Its my Birthday.....damn I'm old

Another year has come and gone. I really can't say if its better then the last or not really. Hoping this upcoming year will be much better. Have come a long way, but still have a long way to go. Right now just having a hard time because still haven't had any jobs call me back. Need to get some more applications out. My family wants me to come home and go back to school, and if not able to get a job I'm thinking should consider this. I'm just so confused at times its not funny. Ah well life beckons..be well all.

Happiness

I've been a manic depressive for more years then I care to recall. Anything sets me off. Perceived slights that aren't there, thinking people don't like me, or just having an off day. Then I get depressed, and sulk sinking inside myself so the problem gets worse not better. I learned a long time ago to wear a mask so no one knows my inner self. I felt protected that way. To let others really know your heart and desires is to open yourself up to pain and heartbreak. At last that is what I always believed. I'm trying to change my way of thinking, but its not easy. I know I deserve happiness, and should be proud of who I am damn anyone who thinks otherwise. Yet still maintaining eye contact, or speaking up when I want to is not coming easily to me. I create issues that aren't even there, because I'm insecure and needy, and I don't want to be like this anymore. Why does it matter if someone says hey look at all you did today..good girl? I should be able to say that to myself and be proud without needing others affirmation of my actions. I can write this, and see this to be true but putting words to action is another thing entirely Having skin problems all my life, and asthma, and hearing problems have not helped my self esteem any at all. If I don't like to look at myself in the mirror why would anyone else want to look at me? Hell I can't even give a good blow job without having to stop to take a breath, and it pisses me off. Now I've been searching for a job for two months and haven't got one call back. This is not helping me at all. I've never had a problem finding a job at least, so what is the problem now? I see signs everywhere now hiring, yet I apply and nothing. On top of everything else I know my husband and daughter truly want me to come back home, and he is trying hard to change at last. They were changes that should have been made a very long time ago, but he is trying. Thing is once again do I deserve the happiness I have found where I'm at? Don't I at almost 36 years old believe I'm capable of my own decisions and making my own life at last? I choose to be where I'm at, and am finding peace for myself here. I do not want to go back to the life I had before. I was always at the beck and call of others there, and got no acknowledgments for anything I did. From morning to night I was doing for everyone, but myself and was stretched very thin. I was always worried about hurting someones feelings so never said no to anything, even if it got to be too much and I couldn't handle it. OK there's my rant for the day. Please ignore sometimes you just have to rant to move on...

Sorry for long absence

Yes I know haven't posted here in forever. I just am not sure what's Ok to post and what's not anymore. I do not want anyone upset over something I've posted. The transition of moving and getting used to a new household hasn't been easy, but things are settling into a routine. I am still unable to find a job even though I've applied to over fifteen different places and it bothers me. Maybe if I was working all day little things at home wouldn't bother me so much, as they do at times now. My husband still wants me to come home, and his promises sound good, but I truly want the relationship I'm in now to work. I still have sever trust issues with him, and they are not going to be solved in a few weeks or even months. I miss my daughter horribly and don't spend nearly enough time with her. Till I get my own computer online, by the time she gets on there are others wanting to use this computer since it's a family computer so I don't get to talk to her often. I don't have a cell phone so can't call her, and my mother is a royal pain and won't let her use her cell phone to call me. Hopefully she will get a cell phone soon so we can talk more often. Online is good but she does fifty other things and conversations take forever. I like having a routine and knowing what's expected of me day after day. It makes things so much less complicated. Ok I'm off just wanted to write here, as haven't in so long and I miss it...

Things that make you go grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

OK thought I was finally over everything, and my cold comes back. So annoying. I've basically slept most of the day away and got almost nothing done which annoys me. Swept a bit, and finished the laundry was about all I've done. Days when I don't do what I feel I should get done in my head, I get upset at myself. I want to go job hunting and find something, but kinda hard when can't even talk. I'm getting a bit melancholy about Christmas coming up and having no money to buy presents. Ed did send me thirty dollars, but only have about eleven left after going to dollar store and getting a few items I needed, and taking Krys to lunch at Wendy's to pay him back for all the times he's taking me. Hopefully get a wireless connection and get my computer hooked up soon. I do get a bit bored at times, and all my games and paint stuff is on my computer. Be well all...

Nada

Life is sweet and I just wanted to share that....

to tired to write much more..didn't get home from Little Wings till about three am last night, and of course I had trouble getting to sleep, and was up by eight. Don't know what I have to do today, and don't really care. I'm in good mood and ready to tackle anything. I do need to do the sheets on the bed, and wash the towels. I lost my voice pretty much, but was my own fault. I had too much caffaine and ran my mouth too much believe it or not..lol.

Update

I realize I've pretty much stopped posting here and my apologies for that. Serving 24/7 and sharing the computer between quiet a few people I do not have the time online that I used too. Plus I've actually started a note book journal. Things are actually going great and I'm pretty happy. Was very sick for the first few weeks here which sucked. First when I came I had a horrible cold, then I got thrush in the mouth. Guess all the stress and stuff just really got to me. Now I'm finally starting to feel better, and of course I start my monthly. Things are just conspiring against me lately. Plus the mouth infection caused the inside of my lips to chap and peel horribly so have been in pain for two days from that. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ignoring signs I shouldn't be, but I love it here. I shouldn't even be on my monthly yet since I just got over it a few weeks ago right before coming. I figure the infection just wrecked havoc on my whole system. Only one thing has really bothered me, and that mainly stems from my own lack of self confidence I believe. I can't share that though because we have a rule that family stuff stays inside the family only. It is a good policy I'm just not used to opening up and sharing when something bothers me yet. Hopefully my outlook will improve when I get a job and start contributing a bit more. Ed seems to be doing well though I know he'd really like me to come home. Katie is doing great in school, but I do miss her horribly. I haven't been able to call and talk to her since the house where she is at doesn't allow long distance calls through for some reason. Keeps saying this number isn't available even when I know it is. Huggssssssss to all....

Bearzdark_angel

hmmm what what....

OK Ed wrote me a letter here and I wish to share it.

Kim,
What do I say to you that I haven’t said before and it seem the truth. I can say this. I can say that. I have said lots and lots and lots and meant it at that point but to fall back into the same rut over and over again. I am not going to say I cant live without you. I am not going to try a guilt trip. I am not going to try to use Katie as an excuse to get you to come back. I am going to stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for what I did and made you do. Thank you for the kick in the ass. I needed it.
I read this on the internet and it talked to me. Life itself is a misery and nobody can tell what can be of it. Those that can tell what can be of it are those who cannot tell us because they are far from us (dead). Over the last week or so I have had a lot of time to think. I know now what I did and am going to correct it. I took advantage of you daily. I expected you to get Katie up, take her and pick her up from school, cook dinner, laundry, clean and keep up with Katie. A marriage was well as a D/S is a give and take. And all I did was take and take. I took months and in some cases years to take care of issues that should have never become an issue. I was more worried about pleasing with gifts and other things than bills and a place to live. I listened to you but didn’t listen. I went into this lifestyle only 50% percent. I took the good but didn’t want to do the leg work when things were bad. I stated things and then let them go. I set down rules and I didn’t follow the rules. I sit up punishments and didn’t do the punishing. We went to parties and just sat and watched. The excitement in your eyes when watching was like a 6 year old at Christmas and I just sit there and didn’t do anything about it.
Well things have changed and are changing. I am learning and going to learn the rest of my life. I know understand there is issues with me that I cannot control and have to ask others for help. I want to learn. I want to experience. But I want to do these things with you. It took you leaving a SECOND time. You were willing to give up your life and your child to better yourself when I should have been bettering both of us. And that will not happen again. It shouldn’t take a kick in the ass to show the love I have for you. It shouldn’t take you telling me in a blog that I took everything from you and didn’t show you much.
I wish I could say right now for you to come home. But I will not do that. You need to have your break and enjoy life for a little. But when I am ready I am coming to take you back. I am coming to re-claim what is mine and shouldn’t have never lost in the first place. To show you I am the person you know I can be. To be the person you saw all the time and just wanted me to be.
Have fun. Go to clubs. Experience life for a change. We have been together since 1989 and you didn’t have a chance to explore life to the fullest. But remember when we do re-join life will be different. Life will be fun. You will not be a sad and lonely person. I shouldn’t have brought you to this point. And friends will remain friend and I look forward to having a wonderful, beautiful exciting life together. I will not keep you from people anymore. After you come back down if you want to go visit. You will visit. We can remain part of Bear’s family. I truly liked the both of them and the friends we met while up there. I am doing a new website and will eventually give the address to you once I get it to where I want it.
I love you. I miss you. Have fun. We will see each other in a short time
Love
Ed

I'm not even sure how to respond to this. Truthfully the trust in that relationship is gone for me. I am not sure if it can be won back. Am pretty sure I do not want to try agian. Here I feel safe and secure. I know I will always be cared for. That is not a feeling I've had before and I like it. We discuss everything is a family. No arbitrary decisions are made, which is also something I was not used too. I used to discuss things, but never got anywhere with that. Plus the lifestyle really had nothing to do with our breakup. In fact it might have made me stay longer then I otherwise would have. I love the lifestyle, and not going to give it up at this point, but I have to have a partner I can trust. Unfortunily its just not my husband. Even little things I ask him just at times seems to much. Case in point I asked him to send a resignation letter from me to Pauline for our boards munch. Didn't get done. His answer to that was to tell Pauline I had quit like she didn't already know that, and now she is still bugging me about it. Its a small simple thing, but just a hint of what I deal with daily when asking him to do anything. I do not believe anything will change. Have been there way to many times before. Plus he truly doesn't get the lifestyle relationship. It's not about him being Dom and bossing me around. Its about trust, honor, and integrity. If he says something he has to mean it not just say it to appease people. Ok there's my rant for the day....be well.