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So I went through my yahoo list and deleted all the people I talked to long ago, and don't anymore. I got rid of everyone out of my address book there too. Why keep them if they never talk to me anymore? I am letting go of the past in order to try and find my future. Today I've had major brain fog all day long. Just could not think. It was just put one foot in front of the other and do what needs to be done. I tried writing a bit, but could not get past the haze in my head to do so. I miss my baby, and she said she'd call me later never did. I know people get busy, and don't always have time but damn I need her voice to help me through the rough patches at times. She did finally leave me a text so I did not feel completly abandoned like I was starting too. I need to get back into a routine and fight this mental and physical exhaustion which seems to weigh me down. My throat has been so sore I haven't been swimming in a week which does effect my mental well being. Least when I do the swimming every day I feel like I accomplished one thing I set out to do even if its such a minor thing. I know I need to set a goal daily and accomplish at least that one goal, but right now so tired can't think much less figure out what goals I should do every day. All I know is can't keep going down this road I'm going down. I have to do something to change my path. I can't expect someone else to do it for me. All I have to do is look at my thigh and read the word hate curved there to remember why I have to change. I can't keep living like I am. Its becoming a struggle just to get moving every day anymore, and life should not be that way. I have plenty of time on my hands, but I am not utilizing that time. Of course I have wrote words to this extent over in over in the time I've been blogging here, and I've yet to do more then minor changes. I'm on the computer off and on all day and never write like I said I was going too. This last month has been so hectic I've picked up old bad habits I thought I'd kicked for good. My nails look like a beaver gnawed through them. I have chewed them down past my fingers, and now they hurt. I stopped chewing on my nails years ago, and I guess the stress lately just got me started again. Well guess I will get some sleep and hope tomorrow looks brighter then today...
I thought I had it licked. I was hiding inside, denying it was still there. Last night after all the bullshit I had to face some hard truths. Yes I'm clinically depressed. Yes I still harbor thoughts of ending it all. I never give those thoughts credence or let them see the light of day, but they are there. Hell how could they not be. My life is in shambles. For every step forward it seems I take five back. I feel like I'll never get out of this endless spiral I am in. I've done a very good job of hiding it. So good I did not even realize how deeply depressed I was. I keep busy all day long with little things so I don't have to face myself. Yet I still haven't put one single job application in, nor have I tried my hand at writing. I am still so deeply afraid of rejection I make excuses on how busy I am so as to not have to face it. Last night was just to much and all the fears and all the uncertainty's came rushing forward. I carved the word hate on my skin. That's how I feel it sums up everything. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate my inability to move forward, or to take control of my own life. I thought I was so much further then I am. I had thought I was dealing, and doing so well, yet here I am at ground zero again. All I had managed to do was bury the fears and uncertainty's for a while. When your this sunk in depression is it possible to pull yourself up without help? I just don't know where to go, or who to turn too for help. God? He has not been there for me in the past why should he be there now. Plus they say God helps those who help themselves, and I haven't a clue how to help myself. I hate myself today for all the things I did not do....
Once again my mother is being a fucking bitch. My daughter had her friends Chelsea and Jimmy spend the night. I told Katie having Jimmy over would cause issues, but she really wanted him so I agreed. My mother insist I either take him home or she will. I solved problem my ex is going to come get kids take them to his house. You know I understand its my parents house, but its fucking bullshit since I damn well know my niece Ashley always had guys over when she was younger then Katie. Katie is almost eighteen and very mature. Its not like they were doing anything. Her and her friends were watching movies and that's it. My mother has always played favoritism and Katie has never been one of her favorites. Katie is over weight and my mother has issues with people that are over weight. Katie is a good kid, she's bright and gets good grades. Does my mother ever acknowledge that. No though she pays my niece for her grades, and acts like she's a fucking genius. Instead she makes fun of Katie and never acknowledges her grades or her work effort. Katie is outside crying, becouse its unfair. Unfortunately I can't comfort her, becouse it is unfair. There just isn't anything I can do about it. I've always told Katie that is just how grandma is. I grew up with it. She was the same way when I was little. It's bullshit that Katie can not have her friends over in her own home. I wish did not have to live her, but unfortunately have no other choice right now. It always tears me up when Katie is upset. She asks for so little I hate when I can't give it to her. Right now with no job and my ex not even giving me a dime I can't give her hardly anything and I hate it. He was at least at one time making sure I had some bathroom items monthly and giving me twenty to go over to the woodshed and hang with my friends. That stopped pretty quickly. Not like I did not work most of our relationship and give him money. I'm just so fucking angry right now want to drink and cut. I know can't do either, but damn it would help for the moment. I've already been stressed enough, becouse I haven't been to see my play partners since we went to Fetishcon a few weekends ago. When I scene it relieves stress and helps me cope with all the shit on a daily basis, but I lost faith in my play partner that weekend. He gave someone he knew permission to play with me. I was hurt and taking advantage of. Nothing major happened, but I really felt like he should have been more responsible about what happened and taking care of me. Maybe I didn't make it clear how upset I was, but he should have been able to read me. He's been my play partner for quiet a while. I kind of looked to him as my Mentor and protector. I know I should talk to him and work it out. Instead once agian I have retreated inside myself and just stayed away. I don't trust him anymore, and not sure I want them to be my play partners anymore. That leaves me with no stress relieve, and no where to go to get a break from this damn house since I was staying with them every month for a few days just to get away. If I had any place to go right now I'd take it though that would probaly just lead to more trouble. I fucking hate my life....
Well I decided I was not going to Zoo day at the Woodshed this month. There was a variety of factors leading to the decision. One was I am so tired of begging rides there, having to leave before I'm ready too, and begging money. The other was the fact I am going to see my beloved Mistress in another week and if I go to Zoo day I know I'll want to play if opportunity presents itself. I do not want to show up at my Mistress's full of bruises. Thing is everyone has been bugging me to go. Jersey offered me a place to stay and said she was sure Sir Fleegle would take me up there and bring me back. Then Lyndsey who has not talked to me in months offered to come get me and let me spend the night with them. I called and Ed said he'd take me up to Orlando Saturday so I guess my mind has been changed for me. I will spend the night with Lyndsey and Sir Tim and they will bring me home Sunday. I have restarted exercising so am already sore from that. I swim daily and walk over an hour a day. Now if can just get a job I'll be doing good.
Why do you never realize the different way you think from those you love till something stupid comes up. I lost someone I care for tonight becouse of a stupid disagreement in terms. I thought it was minor and she thought it was major. I knew it was coming sooner or later, but this is not how I wanted it to end. I changed my profile thinking it would please her, and instead she hung up on me while we were talking. I guess I had not had my sexual orientation showing on my page there before. I am listed as bi and have considered myself bi for a few years now. I changed my relationship status to in a relationship instead of complicated which I had it saying. She was mad I did not put down married. I am sorry saying we are married does not make it so. As long is I am still married to Ed I can not in good conscience put down I am married to someone else. To me that would be the same as lying. Just like saying I am gay which I very well might be. I have always liked females better then men, but never had that chance to explore that. Till I figure it out on my own and decide though putting I am gay instead of bi would be like a lie. I do not understand why she can't see this. I've just been hurt so fucking many times before I shatter like glass at the slightest touch, and this was just to damn much to take tonight. Maybe I am not fit to be in a relationship with anyone. I am always waiting for it to end long before ever does. Just fuck it all....
I really need to figure out how to self regulate my moods, becouse this ennui I feel is just tearing me up inside. I just want to feel something anything instead of this mind numbing depression all the time. I know its all in my head, and I need to snap out of it, but doing so just seems so damn impossible at times. I just want to bash something and yell over and over again. Its like a million bugs lying dormant under my skin then all of a sudden they just start writhing and seething till they break free all at once creating a giant black explosion. I need to feel. I need the pain. I need something that is stronger then the numbness to make me feel alive again. I'm screaming help me, and no one hears. Why am I even here? I seek grabbing on to every lifeline in sight, yet it never seems to help. I'm always seeking something more. I want to go further, feel deeper, and do more then I have ever done before. I need to push myself to my limits and over. I searched for someone else to do this for me, but I know it will never be enough. Who I am is all I will ever be, and yet I want to be so much more. I confuse even myself at times, but its whats inside me. Anyone have some ennui blocker?What is this beast
that lays inside of me
eating, breathing, and sleeping
while I lay caged deep inside
silently screaming
as this stranger emulates me
vacant eyes staring
only allowing me a glimpse
a shallow taste now and then of what could be
if I could actually see and feel
and be free of this beast inside of me...
I know everyone in my family is bipolar. I am not sure if that is my issue or not, but I feel I am more manic depressive. Yes I do go through high points, but there much rarer then my low ones. I try very hard not to let it get to me. At times though its just so damn hard. I get up every day for what? What have I giving of myself that makes my existence worthwhile? I know this kind of thinking is ridiculous but I can't help where my mind wonders. I'm doing better then I used to be. I no longer even contemplate suicide, which used to be quiet common for me. Its still a big issue for me and sometimes I'm just not sure how to overcome it. Some days it just seems like everything is pressing down on me driving me so deep into the ground I can never recover. There is so much to worry about, and its very hard to just let things go. I have too though to survive. I can not worry about how I am going to buy stuff, or where I'd go if I did not have my parents to take me in. If I really thought about my life right now I'd truly go insane. Today is obviously not a good day. If I accomplish one thing for the day it helps me greatly, but today haven't even done that. I guess I am lucky I'm not one of those people that can sleep forever or I would stay in bed with my head covered and never face the world...sighs and repeats over and over tomorrow will be a better day.
