Saturday, June 23, 2007
Well have managed to stick with the swimming so far, and did a lot of cleaning today. Had one mountain dew, but that was it for the caffeine all day.
I've been thinking a lot about where I am, and how I got here so think might take the time to just go over the past a bit here. I am the youngest of four girls. My father is navy and was never around growing up. That left my mom in charge who was so busy with my more difficult sisters had little or no time with me. I was the baby, the tattle tale, and whatever other hurtful annoying names my sisters could come up with though I worshiped the ground they walked on. From early on I was the nourish er. I cooked and cleaned, and didn't cause trouble. My father used to always say that's woman's work, when anything came up in the kitchen. He might have been joking, but I heard him say it all my life. Me and all my sisters but one were tom boys. We climbed tree's and hung out with the neighborhood boys more then girls. For me it was very difficult making new friends. I was painfully shy, and having a learning problem, hearing problem, and speech problem didn't make things easier. We moved every two or three years so I learned not to keep up with friends. It was just a fact that we would eventually leave anyway. When I was about 15 we moved to Merritt Island for what would be our last move. My dad retired here though he still works on missiles. I was still shy, and probably needy as well. I put up a tough front to hide my shyness from others. I was in ROTC which didn't help my image any..lol. My first boyfriend was much older then me, had a car, and I would do anything he asked. He moved back to his home town after a year, and I was devastated. After that I probably latched on to any guy that paid attention to me. I carried a switch blade, and drank a lot and tried to get rid of my good girl image. I hung out with guys much older then me, and they were jerks to me. During this time my next oldest sister got pregnant she had already had an abortion when she was 14, and this pregnancy started a civil war in my home. I'd hang out with anyone to not be around. I just wanted out. I had tried committing suicide and wrote very dark painful poems, and after my mom found out they took me to one psychiatrist that was an absolute jerk. I had only one visit but he told my parents that I had to much responsibility and shouldn't help watch my young nephews anymore. Now they were the only thing keeping me sane at the time. They were snatched away and constantly told not to bother Aunt Kim even though I had practically helped raise them. I met an old boyfriend and started hanging out at his apartment just to be away from my home. One of his roommates was disabled but cute as all get out, and sweet as can be. He did my math homework for me and we ended up spending a lot of time together. At the time he had gorgeous blond hair and the brightest blue eyes, and looked like a surfer guy which is something I had a thing for. I didn't know till later it was dyed. First time I met his mother she called me a bitch for going out with his roommate. Said I must not have brains and I didn't even know the lady so we got off to a good start. she didn't know at the time I was already going out with her son. Well I pretty much packed my stuff and moved out of home. Actually there was very little said about it. My parents just sat and watched me carry my stuff out of the house. I was a senior at this time, and knew I was going to fail anyway from my inability to pass basic math, because of my dyslexia. It was easy to wake up in Ed's arms and complain about not wanting to get up. He would snuggle me and say don't then. He enabled me to be a quitter. I know that's not fair, but he was just so easy going and he would pretty much do anything to make me happy. I do not think that's what I needed, but that's what he gave. He was on disability so I got a job and he stayed home. Our first year we had lots of arguments usually because I couldn't articulate what I wanted or needed from our relationship. I'd get mad and jump the wall behind our apartment knowing it would take him twenty minutes to push to wear I was. I found out about job corp and signed up to go to Kentucky. I'd learn a skill, and get my GED at the same time. Sounded good to me. The job skill they had promised me was fire fighting I found out after I got there they'd tell you anything to get you there. Guess they got commission or something. I ended up taking auto mechanics. Only problem was the vehicles at the camp were all old fords that were basically easy to fix and really didn't train you in any way shape or from to deal with working in today's garages. All the people there were mainly people who had a choice jail or job corp so was a good crowd. Mean time Ed called me all the time, and he was very whiny wanted me to come home, missed me, couldn't go out and do anything. He was disabled and had pretty much always had friends or family around to help him out. I was angry he was putting pressure on me to come home when I was trying to better my life. I'd stopped writing my poems because I really trusted his opinion and he just couldn't understand my dark statements, and so I felt he didn't like them. He thought they were weird, strange, and disturbing so I didn't even have that to keep me sane. Well there was nothing to do but sneak out into the mountains with guys, so that is what we did. The guy I used for companionship was nicknamed preacher. He was great always cheerful, and always helping others out. He was training to be a cook, but same thing there all they cooked was the slop we ate so wasn't really training. Well after I found out I was pregnant I didn't know what to do. I knew my parent's would not even take me back knowing the father was black. I was tired of job corp I had my GED and wanted to go home. They didn't want to let me go. Ed fought to make them let me come home. There medical faculties sucked, and there was no counseling. Though they had flown me out, job corp made me take a bus back home. Ed pretty much did anything I asked when I got back home. He ran my bath for me, made me food, whatever I asked. He didn't want to loose me. The father actually came down once without warning. He called from the bus station. Ed was very upset and didn't want me to go meet him so we just had a phone conversation. He asked if I'd give the baby his last name, I asked if he was going to pay child support. The answer was he had no money and no job. He had left job corp without his GED or the job training program completed. That was the last I ever heard from him. He even accused me of lying about being pregnant. Ed thought this was for the best. He couldn't have children and this was his daughter that's all there was to it. Well soon as Katie was born I went back to work fairly quickly. I worked at a pet store in the mall, and a lot of times Ed would go with me and just push her around in a stroller bringing her to me when she was hungry. I would breast feed her in the back. We knew early on there was problems with her. She had bad skin rashes, were the skin was actually open and raw. We fought for months to get her diagnosed. We were told baby bumps to aids, but no one had answers or remedy's. She was finally diagnosed by a skin doctor. Hystiocytosis X was the answer we were looking for but didn't want. She needed chemo. Within a week we were traveling to Tampa to a cancer hospital. Her first stay was three weeks. After that it was probably one to two weeks every month we were headed up there, so of course we moved up there. Our daughter took all our concentration fighting doctors, and family members who thought they knew best. Just because we were medicaid we must be poor white trash is what we saw in there manner and eyes. It was a constant battle. Master finally went to work, because we just couldn't afford everything anymore. I got a security license and started working nights. I worked all night so I could be at the hospital and dealing with Katie all day. I would work all night come home take Ed to work, take Katie to medicaid preschool and try to get a few hours sleep before doing it all again. I did this for years, and was always cranky and tired. I'm sure I wasn't pleasant to be around. After she finally started getting better at around five years of age she stopped needing chemo. Ed found he could transfer to Orlando for work and we thought that would be better. Move closer to my family. His family had followed us to Tampa and even lived with us for a while. Well we didn't' realize how hard it would be to find a place to live. They gave us a temporary apartment, but we applied everywhere and got approved no where. Our credit was shot. We ended up moving back to my parents house that I had fought so hard to leave. Ed finally agreed to marry me. We went to the court house on Valentines day and got hitched at last after years of living in sin. I do not even know why we did it. We told no one only one there was our daughter. I never changed my name. During this time Ed had a major leg infection and they amputated one leg. He asked to have the other done to make it easier to get around. He was giving Oxycontin to control pain, and that's where I think our life really went hey wire were we are concerned. I believe he got addicted. He started sleeping all day, and did nothing basically. That's when I started spending a lot of time online. We hardly touched each other or spent time with each other. He had has TV programs and his computer and I had mine. We were basically strangers living in same house. I got involved online with several that I was very close too. My friends were all online. The guys I met made me feel special and loved which I wasn't getting at home. One actually had come from Florida and he moved back down. Yes I left and went and saw him several times staying for a few days at a time when work allowed. Ed was devastate I don't think till then he knew there was a problem. John the guy started pestering me about moving in with him, and bringing Katie. I really hate to say I was just using him for the closeness I was missing at home. I didn't want to move in with him, and sure wasn't bringing Katie into that so that ended that relationship. We still talk and he still flirts and tells me how much he misses me and wants to be with me. All online of course. I think he'd flirt no matter who he was with. That was on of the major issues I had with him. Well this made my relationship with Ed worse. I started spending even more time online in chat rooms looking for I don't know what. That's where I met someone that introduced me to BDSM now that I know more I know he was a user and knew nothing of true submission, but I knew nothing then. I started looking up stuff and learning and I was hooked. He didn't last long as said he was just a user and quickly moved on, while I searched for true submission. Someone that would take me and make me there's. I probably made every mistake out there that they warn new subbies about. I went and spent a week with a poly couple. I wasn't attractive enough for them. After I came back Ed finally talked to me, and said look if this is what you want then I'm your Master. That's it. So we have been working on it ever since. Our love life is vastly improved though sometimes I still feel neglected and act bratty to get attention. I do think he could learn more, and a mentor would greatly help, but Master is very jealous and now that he has his girl back he doesn't wish to share her with anyone. I still go online and play but it is for fun not for the attention I was seeking as much. there are times I still get depressed and just need someone to be there for me, and do have certain friends I go to for that. I still think we have a long way to go, but we've come a long way and am sure we will get there.