Sunday, October 28, 2007

Sadness dancing in my soul

Once again we are at this point. I know you have seen the distance that has grown between us. There is a rift that is always there, but at times its a chasm that can't be crossed at all. That is were we are right now. I promised you a year when I came back last years. That year is almost up, and to me we are at the same place we were then. I have tried not to seek love from others, but sometimes I am so lonely and bored I can't help but reach out. As long as we've been together I do not truly think either of us were ever truly happy with the other. As much is it pains me to hurt you I think at some point in our lives we have to say enough is enough. I do not want to hurt you by my actions anymore, and I'm sure you do not wish to hurt me anymore either. I truly think we need to go our separate ways at last, and hopefully remain friends. Truly I do not think it matters where I go though to you I know it will. I have had so many over the last year offer me a place to stay till I get on my feet. Not as a sub, but as a friend. Katie even knows how much I hurt at times we have discussed it. She has said time and again she wants to stay with you. She thinks you would not be able to survive without her. Plus she loves her school and has no wish to move. I truly think we need to start making the arrangements necessary to end the pain and heartache for both of us. You can not keep ignoring my posts if they don't please you. Not once but several times I told you that the BDSM relationship wasn't work out between us. Yet you would not let it drop, becouse you liked having some control over our relationship at last. I think its telling even my dog tag is starting to rust. I could say so many reasons why that relationship didn't work same as our vanilla relationship, but I just want to say a friendly goodbye work things out and leave on good terms. I've stayed so long not only for Katie, but becouse I was afraid for you if I left. Now I have to just say your responsible for your own actions and hope for Katie's sake that to be true. No one has coerced me away this has been a long time coming. I would like to take the car least till I get a job and can afford another. If you do not wish to depend on your mother though I will understand and make do. Katie will love the new computer if you go get it next month. It would be a great Christmas gift for her. Truly I would like to start divorce before I leave, but if you are not ready for that I won't push it. I hate to say that I regret ever marrying. So many times I've looked at it as one of my biggest mistakes, and I'm so sorry for that. I'm not saying we didn't have a good life, and lots good in it. All I'm saying is for me most times the pain outweighed the happiness. You and Katie have always been a unit. You like the same things and get along so well together. I was always the one left out. The third wheel that was just dragged along behind you two. Truthfully I probably would have been gone long ago. I've always been afraid to be on my own, and thought I needed someone. I still feel that way, but its time to discover myself and try. I am so hidden, and keep so much inside till I explode. I do not want to be like that anymore. I tried honesty with you when I started this blog, and got in trouble several times for saying what was on my mind. Thats when I stopped writing here every day. Even when I told you how much something meant to me your own feelings mattered more. OK enough here. I said wasn't going to say anything, and I'm not. I did plenty wrong myself, and hurt you more times then I care to count. As said its just time for all the pain to end......

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