Sadness dancing in my soul

Once again we are at this point. I know you have seen the distance that has grown between us. There is a rift that is always there, but at times its a chasm that can't be crossed at all. That is were we are right now. I promised you a year when I came back last years. That year is almost up, and to me we are at the same place we were then. I have tried not to seek love from others, but sometimes I am so lonely and bored I can't help but reach out. As long as we've been together I do not truly think either of us were ever truly happy with the other. As much is it pains me to hurt you I think at some point in our lives we have to say enough is enough. I do not want to hurt you by my actions anymore, and I'm sure you do not wish to hurt me anymore either. I truly think we need to go our separate ways at last, and hopefully remain friends. Truly I do not think it matters where I go though to you I know it will. I have had so many over the last year offer me a place to stay till I get on my feet. Not as a sub, but as a friend. Katie even knows how much I hurt at times we have discussed it. She has said time and again she wants to stay with you. She thinks you would not be able to survive without her. Plus she loves her school and has no wish to move. I truly think we need to start making the arrangements necessary to end the pain and heartache for both of us. You can not keep ignoring my posts if they don't please you. Not once but several times I told you that the BDSM relationship wasn't work out between us. Yet you would not let it drop, becouse you liked having some control over our relationship at last. I think its telling even my dog tag is starting to rust. I could say so many reasons why that relationship didn't work same as our vanilla relationship, but I just want to say a friendly goodbye work things out and leave on good terms. I've stayed so long not only for Katie, but becouse I was afraid for you if I left. Now I have to just say your responsible for your own actions and hope for Katie's sake that to be true. No one has coerced me away this has been a long time coming. I would like to take the car least till I get a job and can afford another. If you do not wish to depend on your mother though I will understand and make do. Katie will love the new computer if you go get it next month. It would be a great Christmas gift for her. Truly I would like to start divorce before I leave, but if you are not ready for that I won't push it. I hate to say that I regret ever marrying. So many times I've looked at it as one of my biggest mistakes, and I'm so sorry for that. I'm not saying we didn't have a good life, and lots good in it. All I'm saying is for me most times the pain outweighed the happiness. You and Katie have always been a unit. You like the same things and get along so well together. I was always the one left out. The third wheel that was just dragged along behind you two. Truthfully I probably would have been gone long ago. I've always been afraid to be on my own, and thought I needed someone. I still feel that way, but its time to discover myself and try. I am so hidden, and keep so much inside till I explode. I do not want to be like that anymore. I tried honesty with you when I started this blog, and got in trouble several times for saying what was on my mind. Thats when I stopped writing here every day. Even when I told you how much something meant to me your own feelings mattered more. OK enough here. I said wasn't going to say anything, and I'm not. I did plenty wrong myself, and hurt you more times then I care to count. As said its just time for all the pain to end......

Munch meeting

Tonight we had a guest speaker who's a psychiatrist for relationships. Was a real eye opener. Number one thing that caught my attention was the reason most people cheat is becouse they are missing intimacy in there life. He also said couples need to find time each day to connect with each other even in small ways. This is something I crave. Like the time at night Master watches his video before going to sleep. That is time we could cuddle and talk. Plus the honesty issue. I've tried to be honest and upfront and it hasn't worked. Like when I begged for an online Mistress and was shot down without recourse. That would have took care of some of my innate need for intimacy that isn't always fulfilled. I do not want to lie and cheat to get this need fulfilled. I do not want to leave and kill the marriage, but I hate feeling like that's the only way I will be happy. I hate being dishonest it kills me. I worry about hurting someone even though I try not to hurt anybody. It's been better, and we have had sex more often lately but for me it's not enough. I do not want to feel that way and I wish that wasn't the case. I almost never initiate sex anymore, becouse I'm so burned out from being turned down so many times. I just don't see why I could not have someone agreed to on the side with all the terms laid out before hand. I know maybe that's a lot to ask, but wouldn't it be better then no relationship anymore? I love sex, and having sex. The closeness and cuddling afterwards. I know it's not my husbands fault he can't have sex becouse of his disability but why do I have to feel so guilty for wanting someone to fill that void. Toys and hands just aren't the same and never will be. I do not want to be driving to cheat to fulfill this driving need inside me. I do not want to be forced to leave just so I can enjoy sex. I just don't know where to turn anymore or what to do? Honesty ha....just causes pain and more heartbreak.

confused and hurt

Master hasn't been happy with this girls blogs. Least this girl guesses that. He was very rough today. He says he wasn't that rough, and he could have been rougher with this girl. Suppose that is true, but this girl is feeling lost and confused without her steady anchor holding her up. First he stripped her of clothes since no one was home. This girl thought yea play time, yet got no play time just Kendo stick on her ass and back. He striped her good and much harder then usual. Had this girl begging for no more. He got her breast, and pussy as well. Think one of the slats grabbed the corner of my breast and pinched it horribly. Left a blood streak and hurt like hell. He finally quit and let her get dressed all but her bra. He did let her put bra back on before leaving to get daughter. Later that evening after dinner Master wanted to go to room. This girl wasn't to keen after earlier, but went as it was his will. First thing he did was have girl put on her choke collar and leash. He immediately started pulling it tight. Forced her to kiss him and suck his nipples. This girl tried to tell him she loved him, and Master replied this isn't about love. He Made girl rub, and kiss him, yet kept saying she wasn't rubbing or had stopped when she hadn't. He was not the least loving, and this girl was actually scared of him. He seems to at times thrive on this girls tears and pain. Luckily not often, but when it happens it's frightening and confusing to this one. Then he gets mad she's crying like she can help her tears. So confused about everything. Talked to a Domme online and just talking did help me feel better. When he gets this sadistic it makes it harder for this girl to want to have sex, because she's afraid he might get rough again. This girl doesn't mind a bit of roughness, but pure pain just for the sake of pain is a whole nether ball game. This girls ass and back feels inflamed and sore now. Well This girl will not say more, and maybe will quit blog all together if things she says in it is going to get her in trouble. Sighs and wonders away desultory.....



No one was home, so Master was in the mood to play. Come here girl. She hurried in from the other room Yes Master, she said as she arrived breathless. He just looked at her, not saying a word. Quickly she dropped to her knees in front of him and lowered her eyes. Reaching down he grabbed the back of her shirt and pulled it along with her bra off. Do you wear clothes if no one is here girl? He asked his voice deceptively mild. No Master, she replied quickly standing to remove her shorts before kneeling back in front of him. As always she didn’t have panties on, as Master liked constant access to his property. Good girl he told her, grabbing her hair and yanking her toward him. Turning her head he kissed her hard shoving his tongue deep in her mouth. Pushing her back he watched her fall on her ass in front of him. Get my Kendo stick girl, he commanded her. Yes Master, she said getting quickly to her feet. Returning to him reluctantly holding the Kendo stick by the handle, she asked, did I displease Master? No this is for my pleasure he told her. Nodding at her, she quickly assumed the position. On her knee’s her head on the ground with her ass up in the air. Master looked at her appreciatively. Without any warning he swung back and smacked her hard with the Kendo stick leaving a large red welt behind. She cried out and moved forward. Stay still he bellowed, grabbing her hair and pulling her back. Yes Master, she sobbed. For her insolence he proceeded to flog her with the Kendo stick from the top of her neck to just past her buttocks. After about fifteen hits she stayed still, and just sobbed quietly. Grabbing her he pulled her close and hugged her hard. She kissed his neck and thanked him. Petting her head he told her she was a good girl. Go to the room and wait for me. She quickly dried her face and left the room. When he came in the room she was waiting for him naked. Throwing her choke chain and leash at her, he told her to put them on. She quickly complied. Pulling the leash he dragged her over to the edge of the bed to once more plunder her lips with his own. Yanking off his shirt he tightened her leash till she was at his nipple sucking hard. Pushing her back he got into bed beside her. I love you Master, she told him reaching up to run her hand along his jaw. This has nothing to do with love slut he told her grabbing her hair roughly. He forced her to her knees and shoved her face toward his groin. As she sucked his growing erection, he forced her knees further apart and shoved his thumb deep in her wet juicy cunt. She shuddered and cried out as he invaded her tender skin brutally. He slapped her ass hard making her shudder. No noise bitch just suck, he told her in clipped tones. Yes Master she sobbed out sucking once more as if her life depended on it. He continued brutally assaulting her tender pussy reaching up to rub her ultra sensitive nub hard, as her jaws stretched over his rigid penis. He rubbed hard till she gasped and exploded her cum dripping down his fingers, grabbing the back of her head he shoved her back down on his penis and forced her deep throat him pounding so deep into her throat she thought she might gag. Soon he thrust her down hard on his penis and held her there her nose shoved in his sacs, as his hot cum burst deep in her mouth. She gulped quickly trying not to loose a drop of his hot cum as it filled her mouth and throat. When he finally released her she’d felt like she had almost been drowned in cum. It was dripping off her lips as she reached up to wipe it away. Pulling her across him he spanked her ass a few times for good measure, and sent her away to get dressed. As she handed him his clothes he had her kneel in front of him and gently ran his hands through her hair. Leaning forward he whispered in her ear, thank you girl for accepting my sadistic side. She smiled happily as she returned back to her chores….