Sighs and soda's

Yes soda need it, love it, live for it. Why did I give it up? I know the blog thing has seriously lagged lately. Just not in mood to blog anymore. I blog when I'm happy and I'm not happy often anymore. If I try to put my finger on why I'm not happy I can't. There are moments of happiness but there's more moments of just drifting from moment to moment waiting for the day to end. I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm not sure where I'm going or where I want to be anymore. We went to Master Zooms birthday party a few days ago and that was fun. Several people played and I so wished someone would have volunteered to flog me. I know my husband is trying, and I'm not sure what I'm missing that leaves me looking elsewhere. I don't think it has anything to do with the lifestyle It's just to much past history, pain, and anger that I can't push aside. I still feel lonely and neglected at times, though we do a lot more then we ever used too together. I just don't really feel wanted, needed, or loved here. I know that's not fair or true, but that's how I feel. The power exchange doesn't work here. He takes control only sometimes, when there's a point he's trying to make otherwise I do and get away with everything. Truly accept in the bedroom I'm not sure I'd listen anyway. Sometimes I do other times I just ignore him. Maybe I should try harder to be happy where I'm at. I'm so confused and can't get my own head right maybe that's why I stopped writing.....sighs....thinks about lots a soda.