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I know everyone in my family is bipolar. I am not sure if that is my issue or not, but I feel I am more manic depressive. Yes I do go through high points, but there much rarer then my low ones. I try very hard not to let it get to me. At times though its just so damn hard. I get up every day for what? What have I giving of myself that makes my existence worthwhile? I know this kind of thinking is ridiculous but I can't help where my mind wonders. I'm doing better then I used to be. I no longer even contemplate suicide, which used to be quiet common for me. Its still a big issue for me and sometimes I'm just not sure how to overcome it. Some days it just seems like everything is pressing down on me driving me so deep into the ground I can never recover. There is so much to worry about, and its very hard to just let things go. I have too though to survive. I can not worry about how I am going to buy stuff, or where I'd go if I did not have my parents to take me in. If I really thought about my life right now I'd truly go insane. Today is obviously not a good day. If I accomplish one thing for the day it helps me greatly, but today haven't even done that. I guess I am lucky I'm not one of those people that can sleep forever or I would stay in bed with my head covered and never face the world...sighs and repeats over and over tomorrow will be a better day.
Yesterday was our May Zoo day, and even though my ride fell through and I had to beg for one it was worth it. I only wish I could have got a little play time to see me through the next month of none. There was a bunch of newbies in attendance which made me very shy. Then I had some wanna be Dom following me around who could not take no for an answer. I told him several times I did not play with strangers and he still kept pushing closer under the pretext of petting the puppy even when I was not in puppy mode. I stuck pretty close to those I know in order to keep him a bit at bay. I'll be glad next month when Telka is hopefully back in attendance. Since I had come with Ed he spent the day at the local mall and was ready to leave much earlier then I was..damn it. Master Cecil had promised me needles and by time he was ready I had to go so could not stay for a scene. Master Cecil wanted me to go up against another to see who could take the most needles and I was truly looking forward to it. I was not a happy camper on way home to say the least. Can not complain though at least I did get to go. Tried asking for some money, but Ed would prefer to get me the stuff I need rather then giving me a dime so I don't feel so beholden to my mother all the time begging for items I need. He obvously doesn't understant how sometimes its nice to just have money in your pocket if you want to stop and buy your kid a drink or an ice cream on the way home from school. Nor to be able to stop and just pick up some dinner on days you don't feel like cooking. It's all good I just need to find one of those scarce jobs some how...sigh.
My first online Mistress has reappeared in my life, and wants to be a more permanent part of my life. When she released me and vanished from my life it was so hard for me, becouse she was such a part of my life. It was like a cloud descended around me blinding me to everything. All I could see was my own pain and no way through it. I knew in my heart she did what she had to do, but that did not ease my pain or suffering any. I am not sure I could take that again. I am finely starting to get my life straightened out. I have made a huge mess of things lately and its hard for me to unravel the tangled threads. In the last few years with all that's going on with Ed, and the loneliness I was feeling I made a lot of online friends. The thing is each person I talk to is the only one I see while I am talking to that person. At the time we are connecting they are the only thing that matters in my life. I feel, see, and hear only them at the time we talk. This has caused a lot of very close connections, but they expect more then I truly mean to give. I know a lot of that is my fault. I promise things I should not, becouse I know what they need and I have to give it to them. I am a service submissive and am not happy myself if I am not making others happy. Now I have all these ladies thinking I want to spend my life with them and only them. To complicate matters I met someone who is very special to me just recently. After I had confessed myself I was a lesbian it is strange to have such feelings for a guy again. I have not had the best relationships with males and had pretty much decided I was done with them for good. Now to find myself wanting to get closer to him is raising new questions in my head. Do I want to be bi, or stick with my decision to be a lesbian only? Now that I have agreed to give my old relationship with my ex Mistress again is it fair to even pursue anything with anyone? Yet how do I hurt these people I am close too without hurting myself? The thought of ending any of these relationships kills me, yet I know eventually I have too. I am not being fair offering myself when I know I will never be with them truly. My girl Bernie is an ex boxer and has slight memory damage. She needs me and loves me greatly. She has two dogs she considers her kids, and wants me to come live with her in her trailer in West Virginia and live happily ever after. I do love her to death, but the thought of living out in the boonies does not thrill me at all. She is willing to learn all about the lifestyle for me, and explore all that. I know she loves me to death, and I aught to be truthful with her and tell her I love her as well, but I am not wanting marriage and settling down right now. Then there's Hazel in the United Kingdom. If we get married there I can stay there. Her two kids just went off to collage she's lonely and wants a partner to love and be with. Thing is she just moved closer to her sister, and now has her and is never online. Easy for me to move on and not think about her, but she still writes panicked afraid I'll forget her. Then got Judith who we have one of those on/off again relationships, and Amy who does not want to be alone. There's a few others who come and go as well. Yes I have become a player. I don't like that fact and have tried to stay offline hoping a few will vanish which has worked some. I have been so shy, and afraid of getting close to others and being hurt that now I have gone the complete opposite and am clinging to relationships I should not. I need to prioritize, but I am not sure how. I discovered a few years ago I was an energy vamp...thing is at the time I was only attracting negative energy and was feeding off it which made me feel like shit all the time. Now I have got rid of most of the negative energy but I am doing worse with the positive energy and not wanting to loose my source of energy by getting rid of any of the people I talk too. This is why I need some one to give me direction and keep my collar and leash tight. I am dangerous left on my own. I have no clue where I am going with any of this, but had to get it out into the open and start to deal with it. I can't keep playing people like I have been doing, its not good for anyone. Sigh.....I'll figure something out I guess.
I went out to Pet day at the Woodshed this weekend and had an amazing time. I met someone I think might become very special. This worries me because I have someone I care about greatly, and I don't want to hurt her. Plus I had convinced myself I don't like guys anymore, and to find out I still do is strange. Makes me wonder about the things I thought I knew about myself. I played long and hard with more then one. I am suffering from sub drop a lot today because of it, but I know why I am so down and depressed at least and that helps greatly. I couple of candy bars helped as well. I got bruises on my bruises and I love it. Little stiff and sore, but nothing major. My mother asked me what kind of club I went too...lol. I just told her she did not really want to know. I am sure she pretty much already does. The play would be better with a real partner rather then just friends, because of the sexual tension that such play causes, but its still better then no play at all. I've got some wonderful friends and I'm really lucky. Katie called said she was spending another day at her dad's. Am sure he bribed her some way. I don't care accept if she had told me this earlier I could have stayed with my friends another day and not suffered sub drop alone. A good cuddle would have gone a long way to keeping the blahs at bay. I can't wait for next month so I can do it all again. I still have a long way to go to find myself and support myself, but I am trying. Hell maybe a lifetime wouldn't be long enough for that. Who knows...all I know is I'm taking one day at a time and not letting my own fears get in my way anymore!
Well actually not sure what to write that seems to be an issue a lot lately. I am glad to be back in service I do miss that aspect of the lifestyle. Its been good for me this week to remember why I love the lifestyle. I have really enjoyed the company as well. Its nice to just sit and have a conversation with someone that's not about movies, gaming, or kids. I am going to miss that when I go home. I am not used to driving so much, but it has been relaxing all the same. I have more privacy here even though its a smaller house then I do my large one. Just had to get into a routine to relax a little. I'll be glad to get home Sunday though. Sleep in my giant new bed..yea. One thing I have realized while being here is I do love the lifestyle and don't want to give it up. I have no clue where that revelation is going to lead me. I know I don't want to be owned again. Least I don't think so...sigh. I am a lost cause. I have no clue what I want or need anymore.
Well Ed is finally gone. I had to let go to be able to move on. He's been out of the house for a few weeks now, and I am not so stressed and worn out anymore. I finished my bedroom and it looks great to me. I love my pink walls no matter how many adjectives it gets. It has been referred to as the Barbie room, Baby room, and Easter egg room now. I don't care its my room and I am so happy with it. I have never had a room done for me before. Its not all my own style my mother has put her two cents in all over the place. She insisted on curtains for the windows even though I have blinds. Now just figure out what I want to do with my life. Staying with a friend for a week right now so not at home. I am going to try to start writing again. I'd actually like to try to get something published just not sure if that will happen or not. I consider myself a writer even though I have never been published and only write in lusty library. Its what I love to do. I just am having a hard time getting started. I'm like the dog that's been beating down so many times I'm afraid to try again. I just lay belly up waiting for the kicks to come. Only time will tell what works or not...
Pulled Katie outside tonight to talk to her about things that were bugging me. I wanted the truth from her since Ed has refused to be a man and tell me what was going on. I have seen the mail saying Katie was in trouble with Sears, but he would not give me a straight answer. She finally told me they had tried to take some videos and a game he wanted. They were stopped and can't go in Sears anymore. Now they have been kicked out of Sears and Walmart in this area. She's not even eighteen she should not have a record like this. I know he is still stealing from the bookstore as well. I am not sure what to do about it. It's already done and over with so not much I can do. I feel helpless knowing that I was not there for her. She also told me she has had sex with her friend from school like twice now. That was not something I wanted to hear, but I am glad she was open enough to tell me. I feel bad she feels like she can't tell the truth, and he's caused that. I'm sorry things have got so damn bad, but I am done trying to work things out. I know he's depressed as hell and he does this shit to try to feel something, anything. I know how that is becouse I was like that for years searching for I had no clue what. I'm still searching but I know now what I'm searching for is inside myself not outside. I've had to struggle very hard to find myself, and find self worth inside myself. No one else can do it for you. It's hard. Its very hard, but so worth it. I am trying to figure out how to get a divorce. He might not want one, but I need it. I need him out of my life though he will never be completly gone. I need my own space so I can stop stagniting and start to live at long last.
