Random ramblings

Only two more days till I go to Texas to finally see Ben and Daphne. I feel like I've known them forever though its been less then two years. I'm really excited and nervous even though I know they work hard, and I'll probably hardly see them while I'm there. Plus Ms. Nita is coming up to be with me and I'm more nervous about that. I'm petrified in fact, and I try real hard not to let that show. She wants me to come home with her for a few weeks, but I really don't want too. I like having the buffer of my friends there for this first most important meeting between us. Plus every time I go her house is so chaotic it makes me very upset and I'm not there. The whole point of this time is to get away from the stress levels and relax again. Something that happened yesterday proved that I need it very much. Got into a fight with Ed which we had not done in a long time and he said some very hurtful things then stormed out of house and did not return for hours. I was upset and punching the wall was not giving me the relieve it normally does. I downed three beers way to fast for someone that hardly ever drinks got all melancholy and even more moody. Well I cut myself a few times. Not badly but one time went a little deeper then I intended. Was very stupid and I know better but hate to say it did help. I felt better after. I was still pretty upset though and Nita called to talk to me, but soon as she did her son in law Mike started screaming at her to get off phone he needed it right that instant. This is something that happens constantly when we are on phone together and I just lost it. I hung up on her something I'd never even think of doing normally. I just really don't want to be in that environment where they can not communicate without yelling at each other or loosing tempers. I do not think I'd enjoy it there at all unfortunately. Tried talking to her about it, but I guess I did not make her understand how I felt. I do understand she wants to get to know me surrounded by things that are of comfort to her in her home turf, but I am not sure I'll feel comfortable there with my feelings about things right now. I'm really starting to feel a little lost and confused again lately and just unsure about a lot of things. I thought me and Ed were getting along good even though there are a lot of issues still until yesterday. Apparently we were not. Sometimes I just want to bash my head into a wall for a while till the pain stops. I'm trying to just concentrate on the goals I've set for myself and let everything else fade for a while. I want to get a job soon as I get back and get my own vehicle so I don't feel trapped here with no money anymore. After that I just don't know truly...maybe I'll get the answers during this trip.

Life sux

Yes has been forever since I posted last. As I've said before I don't like to post negativity and lately that's all I've had. I care deeply for my husband, but the trust is shattered and I'm not sure that will ever come back. I know I'm hurting him and he's pushing me away big time right now, becouse of that. Even though I've been hurting from his coldness for 18 years that does not make it right. I try very hard to ask Nita not to call while he's around so as not to hurt him, but I understand her point as well. She has dealt with his perimeters for a year now and respected what he said and he treated her like dirt and tried to push her away and break us up. No she does not respect him very much, and why should she he has not earned that respect through his actions. I know he's trying right now, but I also know it won't last. He is starting to understand sex is a weapon but it won't control me anymore. I should not have to beg and plead to get a little attention that should rightfully be mine. I want to be with someone that wants the same things I do. Love, family, romance, and finding happiness in just being together. Taking walks, cuddling on the couch, or just holding hands. I know Nita loves me unconditionally but even in that relationship there are issues that need to be addressed. Every time we talk she's yelling and screaming at her daughters boyfriend and I really don't want to be around so much negativity. It effects me badly. She had so many goals and dreams when she got away from her family now she's back that all seems to have flown out the window, and that bothers me. Now I'm free to do whatever without worrying about hurting someone else I've also discovered I'm a huge flirt. The thing is I'm way to nice, and when someone shows an interest in me I give them signals I probably should not, and I have way to many wanting more then just friendship. Luckily all online, but I know I need to start watching myself. I'm just not sure how to be friendly without being flirty and inviting. I love all the attention which makes me seek it out more. I have always felt like I was not good enough, and have always had low self esteem so the fact all these gorgeous woman not only want me but want to spend there lives making me happy is just simply amazing to me. In highschool I was so painfully shy and so angst ridden that I did not have time to discover the power of sexuality. It's a heady thing and one not to be taking lightly. Its been so hard the last few months, becouse I do miss the control and play time I had with my husband, but I know every time I give him an inch he wants a mile. Plus if we play or kiss just once he thinks every thing is better, and its not. Why should I believe this time will be any different from the millions of times before? He will change to win me back then go back to the same destructive habits he's always had. Its a never ending viscous cycle and one I'm more then happy to not be on anymore. I'm just not wanting to deal with it anymore. I'd like to stay here for the next year for Katie's sake, but if he keeps pushing and throwing his fits I will find someplace else to go. I do have a lot of loving caring friends I know would offer me sanctuary if I so needed it. I just don't want to be beholden to anyone, and its hard not having money or a vehicle right now. Sometimes I wonder if life is even worth it...

I'm back!

Yes its me again. I know I haven't written in forever and my last post wasn't the most inspirational. Lately I just seem to be in low spirits and never up to the task of writing. Whenever things are going really good I'm just standing by waiting for it to die down again, becouse it always seems to. No I do not like being such a grump, and that is half the reason why I don't write. I do not want to write about weeks of no play time just to write about one really great day and then weeks of no play once more. It's depressing. I'm not unhappy with my life anymore things are going good, just still not great. I fell and hurt myself good and started my monthly all at once so that really made me feel great...not. I told everyone I fell off my bike, but truth was we were playing around. I jumped on the hood of the car and Master started forward jokingly. It would have been fine he was going real slow, but it was drizzling out and the hood was wet. I slipped off and slammed pretty hard to the ground luckily not rolling under the wheels or it would have been a lot worse. Mainly was just lots of nice road rash up my right side. Wasn't until the next night my neck hurt so badly I couldn't even lift it up off my pillow. Apparently sprains appear 24 to 48 hours after an injury. Master made me go to the ER becouse he didn't want to take a chance of a neck injury being overlooked. They gave me a tetanus shot that hurt worse then the sprain. I only took a few of the muscle relaxers and pain pills they gave me, becouse I hate pills and they made me so tired I wasn't getting anything done. I just want the pain and sleepiness gone so can get back into the swing of things. Tonight am feeling much better only a little muscle stiffness and of course lovely stomach cramps. O joy...groans.

Scattered thoughts

I'm very lucky to have so many very caring friends online. Lately I've been extremely depressed for no real apparent reason. I guess I've felt like things were starting to go back to how they have always been. I was promised this wouldn't happen ever again, yet things always go back to the way they were. Least I've learned not to let it bottle up anymore. I will speak up then things will change once more for a while. Do I really have to walk right up and say hey I need attention...not tomorrow not next week right now! When depressed I eat to much, don't want to exercise, and completly stop writing. Pretty much just shut out the world and wallow in self pity. It's hard to get out of a funk like that. Something has to change. I've changed so much in the last few years, and I will not settle for being unhappy any longer. I know what I like and need and if I'm not getting it where I'm at maybe I need to think about looking elsewhere. That is not a solution I even really want to consider and hope it won't ever come to that, but that is how I feel. I will enjoy life and not just let it pass me by anymore. I've missed out on enough. There are still so many things I want to do and try. I can only hope my partner decides he wants to be by my side for everything, and not let me slip away again...

[ 40 days and 40 nights ] Trust Me - Dee Joy

This is one of the best love scenes ever. The movie shows a young man who's taking a vow of celibacy for forty days making love to his girlfriend without ever touching skin to skin. With just a flower as an extension of himself he brings her to orgasm. Watching this move today reminds me how lucky I am. My Master, husband, and lover is a T3 paraplegic. The T3 indicates how high up the spinal cord his injury was. He was millimeters from being a quadriplegic. His disability makes it very hard for him to get sexually excited. Yet every time we have sex he gives me the most mind numbing orgasms. I'm very lucky and sometimes I don't tell him that often enough, so I'm telling everyone right now. Master I love you now and forever, and hope to serve you faithfully. I know we have issues and sometimes I'm a bit of a brat, but I try not to be. I can only hope you feel as lucky to have me as I do you. I need you in my life more then I can ever say, becouse the words just aren't there when I search for them. All my love...
Master Ed's dark angel

Thoughts, opinions, thrown tomatos.. something people

In one of my groups they were discussing a Dom that has his sub find him play partners. Yet his girl has to be monogamous to him only, or I'm assuming whatever girl he is at the time would be fine too. We all know the type. What is up with someone that is so blind they can't see the issues with this? Its one thing if you can both have others, and they choose to live that type of life. Yet for one to play the field so to speak while keeping the other one in the closet pretty much till called upon to serve is disgusting to me. Can we say user? Unfortunately this is very common in our lifestyle. As much is we discuss it, write about it, and blog and yet still there's clueless subbies who fall for these wanna be Doms. In my book any Dom who would even ask this is a test of there subs dedication to them is an idiot. I do not think you have to be monogamous by any means, in fact I think there are a lot of good qualities about polygamy. What I believe is even if your in a polygamist relationship you should be faithful to those partners in the relationship with you. Every one should have a chance to to approve or disapprove any one brought into the relationship. Yes I have a big thing about casual sex. In this day and age of diseases and non caring you are not only putting your life at risk but your partners as well by having sex with someone you don't trust or know that much about. That to me is something a real Dominant wouldn't do. His job is to protect and care for his submissive in return for all that she gives him, and giving her some type of sexually transmitted disease would not be a good way to do this in my opinion. Is a moment's gratification worth a lifetime of regrets? Submissives please I can not stress enough if your Dominant doesn't respect, listen, and care for you then leave and find someone who does. You are more then worth it...

BDSM punishments for vaniilla annoyances

Have you ever seen a sub act up in a lifestyle themed event? Ever think maybe there is a reason for there golden behavior. They fear what will happen if they act up. Instant reaction would be had, and instant punishment swift and painful. Something that is missing in vanilla society. We can not even lift our fingers toward our children without someone screaming child abuse now a days. Crimes are up and no one sees the correlation between being able to correct our children and this spike in crime rates. Children are being raised with no consequences for there actions bad or good in most cases. If we were able to use the punishments used on us on those that annoy us in our daily lives maybe we'd have less occurrences. Just think the next time someone cuts you off in traffic if you could yank them out of there car throw them over there hood and give them a good old fashion ass whipping. I bet they would think twice about endangering lives next time there in a hurry. Or some idiot cashier short changes you thinking they can pocket the extra at the end of the night, or there just that stupid that they can't even read what a machine tells them, pull them into the bathroom cuff them to the stall and give them a few swats with the crop or cane till they promise to pay more attention in the future. I think America would thank us and criminals would think twice if they were facing a professional Dominatrix instead of just a jailer. Instead of sitting around eating good food and growing fat we could take the crime out of there hide one whipping at a time. An armed country is a happy country. Flicks my crop at all and wonders off to practice on the unruly paper boy who loves to get the paper in the bushes instead of the huge driveway just begging for a nice paper thrown on it...

Anger

I really have nothing to say. Sometimes you just have to rant. Why is it most guys can never ever admit they are wrong. As a female I know most of us have giving in and apologized for things that weren't our fault many a time to keep the peace. It would be nice to find a guy that isn't afraid to once in a while step back and say hey in order to keep the peace let her think she's right even if she isn't. I think at times it would be a miracle to find such a one though. Guys have to know more about every subject under the sun then you as well. Hell you could probably have a PhD in a subject and they would still try to tell you about it. It's just so much bullshit at times that the frustration builds up and overflows. As a submissive I get so angry at times then I get in trouble for attitude on top of what ever I was in trouble to start with. What the hell is up with that? You can't win for loosing at times. I just get angrier becouse I don't believe I had an attitude and it gets worse. This solves nothing and just takes us in circles till the whole thing is forgetting anyway. At least till the next little episode happens. What does it prove besides the problem isn't being solved? Now for me I'd dig deeper find an underlying cause to the problem and try to root it out at its source so the action wouldn't be repeated again. Of course I'm a female and a sub so what do I know right...growls.

Reflections

I've been thinking a lot about who I am lately. Putting what I've discovered into words isn't easy though. I've always been very shy, and more worried about others opinions rather then my own. Having my computer in the same room as my Master's has been a real challenge, becouse knowing he can turn around and read what I've written at any time really gets to me. I haven't written very many poems or stories since I've been home becouse of this. My mind just always seems to be seething lately and no way to calm it. Discovering myself, and finding ways to improve who I am is easier said then done. I truly feel like my life has been a waste with me contributing nothing of worth to anyone or anything. In this day and age what do we strive for? We work just to barely eke out a living daily. At least when we struggled for food, shelter, and survival we knew that what we did made a difference. Now it just seems we struggle all our lives for love, acceptance, and understanding but most never achieve those goals. Only through serving do I at times feel that I've contributed something of worth. All my life I've served, but never received anything in return. I've always felt it was my place to be in the shadows unobserved and uncared for. Embracing the lifestyle has brought many things to my attention. One my service is a desirable commodity and one I owe no one. Another is that I do have a voice and my opinions matter though I'm still having a hard time with that one. Pain is a catharsis that frees my soul helping me feel so alive. I crave more even is it scares me at times. Anything is better then going through life numb just existing never living. When receiving pain, and sex its the only time my body lights up and feels alive. Animal play frees me to just be without thoughts of pleasing others, and what anyone thinks. I can just come alive and act on instinct. I've been so starved for affection my whole life, but never knew how to give or receive it. Stunted I searched for what was missing in my life, but like someone that had never seen the sun I was blinded and confused and never knew what true affection was. Being a pup or pony I can lick, rub up, and lean against even strangers and have that affection returned in a brisk rub or petting. Still I seek and search even as I know not what I'm searching for. Maybe I can just never be satisfied. I'm so confused and lost at times I feel that I'll never find my way. My fears still hold me back from truly trying to live. The only thing I've ever felt I've done well is my writing and yet I'm so scared to truly try to make something of it that I give up before even starting. Rejection looms in my soul before I even start like a wall staring me in the face keeping me from moving forward. I know I'm my own worse critic always. Nothing I do is ever good enough, and never will be. I go through each day hardly ever accomplishing anything and I disappoint myself daily. Relinquishing control to another is maybe my way of not facing myself. Now its not my fault the things that needed to do aren't done daily right? I do not know if I'll ever be able to purge this blackness out of my soul and truly be free to live. Not just exist but live and be proud of who and what I am. I want to contribute to the world, and give of myself. I want to make a difference in others lives. I'm tired of living cramped in my box letting no one, and nothing in. I'm tired of gray days and gloomy nights. I'm tired of crying my eyes out wishing things would change even as I feel nothing I do will ever change things. Slavery is just an extension of myself. I've been a slave to my own fears and insecurities my whole life. The collar and leash is just an outward extension of my inner demons. I crave the feel even as I fight it. Same as I have embraced the numbness inside while trying to break free from it. All of this just brings anger that I do not know how to suppress or express properly. It seethes always inside till little things make me explode for no reason. I can't even play simple games without loosing my temper when things don't go my way. There's no where to channel this rage inside. I don't know if a million lifetimes would be enough to learn to love, and live with myself without hatred, fear, and disgust. How can I expect anyone else to embrace me when I can't not embrace myself? The darkness inside has gone on so long its like it fills up my whole self with no light showing through at all. Each day I exist a blight on society contributing nothing. I'm struggling hard to find the light, and pray one day not only will I find it but it will shine through so brightly that others will seek it out in me like I have in others....

Pet peeves and miscommunication

lately I've had a real issue with online groups I'm in. Seems the love has just flown out the window. One person writes about issues there having finding someone trust worthy in the life style, and others just jump on the bandwagon saying how there to picky and they need to be more trusting. Hello is it only me that sees letting someone in your home in heart is a very dangerous thing and takes much honesty, patience, and trust on all sides? Everyone is so passionate about things they believe in which is a good thing, but not when it blinds you so you can't learn from others, or let them have there own believes on the subject. We are a group that prides itself on diversity yet as a group more and more are becoming close minded and judgmental on anyone that doesn't agree with there own thinking. More groups are setting standards keeping others out only letting those in that agree with there believes. I've seen Master/slave groups that are age exclusive just as an example. Do the young not want the growth and learning they can gain from there elders now? I've seen sub groups that are really hard on those in poly lifestyles since most believe in monogamy. Just becouse most people play one way does not mean that any other way is wrong. I've seen more become hard on extreme players as well. Saying Edge play is dangerous. Well duh..that is the whole point is it not? There is so much great information out there for those that wish to search to find it, but what is the point when you can not share and grow with others. Don't get me wrong I think all the sub cultures in the lifestyle is great, and they should have there own groups. Pets, furries, trans genders, Doms, subs, Masters, and slaves what have you. I'm just saying that they should be able to accept each other and get along. If you group says its a submissive group it should accept all submissives not just those in real life relationships, or only those that serve 24/7, or put stipulations on who they let in. Real life vs. online is another topic so many feel passionately about that they do not even try to see both sides of the issue. Acceptance is something each of us strive and fight for daily so why would we not give it to those that seek it from us? Freedom and acceptance for all!

Poor subbies

How often have you heard this phrase? Poor little misguided sub taking advantage of by the big bad mean Dom. Well I for one am tired of it. Are we not all adults in this lifestyle? Why should only one person take the blame when things go wrong? I believe its just as much the subs job to research, and learn is it is the Dom's. In fact its a poor Dom in my opinion, and an idiot sub if they don't understand and know safety precautions of any play they partake in. Edge play most especially. Every day you read about some idiot that let some Dom they hardly know tie them up and leave them for hours at a time. Usually ending tragically with a death from suffocation if not seriously impaired. How many times must the warning be giving...Do not play with someone you do not know and aren't comfortable with? You can not hide behind the fact oh I'm a submissive it's my Dom's job to look after and care for me. That is such a cop out. You are still an adult and responsible for your own actions and mistakes. You choose your partner not the other way around though it may feel that way. We all know how many fakes, wanna bes, and lairs there are out there not only in the lifestyle but in general. Why would you trust yourself with someone you don't know online or off? Anyone who hears I've been in the lifestyle thirty years (and there thirty three years old), and I know exactly what you need and believes it needs a psych evaluation not a Dom. If you ever feel doubts about anyone your with and they don't let you express those doubts and discuss them with you that is a major red flag, same thing if you ask questions and they refuse answers. Online Dom's that vanish with no goodbyes or reason another red flag. Piss poor excuses like the power went out or an emergency came up should only be allowed once not over and over. Take a stand for your selfs and be responsible adults not children seeking the love you can't find elsewhere. Being a sub does not mean being a doormat and obeying every Tom, Dick, and Harry that claims there a Dom and knows what you need, and what is best for you. Only you can know and understand what is best for you. Before even getting a toe wet in the lifestyle subs need to explore all aspects of play and find out what attracts them, and what they might want to try and what they have no desire to partake in at all. They need to search for someone that has the same type of likes as they have, and people that want to explore or has experience in the things they wish to explore and learn. Finding a soul mate is not easy in or out of the lifestyle, and its not something thats going to happen overnight. No matter how fast you feel you want to go, its better to step back and take it slow and make sure the person you choose is the right one for you. Even if its just a scening partner your looking for take your time and make sure there ideals matches yours, and they understand your limits and needs. No one has yet died from not belonging to some one no matter what they think. Think, listen, study, and learn long before seeking that elusive long term partner and so many tragedies can be averted. This has been a public service announcement from your local kinkster friendly blogger...

Inner peace

How does one obtain this allusive ideal? Is there really such a thing is inner peace? Can meditation really help restrain the inner beast? These are question I do not have the answers for, and not sure any one does. There are some that claim to find inner peace and harmony. I think as long is we have brains in our heads there's always going to be a part that's screaming and yelling something different from the world around us. This is what causes those inner conflicts that drive people to distraction. I do not see how sitting with your knees crossed and humming some mantra helps anybody achieve anything but having sore knees. Am sure making your mind a complete blank maybe gets rid of those demons, but to completly vanquish them? Even when I'm at my happiest there's something in the back of my mind whispering you'd be happier if...or maybe this is just the calm before the storm. I'm not sure this is a bad thing though. As long is that beast keeps roaring we keep working on finding ways to quiet him down. The striving is a part of life that keeps us learning and growing. If no one had found things they weren't happy with maybe we'd still be wearing skins and hitting each other over heads with clubs. Isn't making things easier on yourself a part of searching for happiness? Doesn't happiness with yourself and the world around you lead to inner peace? OK I could go around in circles with this subject, but its still not making sense to me so I'll end here...

Happy slave

In my opinion one of the key components to having a happy well adjusted slave is having protocols and rules for them to follow. A slave needs to feel useful and owned. Set schedules, rules, and punishments helps maintain the proper mindset for servitude. Not everyone goes for high protocols or even low protocol everyone is different and does what works for them and there relationships. There should be at least one time a day where the Master/slave dynamic should be pushed a bit otherwise you get bratty slaves who think they can top. Kneeling before there Master, being spanked just because they can, or some other form or ritual should be performed to accentuate who is Master and who is slave. Punishments for infractions should be set in place, and happen as soon is possible instead of being allowed to pile up. Also if a punishment is threatened and not giving then that gives the slave the idea that the infraction must of not been so bad and it will most likely be repeated. Another thing I see a lot of is the Masters fear of hurting the slave causes them to be to gentle, and in a Master/slave relationship gentleness can be seen is weakness thus leaving the slave figuring once again the infraction wasn't that bad. The whole point of punishment is to discourage a certain behavior, but if the punishment doesn't even register to the slave they will forget what and why they were punished before the light sting even fades away. Now don't get me wrong I am not saying a Master can not show love to his slave and property. Far from it. They should reward the good behavior so it's repeated just as quick as the punish the bad so its not repeated. Unless its a special occasion the reward shouldn't be anything big just something minor that is not allowed often. A slaves job is to serve and they should know that the reward isn't for doing as they should be doing anyway, but for doing it so well that you are proud of them. I've seen one Master not allow his slave sweets unless it is out of his hand. Thus she gets a treat and the Master/slave relationship is deepened by her having to kneel and take it from his hand. My own Master knows of my fondness for small plastic animals, and when I do something that needed doing without being told or make a special meal he brings me one to add to my menagerie. It's a very small thing, but makes me strive harder to please and earn that prize. Anything that comes from his hand is special, because I know he owes me nothing. It shows his appreciation for all I do in my service to him. Another thing I've noticed in my time in the lifestyle is a Masters devotion and time spent with his slave steadily decreases as time goes on. This is actually true in any relationship, but I believe in a Master/slave dynamic the Master should be sure his slave knows she is loved and cherished by setting aside time each day if only twenty minutes to devote entirely to her. The return is a slave that will devote her every waking moment to the happiness and well being of her Master. Some protocols that help in this regard is devoting a time each day when a slave sits at her Master's feet and shares her daily journal with him. Then they can discuss whatever is in it, and how things can be improved. Every relationship is different as I've said, but I truly believe the things I mentioned are key for happy well adjusted slaves that thrive in there servitude...

Real or not?

I just read a very interesting post that made some very valid points. How many of you have been told your not real BDSM'ers becouse of this, that or the other? I've always wondered who defines things like this. In the BDSM community there is so much internal bickering about the right way to do things or run things. Well in actuality that is in any community is it not? Law of the jungle the bigger the badder? Yet sometimes even the smallest animals can be deadly. As long is someone is being safe in there play who am I to tell them its not right? This is especially true in the different communities. Gorean, leather. old guard, and the like. Each has certain ways that things should be done and if not done that way then its wrong. I'm just amazed that people who are so open minded in there sexuality and play can be so close minded about other things. As long is it works for you in your relationship then it should be considered right for that relationship. I almost lost a long time friend the other day over a simple slip of the tongue, and though I apologized he still felt I was picking on him for his lack of knowledge. That was the furthest from the truth but I was trying to educate him on the difference between what he said and what I am. I guess it came across is lecturing though that wasn't my intent it was just a subject I felt very passionately about. This got me thinking maybe this was behind a lot of the animosity between different groups and factions. People just feel so strongly about there own believes they can not step back to judge other's viewpoints with a clear eye. Still some arguments are just ridiculous. One I hear a lot is you can not truly be serous about the lifestyle till you've put at least five or ten or whatever years into it. If that's true it leaves newbies out in the dark doesn't it. I believe if your truly passionate about something you learn all you can and develop a plan of action based on where you want to go with that passion. You work and strive to make your passion a reality. I don't care if you've been in this lifestyle one day or fifty years the passion you have shines through. Each of us takes things that work for us and incorporate it into our lives. What is good for one is not good for another. That is what makes a good community diversity. Having different people that can all teach on different subjects. I'll say this once my opinion is that only...my opinion. Its not meant to relate to someone else nor should it. I know a lot about many different subjects, but I will always be learning and growing. So please if I ever dismiss something someone says slap me silly till I grow up and listen properly. Maybe I don't agree or subscribe to your philosophy but that does not make it wrong. It would be a very boring world indeed if there was only one right way to do things. Grow, learn, love, laugh, and never give up the childlike joy in learning...

Pet Play

Well a friend has been asking me about pet play, so I've been thinking about it a lot. On almost any definition or BDSM site you will read its humiliation play. I do not see it like that. I can see why it would be considered that if forced into pet play. That definition leaves out those of us that go into it willingly though, or even the ones that initiated it to start with. The humiliation aspect comes from being paper trained or forced to potty like an animal. Then again some may not even think that is true. I do not find it humiliation to be on a leash or eat out of a dog bowl. Instead I feel loved and cared for when my owner keeps me close on a leash or gives me special treats in my bowl. Some call it role playing or acting, but for most of us I do not see that is being accurate either. For me its a part that has always been inside and was suppressed becouse it was not normal or allowed. Who didn't grow up pretending they were some kind of animal at one time or another. I know I growled and played with my dogs all the time. I trotted and whinnied seeing myself as a gorgeous mustang or pinto mare running free mane blowing in the wind. To be able to still escape inside myself as an adult and just feel and act on instinct not worry or be human for a while is so freeing that it can't be described. When you sink so far down into that persona that it over shadows your own then its not really acting its another persona that is just in the fore front for a while. That persona is always around inside a part of you, but one that is not allowed free reign. So many probably have other personalities deep inside that are never allowed to see the light of day. That this lifestyle allows some of us to let those personalities to the fore front at times I think makes us more happy and well adjusted then those uptight people that refuse to ever let there inner child, and wild animal out. We refuse to subscribe to what is proper and right for humanity. Who is the one that decides that anyway? Why is actually showing love for more then one or playing with those that interest you so wrong? Why is actually fulfilling your fantasies and going to the edge disgusting and wrong to so many? We have been brain washed into mindless automatons that all act and think the same, and I for one refuse to succumb to that. I find pleasure in pleasing others, I love pain, and I love to loose myself and just be a puppy for a while. I will not hide what I am to please others if they don't like it they can just go away...

Pet day at the Woodshed

I don't even know where to begin. I had so much fun yesterday. Our day started out before eight trying to get everything ready. We went up to meet some friends before going to the dungeon. We met them for brunch only getting a little lost. It was very good seeing them as they live a bit far away, and though have known them for well over a year have only seen them once or twice. Am hoping that from now on will be much more, becouse they are great people and I had so much fun with them. Then we followed them over to the dungeon. Master Cecil the Dungeon owner met everyone and welcomed us. We filled out all our applications and paid the necessary fee to play for the day. He charges a reasonable price and it included staying for the evening when the Dungeon opened. I was a bit shy it was so overwhelming meeting so many new faces at once but I think I got over it pretty quickly. Once all the animals got loose it was mayhem. We had puppies, kitties, ponies, and even a few unusual animals in the mix. We had a jackal and two Dragons in the same room. One of the Dragons was in full furry costume and he was very handsome. A very randy Clydesdale made the mares day interesting. When I got a chance to be a pony he chased me but my faithful pony groom Tim actually put his body between us and kept him off me. There isn't much else I remember about being pony, but that when the bells and cuffs came off I felt a little bereft. I didn't even want to spit out the bit it just felt natural to me. I felt more at home as a pony then I do when in puppy mode. Our friend Pam showed up later in the afternoon and she brought lots of puppy and kitty treats for me and my friend Julie. Her leg was nice to lean against on breaks in the frenzy and she truly knows how to scratch. I met so many new friends and I am so looking forward to our next get together. Truly lifestyle people are the most accepting friendly people in the world. Master let Sir Tim test his spanking skills with what I believe was a fiberglass cane someone had let him borrow. They said it couldn't be broken but between Lindsey Tim's pony and my ass we seem to have broken it. Don't think there made for pony asses. Haze another friend was there when the Dungeon opened in the evening and after Master added quiet a few ass bruises himself with his toys, he let her scene with me as well. What is it with Doms or Dommes and there damn spoons? Growls and chews up all wooden spoons. Master also did a bit of needle play. He went real deep with one on my left breast and its a bit tender and bruised, but didn't feel bad. I do hope I'm getting better at taking needles, becouse I do love it its just a scary prospect. He probably did between 13 and 15 last night scattered between both my breasts and on my arms. Best of all I got suspended. That is something I've always wanted to try and it was so worth the wait. The Master who did it was a true craftsman and I was told the harness he rigged up was lovely on me. Can't take pics at the Dungeon so have nothing to show you. I know it was hard for my Master to see me being so friendly with so many strangers, and I'm honored he showed me the trust he did and let me play as he did. They have decided to make pet day a once a month thing and I'm so looking forward to the next one....

consistency

consistency-

1.	a degree of density, firmness, viscosity, etc.: The liquid has the consistency of cream.

2.	steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.: There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.

3.	agreement, harmony, or compatibility, esp. correspondence or uniformity among the parts of a complex thing: consistency of colors throughout the house.

4.	the condition of cohering or holding together and retaining form; solidity or firmness.

In this case I'm talking about the second definition. Steadfast adherence to the same principle, course, and form. In training dogs, children, and subs there has to be consistency. If you say something mean it and stick with what you say. Set rules need to be laid down and followed. If you give a little leeway they will think hey next time I can push even further. What happens without this consistency is a break down in the Top/bottom hierarchy. The bottom starts to think its OK to top. They will start to push more and more just to see how far they can get. If you tell your bottom five more minutes and its bedtime, then when they come say alright you can have ten more minutes your sending mixed signals about who's in charge and what rules to follow. This will lead to bratty subs that keep pushing becouse they know they can get away with it. No I'm not saying you have be a cruel dictator who can never give a break. The point is they should know when you give in its something rare and a special treat they should be on there knees thanking you for. A submissive usually craves that control and feels lost without it. If your training a puppy, or a potty training child you stick with the same routine till its second nature to them. The same thing applies to training a sub. They should have set chores that must be done every day and set consequences to not doing so. This leads to happy well adjusted submissives that are a true treasure to behold. You can see the energy flowing between a good Dom and there submissive. The glow in the submissives face as she keeps her Dom's glass filled without a word ever being spoken. People will comment how well this couple gets along, and seems to know each others needs without a word ever passing between them. In summation just remember consistency, set rules, and immediate consequences for disobeying. This leads to a happy submissive and a well run household....

Training

Ed is proving how serous he is about this relationship this time. Last night he had his mentor Dragon come over to show him some proper play techniques. He brought his girl Angel over and we had dinner then he brought out his toys and showed them to us. He would demonstrate a technique on Angel then Ed would try on me. Some things he asked Dragon to show him on me as well. It was a very good evening, and a great learning experience. I am hoping it can be repeated again soon, becouse my sore area's are a pleasant reminder that I'm owned.

Going good here

Things have been going very well since I've been home. Waiting for a copy of my GED to come in mail so can sign up for classes. There has been a few disagreements between me and Ed but on the whole we are getting along very well together. I have not really heard from either Bear or Ursa since I left, but I talk to Krystal daily and I guess they have just been real busy like I have. I was actually hoping to spend more time with them once I came back home. Like when before I left I talked to them both daily for hours at a times sometimes, but after I got down there and was in same house we didn't spend a lot of time talking at all. I just assumed I'd see them online again more often, but guess not. Went to a friends house last night to watch the Matrix trilogy. We had a pretty good time there. Today went to see step up 2 which was also a very good movie. I really need to start swimming again since my diet isn't the healthiest. Eating hamburgers out quiet a lot. Even when cook at home it's usually fried foods or there's lots of leftovers. I have been a little lazy since I've been home and need to get busy. Just having trouble getting motivated. Need to start eating veggies again or start taking my iron, becouse my energy level seems down. OK back to the mad house..huggsss to all.

Home....

Yes I am back home again in Florida. I plan on going back to school, though haven't decided for what yet. Being in Georgia and unable to get a job even though I applied all over the place was really getting me down. If I had been able to get my CNA license transfered I could have got a job pretty quickly, but the nurse I used to work for has moved and I can't get a hold of her so that didn't work. I was not asked to relinquish my collar when I came back home, even though I did let them know I was going to give Ed a second chance. I'm sure they think I'm foolish, but we have been together for 18 years. That's a long time to give up on. If things work out between me and Ed they might ask for there collar back. I do not know what the future will bring. I'm still feeling a bit lost and confused here. I had a daily routine in Georgia and I have felt a bit lost without it here. I'm very confused about everything, and just letting Ed touch me again takes will power on my part. Some times I want to lean into him other times I want to just pull away. I have no clue why this is. He does get me though. He will scratch my head or back till I'm whimpering in ecstasy. When he calls me his good puppy and scratches me I'm just lost in that persona. I can just curl up and be puppy begging for love and attention. I do not think anyone who has not experienced this could understand what I mean. In Georgia there was so many times I wanted to just sit at my owners feet and be puppy, but I never felt it was appropriate or felt comfortable doing so. So many times I'd just sit and watch Mistress's feet wishing I could take off her shoes and lick and suck them, but I didn't feel it would be welcomed. There was just tension between us that I didn't know how to approach or end. I loved everyone in that house greatly, but still felt so lost and alone at times. There just wasn't enough open communication or play time. I admit I'm a bit of a nymph o and love sex. When I lost the right to sleep in Master's bed there I admit it hurt badly. I assumed I would be giving a chance to earn that right back, but that never happened. Basically a lot of the reasons I left home in the first place were being repeated there. We were just a bunch of roommates living under one roof. Everyone did there own thing, but we rarely did things together as a family. The Master/slave relationship as I know it just felt completly missing from the equation. I was very rarely giving tasks or commanded to do anything. Yes I knew what needed doing, and I did it. Still its just not the same is it? Me and Krystal were both hoping to be tied up together and used, but that never happened either. I know real life gets in the way, but sometimes you just have to make things happen. Truthfully none of this Matters I love them greatly, and always will. I'm just not sure I could go back and live in the same conditions again. My depression was just raging out of control there, and I didn't know how to stop the pain. Writing here has always been one of my biggest outlets and for some reason it wasn't appreciated and got me in trouble, so I stopped. Being able to write once again and get things out feels so good. It's almost cathartic to me. I hope to be a part of the Bearz family forever, but if they want to release me I'd gladly send them there collar back even though it would hurt greatly. In fact if Ed has done everything he says he is and continues doing so I might take his collar back, and I don't know if I could have two at once. The intricateness of it would be mind boggling to say the least. Everything happens for a reason we just have to open our eyes to see what's before and behind us. Nothing is lost so long as we learn from it. I've learned a lot about myself, and my needs and I plan on continuing to grow and learn. I think that's all any of us can do....

Its my Birthday.....damn I'm old

Another year has come and gone. I really can't say if its better then the last or not really. Hoping this upcoming year will be much better. Have come a long way, but still have a long way to go. Right now just having a hard time because still haven't had any jobs call me back. Need to get some more applications out. My family wants me to come home and go back to school, and if not able to get a job I'm thinking should consider this. I'm just so confused at times its not funny. Ah well life beckons..be well all.

Happiness

I've been a manic depressive for more years then I care to recall. Anything sets me off. Perceived slights that aren't there, thinking people don't like me, or just having an off day. Then I get depressed, and sulk sinking inside myself so the problem gets worse not better. I learned a long time ago to wear a mask so no one knows my inner self. I felt protected that way. To let others really know your heart and desires is to open yourself up to pain and heartbreak. At last that is what I always believed. I'm trying to change my way of thinking, but its not easy. I know I deserve happiness, and should be proud of who I am damn anyone who thinks otherwise. Yet still maintaining eye contact, or speaking up when I want to is not coming easily to me. I create issues that aren't even there, because I'm insecure and needy, and I don't want to be like this anymore. Why does it matter if someone says hey look at all you did today..good girl? I should be able to say that to myself and be proud without needing others affirmation of my actions. I can write this, and see this to be true but putting words to action is another thing entirely Having skin problems all my life, and asthma, and hearing problems have not helped my self esteem any at all. If I don't like to look at myself in the mirror why would anyone else want to look at me? Hell I can't even give a good blow job without having to stop to take a breath, and it pisses me off. Now I've been searching for a job for two months and haven't got one call back. This is not helping me at all. I've never had a problem finding a job at least, so what is the problem now? I see signs everywhere now hiring, yet I apply and nothing. On top of everything else I know my husband and daughter truly want me to come back home, and he is trying hard to change at last. They were changes that should have been made a very long time ago, but he is trying. Thing is once again do I deserve the happiness I have found where I'm at? Don't I at almost 36 years old believe I'm capable of my own decisions and making my own life at last? I choose to be where I'm at, and am finding peace for myself here. I do not want to go back to the life I had before. I was always at the beck and call of others there, and got no acknowledgments for anything I did. From morning to night I was doing for everyone, but myself and was stretched very thin. I was always worried about hurting someones feelings so never said no to anything, even if it got to be too much and I couldn't handle it. OK there's my rant for the day. Please ignore sometimes you just have to rant to move on...

Sorry for long absence

Yes I know haven't posted here in forever. I just am not sure what's Ok to post and what's not anymore. I do not want anyone upset over something I've posted. The transition of moving and getting used to a new household hasn't been easy, but things are settling into a routine. I am still unable to find a job even though I've applied to over fifteen different places and it bothers me. Maybe if I was working all day little things at home wouldn't bother me so much, as they do at times now. My husband still wants me to come home, and his promises sound good, but I truly want the relationship I'm in now to work. I still have sever trust issues with him, and they are not going to be solved in a few weeks or even months. I miss my daughter horribly and don't spend nearly enough time with her. Till I get my own computer online, by the time she gets on there are others wanting to use this computer since it's a family computer so I don't get to talk to her often. I don't have a cell phone so can't call her, and my mother is a royal pain and won't let her use her cell phone to call me. Hopefully she will get a cell phone soon so we can talk more often. Online is good but she does fifty other things and conversations take forever. I like having a routine and knowing what's expected of me day after day. It makes things so much less complicated. Ok I'm off just wanted to write here, as haven't in so long and I miss it...