Monday, February 11, 2008


Yes I am back home again in Florida. I plan on going back to school, though haven't decided for what yet. Being in Georgia and unable to get a job even though I applied all over the place was really getting me down. If I had been able to get my CNA license transfered I could have got a job pretty quickly, but the nurse I used to work for has moved and I can't get a hold of her so that didn't work. I was not asked to relinquish my collar when I came back home, even though I did let them know I was going to give Ed a second chance. I'm sure they think I'm foolish, but we have been together for 18 years. That's a long time to give up on. If things work out between me and Ed they might ask for there collar back. I do not know what the future will bring. I'm still feeling a bit lost and confused here. I had a daily routine in Georgia and I have felt a bit lost without it here. I'm very confused about everything, and just letting Ed touch me again takes will power on my part. Some times I want to lean into him other times I want to just pull away. I have no clue why this is. He does get me though. He will scratch my head or back till I'm whimpering in ecstasy. When he calls me his good puppy and scratches me I'm just lost in that persona. I can just curl up and be puppy begging for love and attention. I do not think anyone who has not experienced this could understand what I mean. In Georgia there was so many times I wanted to just sit at my owners feet and be puppy, but I never felt it was appropriate or felt comfortable doing so. So many times I'd just sit and watch Mistress's feet wishing I could take off her shoes and lick and suck them, but I didn't feel it would be welcomed. There was just tension between us that I didn't know how to approach or end. I loved everyone in that house greatly, but still felt so lost and alone at times. There just wasn't enough open communication or play time. I admit I'm a bit of a nymph o and love sex. When I lost the right to sleep in Master's bed there I admit it hurt badly. I assumed I would be giving a chance to earn that right back, but that never happened. Basically a lot of the reasons I left home in the first place were being repeated there. We were just a bunch of roommates living under one roof. Everyone did there own thing, but we rarely did things together as a family. The Master/slave relationship as I know it just felt completly missing from the equation. I was very rarely giving tasks or commanded to do anything. Yes I knew what needed doing, and I did it. Still its just not the same is it? Me and Krystal were both hoping to be tied up together and used, but that never happened either. I know real life gets in the way, but sometimes you just have to make things happen. Truthfully none of this Matters I love them greatly, and always will. I'm just not sure I could go back and live in the same conditions again. My depression was just raging out of control there, and I didn't know how to stop the pain. Writing here has always been one of my biggest outlets and for some reason it wasn't appreciated and got me in trouble, so I stopped. Being able to write once again and get things out feels so good. It's almost cathartic to me. I hope to be a part of the Bearz family forever, but if they want to release me I'd gladly send them there collar back even though it would hurt greatly. In fact if Ed has done everything he says he is and continues doing so I might take his collar back, and I don't know if I could have two at once. The intricateness of it would be mind boggling to say the least. Everything happens for a reason we just have to open our eyes to see what's before and behind us. Nothing is lost so long as we learn from it. I've learned a lot about myself, and my needs and I plan on continuing to grow and learn. I think that's all any of us can do....


Holly Golightly said...

wow! welcome home girl! I understand a lot of what you are feeling. I have very similar feelings as well. I myself have been struggling lately. a lot has happened. maybe now that you have computer time back you will find a chance to check up on my blog and see what's been going on with me. I agree that the venting and blogging helps with the depression. I know it helps me! I wish you all the best and i am glad you are back at home.

Master Ed said...

I have always loved and welcomed the blogging here and elsewhere. Not all of it was ever good when it came to me but it helped me grow both as a man and as a Master. I love that I have my puppy back at my feet and beside me at night and in the morning. Our lives will grow and flourish like the flower that you are to me. We will experience new and beautiful things together. And I will not request or demand for you to take their collar off till you are sure in both your heart and mind. And at that time you will become "Master Ed's little puppy".


subleigh said...

huggggs Sis
I know you are and were very confused and I am always here to listen and offer up whatever advice I can.
I am glad that things are getting happier for truly deserve it
love ya sis