like to post negativity and lately that's all I've had. I care deeply for my husband, but the trust is shattered and I'm not sure that will ever come back. I know I'm hurting him and he's pushing me away big time right now, becouse of that. Even though I've been hurting from his coldness for 18 years that does not make it right. I try very hard to ask Nita not to call while he's around so as not to hurt him, but I understand her point as well. She has dealt with his perimeters for a year now and respected what he said and he treated her like dirt and tried to push her away and break us up. No she does not respect him very much, and why should she he has not earned that respect through his actions. I know he's trying right now, but I also know it won't last. He is starting to understand sex is a weapon but it won't control me anymore. I should not have to beg and plead to get a little attention that should rightfully be mine. I want to be with someone that wants the same things I do. Love, family, romance, and finding happiness in just being together. Taking walks, cuddling on the couch, or just holding hands. I know Nita loves me unconditionally but even in that relationship there are issues that need to be addressed. Every time we talk she's yelling and screaming at her daughters boyfriend and I really don't want to be around so much negativity. It effects me badly. She had so many goals and dreams when she got away from her family now she's back that all seems to have flown out the window, and that bothers me. Now I'm free to do whatever without worrying about hurting someone else I've also discovered I'm a huge flirt. The thing is I'm way to nice, and when someone shows an interest in me I give them signals I probably should not, and I have way to many wanting more then just friendship. Luckily all online, but I know I need to start watching myself. I'm just not sure how to be friendly without being flirty and inviting. I love all the attention which makes me seek it out more. I have always felt like I was not good enough, and have always had low self esteem so the fact all these gorgeous woman not only want me but want to spend there lives making me happy is just simply amazing to me. In highschool I was so painfully shy and so angst ridden that I did not have time to discover the power of sexuality. It's a heady thing and one not to be taking lightly. Its been so hard the last few months, becouse I do miss the control and play time I had with my husband, but I know every time I give him an inch he wants a mile. Plus if we play or kiss just once he thinks every thing is better, and its not. Why should I believe this time will be any different from the millions of times before? He will change to win me back then go back to the same destructive habits he's always had. Its a never ending viscous cycle and one I'm more then happy to not be on anymore. I'm just not wanting to deal with it anymore. I'd like to stay here for the next year for Katie's sake, but if he keeps pushing and throwing his fits I will find someplace else to go. I do have a lot of loving caring friends I know would offer me sanctuary if I so needed it. I just don't want to be beholden to anyone, and its hard not having money or a vehicle right now. Sometimes I wonder if life is even worth it...

No comments: