Friday, May 30, 2008


I've been thinking a lot about who I am lately. Putting what I've discovered into words isn't easy though. I've always been very shy, and more worried about others opinions rather then my own. Having my computer in the same room as my Master's has been a real challenge, becouse knowing he can turn around and read what I've written at any time really gets to me. I haven't written very many poems or stories since I've been home becouse of this. My mind just always seems to be seething lately and no way to calm it. Discovering myself, and finding ways to improve who I am is easier said then done. I truly feel like my life has been a waste with me contributing nothing of worth to anyone or anything. In this day and age what do we strive for? We work just to barely eke out a living daily. At least when we struggled for food, shelter, and survival we knew that what we did made a difference. Now it just seems we struggle all our lives for love, acceptance, and understanding but most never achieve those goals. Only through serving do I at times feel that I've contributed something of worth. All my life I've served, but never received anything in return. I've always felt it was my place to be in the shadows unobserved and uncared for. Embracing the lifestyle has brought many things to my attention. One my service is a desirable commodity and one I owe no one. Another is that I do have a voice and my opinions matter though I'm still having a hard time with that one. Pain is a catharsis that frees my soul helping me feel so alive. I crave more even is it scares me at times. Anything is better then going through life numb just existing never living. When receiving pain, and sex its the only time my body lights up and feels alive. Animal play frees me to just be without thoughts of pleasing others, and what anyone thinks. I can just come alive and act on instinct. I've been so starved for affection my whole life, but never knew how to give or receive it. Stunted I searched for what was missing in my life, but like someone that had never seen the sun I was blinded and confused and never knew what true affection was. Being a pup or pony I can lick, rub up, and lean against even strangers and have that affection returned in a brisk rub or petting. Still I seek and search even as I know not what I'm searching for. Maybe I can just never be satisfied. I'm so confused and lost at times I feel that I'll never find my way. My fears still hold me back from truly trying to live. The only thing I've ever felt I've done well is my writing and yet I'm so scared to truly try to make something of it that I give up before even starting. Rejection looms in my soul before I even start like a wall staring me in the face keeping me from moving forward. I know I'm my own worse critic always. Nothing I do is ever good enough, and never will be. I go through each day hardly ever accomplishing anything and I disappoint myself daily. Relinquishing control to another is maybe my way of not facing myself. Now its not my fault the things that needed to do aren't done daily right? I do not know if I'll ever be able to purge this blackness out of my soul and truly be free to live. Not just exist but live and be proud of who and what I am. I want to contribute to the world, and give of myself. I want to make a difference in others lives. I'm tired of living cramped in my box letting no one, and nothing in. I'm tired of gray days and gloomy nights. I'm tired of crying my eyes out wishing things would change even as I feel nothing I do will ever change things. Slavery is just an extension of myself. I've been a slave to my own fears and insecurities my whole life. The collar and leash is just an outward extension of my inner demons. I crave the feel even as I fight it. Same as I have embraced the numbness inside while trying to break free from it. All of this just brings anger that I do not know how to suppress or express properly. It seethes always inside till little things make me explode for no reason. I can't even play simple games without loosing my temper when things don't go my way. There's no where to channel this rage inside. I don't know if a million lifetimes would be enough to learn to love, and live with myself without hatred, fear, and disgust. How can I expect anyone else to embrace me when I can't not embrace myself? The darkness inside has gone on so long its like it fills up my whole self with no light showing through at all. Each day I exist a blight on society contributing nothing. I'm struggling hard to find the light, and pray one day not only will I find it but it will shine through so brightly that others will seek it out in me like I have in others....

1 comment:

subleigh said...

Hugs for you sis
I know exactly what you are saying believe me.
You have such a way with words I surely do not want you to give up writing and I know its hard when he is right there and can read every word you write .
Any time you want to talk just call me I am always here for you
I love ya sis