Sunday, July 22, 2007


Why blog nothing happens in my life anyways? I've turned into a stay at home do nothing mom. Hubby has said over and over he was going to go get a job, but that doesn't seem to be happening. He's also said we'd go look together well that's not happening either so what's the point? Me calling him Master has changed nothing. I thought for a while it did our relationship was better more open and sex was great. Once again that's all falling to the wayside. He promised it wouldn't this time, but it's not the first time I've heard that either. One of the things that so attracted me to the lifestyle was the honesty, but that's not happening here either. If Master doesn't wish to hear what I'm saying he shuts me down before I even can get my plea out. He's not listening to my needs nor meeting them. He didn't even seem to notice that I'd stopped daily blogging. Nor that I had erased all my online yahoo conversations once just cause I was angry. I so want to have a relationship that's honest and open, but if he shuts out the things I say how can that be? He thinks online relationships are false and people are just out to hurt you. I know that's untrue and have had friends online for longer then off line actually. Moving around so much is a kid I got used to making shallow friendships that way saying goodbye and never seeing them again didn't hurt so much. I'm not sure he'll accept me being bi or let me explore that part of me and it really hurts. This is something I've repressed for my whole life, and now I can finally accept it but if he can't I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to repress it anymore. Hell if truth full I'd have probably been a lesbian if I'd have found someone to take me. I grew up with the attitude that it wasn't healthy or right though so I never let it out, but I've dreamed of females long before I ever dreamed of males. Another thing that's bothering me is his refusal to even think about a mentor or playing with others. There is so far I want to go, so much I want to try and do, and I don't see it ever happening with him. Hence I found someone willing to Domme me online take me a bit further, but that was shut down immediately too. He wouldn't even hear how much it meant to me leading to lies that I didn't want. Instead of supporting me and helping me on this journey he took it where he wanted it to go and no further. I'm feeling caged in and helpless. Do I love him? I think I do but it's so muddled through all the pain and heart ache between us. Can we be saved? I just don't know anymore. I thought this would open up our world but instead he's just using the lifestyle to bind me more to his will. Sometimes I wonder if he truly understands the love and trust between a Dom and there sub. How strong the bond is between them. He has to know me as well is I know him, and he never has. He doesn't understand how much I crave touch and need his arms around me at night. How I cry myself to sleep some nights when rebuked for being to bouncy. My body tries to say what my heart and head can not, and all I get is punished for it. I'm sick and tired today. Probably wasn't the best time to try to explain myself, yet the pain was burning inside and had to come out. I hurt the person online that means the most to me and it's tearing me up inside bringing all the old pains so much closer to the surface. In side I'm still the ugly red headed child who'd throw herself at any one for a scrap of affection. The girl who doesn't believe in herself. The one who just wants to stay home and serve and doesn't even do that well. What am I? Nothing and no one.....

1 comment:

Master Ed said...

I am not gonna make a long rambling comment but say a few things. Changes don't come over night. There has been alot of changes made for the good and some maybe not for the good but changes yes. I have been in the lifestyle for a few months and still learning and you know extremely jealous so for me to want to go play with someone else is gonna be a while and you have to wait that time. As a online domme I told you we would discuss it and I would think about it but always in your mind you think things are gonna go against you but yu have to give me time to adjust my thinking...
Will my decision change in a month....Maybe..Probably not but you don't know that and you have to trust me.

As things being hunky dory...Everyday is not going to be exciting and fun. People at our play party I took you too people were saying they were lucky to get together monthly or sometimes longer so I feel we are lucky in that part.

I have been on a medicine that has not been working for months and just got changed over. Yes it is making me feel better but my body needs to adjust to it and then I will be back to my old smartass self.

As in getting a job..See above.Hw do I get a job when I was in pain most of the day. A job would nt keep me with having to leave daily or calling in. Again that is going to change with me getting used to my new medicine.

I dont pay a lot of attention to your yahoo onlines as I do trust you more and know what I do not like there. But there is gonna be times when I dont read them..It is called trust and if it makes you feel bad me not checking on you I will start doing it daily.

If my training is not strict enough maybe I should ratchet it up and give you less and less free time.

This is all I am gonna say. Nothing negative and I will not know what you are thinking if you do not voice opinions to me and let me adjust what I am doing.

Tomorrow is another day and guess training is gonna start being more and more strict.

Love you

Master Ed