Sunday, January 6, 2008


I've been a manic depressive for more years then I care to recall. Anything sets me off. Perceived slights that aren't there, thinking people don't like me, or just having an off day. Then I get depressed, and sulk sinking inside myself so the problem gets worse not better. I learned a long time ago to wear a mask so no one knows my inner self. I felt protected that way. To let others really know your heart and desires is to open yourself up to pain and heartbreak. At last that is what I always believed. I'm trying to change my way of thinking, but its not easy. I know I deserve happiness, and should be proud of who I am damn anyone who thinks otherwise. Yet still maintaining eye contact, or speaking up when I want to is not coming easily to me. I create issues that aren't even there, because I'm insecure and needy, and I don't want to be like this anymore. Why does it matter if someone says hey look at all you did today..good girl? I should be able to say that to myself and be proud without needing others affirmation of my actions. I can write this, and see this to be true but putting words to action is another thing entirely Having skin problems all my life, and asthma, and hearing problems have not helped my self esteem any at all. If I don't like to look at myself in the mirror why would anyone else want to look at me? Hell I can't even give a good blow job without having to stop to take a breath, and it pisses me off. Now I've been searching for a job for two months and haven't got one call back. This is not helping me at all. I've never had a problem finding a job at least, so what is the problem now? I see signs everywhere now hiring, yet I apply and nothing. On top of everything else I know my husband and daughter truly want me to come back home, and he is trying hard to change at last. They were changes that should have been made a very long time ago, but he is trying. Thing is once again do I deserve the happiness I have found where I'm at? Don't I at almost 36 years old believe I'm capable of my own decisions and making my own life at last? I choose to be where I'm at, and am finding peace for myself here. I do not want to go back to the life I had before. I was always at the beck and call of others there, and got no acknowledgments for anything I did. From morning to night I was doing for everyone, but myself and was stretched very thin. I was always worried about hurting someones feelings so never said no to anything, even if it got to be too much and I couldn't handle it. OK there's my rant for the day. Please ignore sometimes you just have to rant to move on...

1 comment:

subleigh said...

I know how you feel believe me and you should expect people to acknowledge if you do a good job Sorry but they should point that out..everyone needs a little reassurance when they do a job well.
I am always here for you
hugs and gropes