Going good here

Things have been going very well since I've been home. Waiting for a copy of my GED to come in mail so can sign up for classes. There has been a few disagreements between me and Ed but on the whole we are getting along very well together. I have not really heard from either Bear or Ursa since I left, but I talk to Krystal daily and I guess they have just been real busy like I have. I was actually hoping to spend more time with them once I came back home. Like when before I left I talked to them both daily for hours at a times sometimes, but after I got down there and was in same house we didn't spend a lot of time talking at all. I just assumed I'd see them online again more often, but guess not. Went to a friends house last night to watch the Matrix trilogy. We had a pretty good time there. Today went to see step up 2 which was also a very good movie. I really need to start swimming again since my diet isn't the healthiest. Eating hamburgers out quiet a lot. Even when cook at home it's usually fried foods or there's lots of leftovers. I have been a little lazy since I've been home and need to get busy. Just having trouble getting motivated. Need to start eating veggies again or start taking my iron, becouse my energy level seems down. OK back to the mad house..huggsss to all.

Home....

Yes I am back home again in Florida. I plan on going back to school, though haven't decided for what yet. Being in Georgia and unable to get a job even though I applied all over the place was really getting me down. If I had been able to get my CNA license transfered I could have got a job pretty quickly, but the nurse I used to work for has moved and I can't get a hold of her so that didn't work. I was not asked to relinquish my collar when I came back home, even though I did let them know I was going to give Ed a second chance. I'm sure they think I'm foolish, but we have been together for 18 years. That's a long time to give up on. If things work out between me and Ed they might ask for there collar back. I do not know what the future will bring. I'm still feeling a bit lost and confused here. I had a daily routine in Georgia and I have felt a bit lost without it here. I'm very confused about everything, and just letting Ed touch me again takes will power on my part. Some times I want to lean into him other times I want to just pull away. I have no clue why this is. He does get me though. He will scratch my head or back till I'm whimpering in ecstasy. When he calls me his good puppy and scratches me I'm just lost in that persona. I can just curl up and be puppy begging for love and attention. I do not think anyone who has not experienced this could understand what I mean. In Georgia there was so many times I wanted to just sit at my owners feet and be puppy, but I never felt it was appropriate or felt comfortable doing so. So many times I'd just sit and watch Mistress's feet wishing I could take off her shoes and lick and suck them, but I didn't feel it would be welcomed. There was just tension between us that I didn't know how to approach or end. I loved everyone in that house greatly, but still felt so lost and alone at times. There just wasn't enough open communication or play time. I admit I'm a bit of a nymph o and love sex. When I lost the right to sleep in Master's bed there I admit it hurt badly. I assumed I would be giving a chance to earn that right back, but that never happened. Basically a lot of the reasons I left home in the first place were being repeated there. We were just a bunch of roommates living under one roof. Everyone did there own thing, but we rarely did things together as a family. The Master/slave relationship as I know it just felt completly missing from the equation. I was very rarely giving tasks or commanded to do anything. Yes I knew what needed doing, and I did it. Still its just not the same is it? Me and Krystal were both hoping to be tied up together and used, but that never happened either. I know real life gets in the way, but sometimes you just have to make things happen. Truthfully none of this Matters I love them greatly, and always will. I'm just not sure I could go back and live in the same conditions again. My depression was just raging out of control there, and I didn't know how to stop the pain. Writing here has always been one of my biggest outlets and for some reason it wasn't appreciated and got me in trouble, so I stopped. Being able to write once again and get things out feels so good. It's almost cathartic to me. I hope to be a part of the Bearz family forever, but if they want to release me I'd gladly send them there collar back even though it would hurt greatly. In fact if Ed has done everything he says he is and continues doing so I might take his collar back, and I don't know if I could have two at once. The intricateness of it would be mind boggling to say the least. Everything happens for a reason we just have to open our eyes to see what's before and behind us. Nothing is lost so long as we learn from it. I've learned a lot about myself, and my needs and I plan on continuing to grow and learn. I think that's all any of us can do....

Its my Birthday.....damn I'm old

Another year has come and gone. I really can't say if its better then the last or not really. Hoping this upcoming year will be much better. Have come a long way, but still have a long way to go. Right now just having a hard time because still haven't had any jobs call me back. Need to get some more applications out. My family wants me to come home and go back to school, and if not able to get a job I'm thinking should consider this. I'm just so confused at times its not funny. Ah well life beckons..be well all.

Happiness

I've been a manic depressive for more years then I care to recall. Anything sets me off. Perceived slights that aren't there, thinking people don't like me, or just having an off day. Then I get depressed, and sulk sinking inside myself so the problem gets worse not better. I learned a long time ago to wear a mask so no one knows my inner self. I felt protected that way. To let others really know your heart and desires is to open yourself up to pain and heartbreak. At last that is what I always believed. I'm trying to change my way of thinking, but its not easy. I know I deserve happiness, and should be proud of who I am damn anyone who thinks otherwise. Yet still maintaining eye contact, or speaking up when I want to is not coming easily to me. I create issues that aren't even there, because I'm insecure and needy, and I don't want to be like this anymore. Why does it matter if someone says hey look at all you did today..good girl? I should be able to say that to myself and be proud without needing others affirmation of my actions. I can write this, and see this to be true but putting words to action is another thing entirely Having skin problems all my life, and asthma, and hearing problems have not helped my self esteem any at all. If I don't like to look at myself in the mirror why would anyone else want to look at me? Hell I can't even give a good blow job without having to stop to take a breath, and it pisses me off. Now I've been searching for a job for two months and haven't got one call back. This is not helping me at all. I've never had a problem finding a job at least, so what is the problem now? I see signs everywhere now hiring, yet I apply and nothing. On top of everything else I know my husband and daughter truly want me to come back home, and he is trying hard to change at last. They were changes that should have been made a very long time ago, but he is trying. Thing is once again do I deserve the happiness I have found where I'm at? Don't I at almost 36 years old believe I'm capable of my own decisions and making my own life at last? I choose to be where I'm at, and am finding peace for myself here. I do not want to go back to the life I had before. I was always at the beck and call of others there, and got no acknowledgments for anything I did. From morning to night I was doing for everyone, but myself and was stretched very thin. I was always worried about hurting someones feelings so never said no to anything, even if it got to be too much and I couldn't handle it. OK there's my rant for the day. Please ignore sometimes you just have to rant to move on...

Sorry for long absence

Yes I know haven't posted here in forever. I just am not sure what's Ok to post and what's not anymore. I do not want anyone upset over something I've posted. The transition of moving and getting used to a new household hasn't been easy, but things are settling into a routine. I am still unable to find a job even though I've applied to over fifteen different places and it bothers me. Maybe if I was working all day little things at home wouldn't bother me so much, as they do at times now. My husband still wants me to come home, and his promises sound good, but I truly want the relationship I'm in now to work. I still have sever trust issues with him, and they are not going to be solved in a few weeks or even months. I miss my daughter horribly and don't spend nearly enough time with her. Till I get my own computer online, by the time she gets on there are others wanting to use this computer since it's a family computer so I don't get to talk to her often. I don't have a cell phone so can't call her, and my mother is a royal pain and won't let her use her cell phone to call me. Hopefully she will get a cell phone soon so we can talk more often. Online is good but she does fifty other things and conversations take forever. I like having a routine and knowing what's expected of me day after day. It makes things so much less complicated. Ok I'm off just wanted to write here, as haven't in so long and I miss it...

Things that make you go grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

OK thought I was finally over everything, and my cold comes back. So annoying. I've basically slept most of the day away and got almost nothing done which annoys me. Swept a bit, and finished the laundry was about all I've done. Days when I don't do what I feel I should get done in my head, I get upset at myself. I want to go job hunting and find something, but kinda hard when can't even talk. I'm getting a bit melancholy about Christmas coming up and having no money to buy presents. Ed did send me thirty dollars, but only have about eleven left after going to dollar store and getting a few items I needed, and taking Krys to lunch at Wendy's to pay him back for all the times he's taking me. Hopefully get a wireless connection and get my computer hooked up soon. I do get a bit bored at times, and all my games and paint stuff is on my computer. Be well all...

Nada

Life is sweet and I just wanted to share that....

to tired to write much more..didn't get home from Little Wings till about three am last night, and of course I had trouble getting to sleep, and was up by eight. Don't know what I have to do today, and don't really care. I'm in good mood and ready to tackle anything. I do need to do the sheets on the bed, and wash the towels. I lost my voice pretty much, but was my own fault. I had too much caffaine and ran my mouth too much believe it or not..lol.