confessions

My Dearest Master,

Well it's been a very rocky road for us, and some reason the path doesn't seem to be getting clearer does it? I have to give you my apologies I know I've been a SAM lately. I've been pushing and pushing just to get you to push back, but your to even tempered to take the bait. I've purposely stayed on chat when you've told me to get off, and have logged on when you've told me not to. Why do I try to push you to your limit? I can't answer that in all truthfulness? Maybe I'm trying to get you to show reaction. Maybe I am a pain slut and crave the punishment, or maybe it's just to see if your paying attention or not. I can't self analyze myself, but I know it's wrong and I shouldn't be doing so. Though to be honest I'll probably keep doing so. You know I spend most of my time online with the one known as MsSquirt and I know you don't approve and won't let me officially call her my Domme though I love her with all my heart. I know I've hurt you in the past and your afraid I'll leave,but that is the furthest thing from my mind. MsSquirt makes me feel so good about myself, and makes me a better person just by knowing her. Yes I'd like to develop a relationship with her including visits and phone calls, but it would never take me from you. You've said you need time, but it's been months and the answer from you is still no so I sneak to see her, because I can't give her up. I don't want lies or dishonesty between us anymore. That is what attracted me to the lifestyle n the first place. You told me no assignments from her yet I still do them if she asks because I know she has my best interests at heart and everything she gives me to do improves and makes me a better person. You can ban me from talking to her, but then I'd still be sneaking behind your back and I don't want this. I don't want to be frustrated and thinking of leaving anymore. I want honesty and understanding and maybe I'm asking for too much. Honesty is really hard for me and just writing this knowing it will hurt you tears me up inside as well. Most of the times in our life when I have been dishonest it was because I knew something would hurt you. For me I'm so empathetic with what others are feeling I feed off that so there pain hits me harder then my own. If I'm around motivated people then I'm more motivated and that is something this family isn't very at all. If I saw someone else cleaning doing something then I do more, and in our house no one does much of anything. So yes I sit and say this this and this should be done, and yet might do one of those things I have going in my head. I don't want to be like this and don't know how to change. Just the fact that I've stuck with the no caffeine and swimming daily shows that I can do things even without encouragement or help. I want to improve myself and go further then I've gone before. I want to be a better person, and I need help do to that. You've always been an enabler for me. Unfortunitly not in a good way. If I'm sick and whiny you let me call out of work more often then not. If I'm whining about wanting caffeine you tell me to go get some even if I'm trying to give it up. If I don't want to do something right away you say fine do it later. Well I guess you see what I mean. When I first met you and was still in high school when I didn't want to go you encouraged me to stay home. So the pattern started early in our relationship. I realize that you were just trying to let me do what I wanted to do and in that way show your love for me, but it has not helped me to be a better person. I think we both need to improve ourselves and get our lives on track. How can you be in control of me when you can't take charge of yourself? I'm tired of when I ask Katie to do something or my mother does you say she's done enough or don't bother her. We ask her to do very little and I'm proud of her when she does help out. Your being her enabler too and letting her get away with just sliding through life, and I don't want this anymore. The room issue is just out of hand anymore. There is no reason she should not have had it clean months ago, but you let her make excuses stop to watch TV and whatever else she can think of to procrastinate and not do it. We are all huge procrastinators and I really would like to see that come to an end. We're just skating through life not making a difference not doing anything, and I just feel that's so wrong. I want to feel good about my decisions every day. I want people to look at me and know they can depend on me if they need to. This marathon all day TV watching of yours is that any better then me being on here chatting? I'm sorry Sir I'm not trying to make you feel bad, and am sure I have but this is stuff that has been festering inside ready to boil over forever. I've said nothing, because I'm so scared of making people angry, hurt, or upset but I don't want to keep things bottled up till the explode in unhealthy ways anymore. When I say something and you hush me up or tell me you've taking care of it and you haven't it really hurts me. This bit with you thinking your protecting us and making us happy spending money on other stuff besides bills has got to stop. Bills first before play. I've said all along that I've grown up since I've been with you and you've never changed. Can you change? Can you be a responsible adult in charge of not only his life but his wifes and daughters as well? Your always going to be on pain meds there's always going to be stress but this can't be used as excuses anymore. I know it's hard to get up and get moving and the depression wears you down. I know this. Watching you sit day after day watching same TV shows drinking tons of soda letting life just pass by is killing me. I had one goal in high school get away from my parents and never come back. This is where we are now. Is owning your own home such a huge goal its impossible? I lied when i said I wasn't thinking of leaving anymore earlier in this letter. That's false because I think it all the time. When I ask Katie to do something, and you tell me to leave her alone she's done enough. When we sit watching same damn TV shows over and over, and all you have eyes for is the TV. When I cry myself to sleep at night because I so want you to kiss and touch me and your watching a movie not seeing nor hearing me. When I sit here in the morning for hours all by myself talking to people hundreds of miles away from me knowing it will be hours before either you or Katie stirs and then even longer before your awake enough to think of doing anything. I hurt so bad at times it burns and yet I say and do nothing. I just watch the days pass us by and let ennui slip in. It's not living it's just waiting. Waiting for nightfall so the whole thing can replay day after day merging so hard to tell one day from the next. How long have you been saying you were going to do something about your chair. You just accept they won't replace it won't fix it and you won't fight. Same things with the kids we know were going to have to be responsible we need a place to live were we can take them, and we need a job so we can afford them. These things aren't just going to drop in our lap while we sit idly by. Only took you how many years to take care of my ticket? I hope everything doesn't wait that long to be taking care of I truly do. I do love you, I love the man I see inside of you. The man I want to see come out and take charge. The one that doesn't make excuses that knows who and what he is and is proud of that. It's taking me 35 years to accept who and what I am, how long will it take you?

Submissively,
your dark angel